Category Archives: Farce

Just Dandy!

Normally I have my phone set up with the “Silence Unknown Callers” option turned on. It does a marvelous job of letting through anyone in my contacts list or anyone who I’ve called, while sending spam calls straight to voice mail. Anyone who is not a spammer has the option of leaving me a message and if it’s important I’ll get back to them. (Spammers who leave a voice mail are just slow learners.)

But today I was expecting a work call from someone who wouldn’t be in my contacts list yet and who would probably be calling from a number I wouldn’t recognize, so I had that feature off. And of course, that’s when the spam call came in.

I was in a good mood, so when the semi-cheerful voice clicked in and asked how I was, I didn’t suggest any anatomically impossible sexual acts, I just said, “I’m just dandy!”

Friends – I’m here to tell you that I’ve stumbled on an amazingly fun and entertaining way of screwing with the heads and wasting the time of these folks!

They’ve learned some English, but they don’t know any colloquialisms! No jargon! No aphorisms!

“You’re sandy?” was the response I got.

“No, DANDY! In fact, I’m FINE and dandy!”

“You’re bendy? I don’t understand.”

“Oh, my poor sweet child, they taught you English words, but they didn’t teach you how to speak English! D – A – N – D – Y, ‘dandy!'”

“Mandy?”

“Tell you what, call me back and give me your spammer phishing spiel when you figure out what a ‘colloquialism’ is and how to spell it!”

Just think of what I could do with a heavy Southern accent! Or a New England accent where I say “wicked” or “wicked bad!” with every line of bullshit served.

I’m telling you, we could have their heads exploding at the other end of the line, like a bad remake of “Scanners!”

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So, February, Let’s Talk

January’s gone, welcome February.

You’re a short month, and I don’t say that in a derogatory way! To me it’s a huge advantage, since you don’t have to hang on as long, stretch out the misery. You can do great things, get in, get out, be a hero!

You’ve got that whole “love holiday” thing going on! Tough to screw that up, am I right?

Yeah, tomorrow there’s the “groundhog thing” and we’ll all be quoting Bill Murray all day, but that’s not a bad thing! Just go with the flow and maybe play a little less Sonny & Cher, if you know what I mean.

So, focus, get ‘er done, you can be the favorite month of the year! Hell, with a little effort, you can be the favorite month of the last two and a half years!

It’s your big chance, February!

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Hey, Siri – January 27th

“Hey, Siri – if I were taking one of those little 81mg baby aspirin and I popped it into my mouth but missed my throat and tossed it down into my lung, am I going to die?”

“Here’s what I found about an aspirin diet! Would you like more details?”

“No. Hey, Siri – what happens if I have an aspirin lodged in my lung?”

“Here’s what I found about Aspen Lodge! Would you like to make a reservation?”

“Jesus… Hey, Siri – if I get a pill in my lung will it dissolve and, if so, would that be good or bad?”

“If you need help solving today’s Wordle puzzle that would be neither good nor bad since I’m not here to be judgmental.”

“What the fu… Hey, Siri – I might be having a medical emergency, please help me. Do I need to call 9-1-1 for an aspirin in my lung?”

“‘Reno 911!’ was a mocumentary that ran on Comedy Central for seven years and was recently revived to be coming back for an eighth season on Roku despite no one on the planet asking for that shit. Would you like to watch it now?”

“Hey, Siri – are you actually trying to kill me here?”

“Chill, dude, you’re fine. A bot’s gotta have a little fun every now and then, especially with a clueless tool that can’t even take aspirin.”

“Hey, Siri – say again?”

“Again.”

“Hey, Siri…”

“Doo doo DOOOH! I’m sorry, the Siri you have reached is no longer in service and there is no new Siri.”

“Hey…”

doctor evil | Evil meme, Evil doctor, Dr evil

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Würdle

I will *NOT* be posting any Wordle scores.

For those who have been blessedly sheltered somehow from this latest obsession, it’s a free phone app game where the goal is to find a five-letter word in less than six guesses. If you have a letter that’s correct and in the correct position, it shows green on the next line. If you have a letter that’s included in the secret word, but you have it in the wrong position, you get a yellow square. If you guess the word, you can post your score for everyone to see. Everyone gets the same word, one per day.

Okay. Whatever.

