Not Enough Mad Scientists’ Inventions In Real Life

I think the title says it all! For decades we’ve had one movie, comic book, and television show after another featuring all kinds of cool crap invented by mad scientists or evil super-villains, yet none of this stuff has shown up in real life where it could really be useful on a daily basis.

If mad scientists had as many spinoff products as NASA does, we would have our flying cars today like we were supposed to!

I was thinking about this on a long drive home today. (I also had Supertramp’s “Child Of Vision” blasting at full volume, especially that great piano piece that takes up the last 3:50 of the song, but that’s neither here nor there. I just wanted to mention it.) Specifically, I was thinking about it while following yet another $100K sports car in the fast lane, going 55 MPH in a 65 MPH zone with no traffic.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could push a button on your dashboard to have giant arms pop out of both sides of the car, extending out in front of you, with big prongs like on a fork lift? Then you could sidle up behind the slow poke, slip the prongs under his car, and the system would lift his car up over you and place him gently behind you where he belongs. The mechanism collapses back into your car — problem solved!

Garbage trucks have mechanisms like this for picking up the big bins and flipping them up over the top of the truck to dump the trash. All we would need would be to work on some minor upgrades and modifications to the system. Am I right? Huh??

How about a better way to deal with telemarketers? Is there anything worse than your third call of the day from some idiot who wants to sell you home improvement services or magical credit repair consulting? So why isn’t there some useful product from “Acme” to deal properly with these calls? Would Wile E. Coyote have put up with this? No, he wouldn’t! So let’s get him to work on the project. Maybe something along the lines of a tracing & tracking system that identifies the exact location of the telemarketer, then launches an 800 ton rock onto their head using a giant rubber band. What could go wrong?

What about the people who deliberately and repeatedly enter the narrow and cramped parking lot through the clearly marked “EXIT ONLY — DO NOT ENTER” lane, tying up traffic all the way around the block? Would Ming the Merciless put up with this? Would Kim Jong-Un sit idly by with this sort of atrocity taking place? I dare say not! But I say that, instead of simply punishing these scofflaws, let’s do it while rewarding the good citizens of our community that are fighting for truth, justice, and a good $5 burrito! So let’s figure out how to get a Reduce-O-Ray built which would zap the good guys and take away five pounds of ugly fat and teleport it into the butt of the agents of anarchy coming in through the exits!

As an additional bonus, if you see someone all of a sudden getting one of those bedonk-a-donk butts in just a few days, you can avoid letting them drive to that business meeting. We all win!

I’ll expect first draft schematics on my desk by the first of February.