Alex From Microsoft

Yesterday I got a phone call from “Alex From Microsoft”.

Really! I couldn’t make this up! Alex! Alex from Microsoft! He called me! Personally! On my very own phone!

Despite Alex’s rather heavy accent (he sounded a lot like Kunal Nayyar), I didn’t hang up and move on with my life. Instead, I said, “Really, Alex? You’re from Microsoft? The one in the United States?”

This is normally the point at which these phone calls mysteriously get cut off. Given the news of the last week, I now suspect that the NSA has some ‘bot listening in and it deliberately interferes with my ability to get professional computer help directly from the font of wisdom and benevolent guidance that calls like Alex’s represent. But that’s just a working theory.

Alex however did not get cut off, and insisted that he was indeed from Microsoft. Furthermore, they had detected an error on my computer and were there to guide me with help in correcting it.

Since our call had not been terminated at the first sign of my skepticism about Alex’s true identity, I now had a new insight into Alex’s nature. Thinking that Alex might be a trainee of some sort, I asked him if his English language lessons had progressed to the point where he knew what the term “bullshit!” means.

Alex had apparently not heard that term, but assured me yet again that he was from Microsoft, there was a problem they had detected, and he wanted… If I didn’t know better, I might have thought that Alex was repeating the same rote script, starting over from the beginning every time that I interrupted him.

So I interrupted him again.

I asked Alex what version of Windows this “problem” was impacting, since I might not be using that version. He said that he was Alex, he was from Microsoft, there was a problem they had detected… (“HODOR!”) I asked him to stop and again asked which version of Windows this problem affected. Alex said that the problem was with “THE” Windows program, saying it like Buckeye pro athletes pronounce “THE Ohio State University”.

Again I called bullshit on his explanation and explained to Alex that I thought that this call was a bogus scam and asked him who he worked for and how stupid did he think that I was?

Again, our call was not immediately terminated, confirming in my mind Alex’s rookie training status. But my comment did prompt a flurry of conversation in the background on Alex’s end in a language that I did not recognize. It must have been Canadian – the Microsoft offices are somewhere up near Canadian, aren’t they?

One more time Alex told me that he was with THE Microsoft and that they had detected that I had six computers running with this problem… I cut Alex off and asked him if he would like to guess again about the number of computers I had running Windows. I also suggested to Alex that he ask someone in the office with him to explain what “bullshit” meant, especially if he was going to be spreading so much of it in his chosen career.

Now things got weird.

After more conversations in a foreign language in the background, someone else came on the line (who also sounded a LOT like Kunal Nayyar’s second cousin) and identified himself as Alex’s supervisor. He insisted they were with THE Microsoft and had detected a serious error in Windows on the laptop computer that I was using. They were there to help walk me through a procedure which would solve my problem and fix my computer.

I pointed out that  the computer I was using at that moment wasn’t a laptop and wasn’t using Windows. But for all of our sakes, could he please teach Alex what “BULLSHIT!” means?

Now the NSA ‘bot cut in and disconnected me from Alex and his supervisor. I must have gotten too close to the wisdom.

Let’s hope that Alex learned his lesson.