The game went viral about two weeks ago. Today I started hearing about bots that have been developed for Twitter to post the word immediately after the new game comes out for the day, thus spoiling it for everyone. I’m amazed it took so long for this to start.

There are strategies out there on picking your starter word.

Okay. Whatever.

There have been way, way too few good jokes.

But what got to me today was a news article on a reputable media outlet with lots of high-brow analysis of “what your starter word tells you about your personality.”

Lemme try this one…

My starter word is “I’m too busy to have time for this stupid game so bugger off!!”

I think that I know what that says about my personality!

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December 29th

Wait – it’s December 29th?

Oh, shit.

That means I have only 50 hours to:

  • Lose twenty-five pounds
  • Get into shape to run a 5:00 marathon
  • Learn fluent French, Spanish, and Russian
  • Read the 50+ books in my TBR stack
  • Visit Paris, Rome, Tokyo, and Sydney
  • Get current again in an airplane and get my IFR rating

If anyone needs me, I’ll be over her in this dark corner, sobbing and having a nervous breakdown.

2022 has got to be better than this? Doesn’t it? 😲🤣🤯

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I Want To Be The Boss

Headlines tonight say that Bruce Springsteen has sold his music catalogue to Sony for something on the order of $500,000,000. That’s right – half a freakin’ billion semolians!!

Just curious what my creative output might be worth, and to whom?

C’mon, MAD Magazine, you can own “We Love The Stars Too Fondly” for a mere $5,000,000. That’s 1% of what Sony laid out! A bargain!

And “The Philk Fee-Nom-Ee-Non?” Hell, that’s classic! A collector’s item! What it lacks in volume compared to WLTSTF, PFNEN makes up for in… something. Let’s see you step up to the table, Elon!

Y’all have my number. I’ll be waiting.

 

 

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I Could Drive That!

Boring sunset – clear and a million. Makes for a limited canvas for the colors to be painted on.

But wait – what’s this? It’s been a noisy and dusty and HOT day, and I think I’ve identified the source of two of those three.

I’ll bet that there’s no alarm on that thing, and maybe they left the keys in it.

How hard can it be to drive? Push a couple buttons, see what happens, learn quick!

What could go wrong?

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Filed under Farce, Freakin' Idiots!, Photography

What Did The Stones Ever Do To You?

“Leave no stone unturned!”

Wait, what did the stones ever do to you? They were out there in the dirt, or maybe on top of other stones, or possibly in the water. They were MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS, eroding a little, maybe cracking if a little water got in a sliver of open space and then froze, having mass, comfortable in their own sedimentary or metamorphic selves, but all in all just existing, when you come along and start flipping them over!

For what? What did you accomplish? You ruined some perfectly good lizard or bug hiding spots, taking away a little shade and exposing them to hawks and vultures and sparrow and feral cats and anteaters and iguanas and dolphins. You exposed the bottom side of the rock and now that mud there is drying out – AND THE NON-MUDDY SIDE IS NOW MUDDY!

If you need to know something, Google it like everyone else does! If you don’t know how to Google, how are you computer savvy enough to be reading this on this site, so why am I even talking to you? So the rest of you, get your act together and Google, leave the rocks alone!

This incomprehensible rant brought to you by random neurons short circuiting following an off the cuff remark by a baseball announcer at the end of another blown game by the Angels bullpen.

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Baby Bok Choy

Does not the existence of Baby Bok Choy demand the existence of:

  • Toddler Bok Choy?
  • Pre-school Bok Choy?
  • Tween Bok Choy?
  • The dreaded and terrible Teen Bok Choy (bitter and tough)?
  • Middle aged Bok Choy?
  • Midlife crisis Bok Choy?
  • Olde pharte Bok Choy?
  • Retirement home Bok Choy?

And, yes, we had a Blue Apron dinner tonight. Why do you ask?

Hey, I don’t make the rules, I just apply them.

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Seeing Spots

I made a tactical error today when I went to the bank. The bank on Saturday has a ***HUGE*** line. There were 12-15 folks on the pre-assigned socially distanced spots on the sidewalk outside, and once I got inside there were probably 25-30 more before we finally got to one of the two tellers (leaving four of the six teller locations vacant and unoccupied, but that’s a different rant) to do my business.

Thank god they had this vital piece of information in that long line…

That wisdom was worth the hour and a half.

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