Category Archives: Farce

When

I started to type a question into Google tonight. Of course, as you start to type it tries to anticipate what your question will be.

I got as far as “When is…”

Not in this order (which might be saddest part of this) were:

When is The Bachelor on?

I could not conceivably care less – and even I know that it was yesterday. Is your life so sad, empty, and pathetic that you have to watch shows like this? And then you can’t even keep track of what day the big grand finale episode is? Gee, Mr. President…

When is the Super Bowl?

A legitimate question. Probably the first Sunday in February, but it might be the second, so all of the good Chiefs fans should check before asking for that time off.

When is Easter?

Again, a legitimate question. It moves around. There were people with ashes and Mardi Gras was a big deal about two weeks ago? -ish? (Note to self – we have GOT to get to Nawlins for Mardi Gras one of these years!) So, forty days of Lent means another month?

When is Christmas?

Really? No one could possibly ever ask a more stupid question than that!

When is the Fourth of July?

I stand corrected.

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Siri, My Darling Siri – March 12th

Okay, so as we’ve seen, I have a certain fascination with human-computer interfaces and Artificial Intelligence and Siri and so on.

Along those lines, I may have discovered a new game.

At risk of feeling a tiny little bit like I’m making fun of someone (something?) who’s handicapped, by accident yesterday I put some garbage input into Siri and got a freaking hilarious result.

“GIGO” is one of the first principles of computing. Garbage In, Garbage Out.

I don’t even remember at this point what the actual topic was, but I had been asking Siri a handful of questions. Part of it is that I’m trying to figure out how to better use Siri as a resource, so in essence, she’s training me. Part of it is probing to see what the limitations of the programming are.

Regardless, what I wanted to say was something like, “Siri, show me a…” Whatever it was I wanted her to show me, I got tongue tied and stumbled verbally, before going off into a “Blah, blah-blah, Blah Blah!” As you see in the blooper reels where an actor blows a line.

No harm, no foul.

Siri didn’t understand, but did the best with what I had given her:

Thanks, Siri! I needed that. I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. (Probably since early November, but that’s a matter for the other blog.)

At least her programming is gracious when I thanked her.

Look at those 9% and 8% battery readings. Maybe she was hypoglycemic or something.

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Filed under Computers, Farce

I Saw Them

Guys! Guys! Guys! Listen up! I saw them!

I was taking the trash barrel out to the curb and there on the lawn was the Easter Bunny and his family. They were eating the Raisinettes!

Okay, so it was really dark, I don’t know that they were eating them, but they were over in that part of the yard, so what else could it be? Someone must be leaving them just to feed the bunnies!

(Anyone want to bet that I can milk at least one more stupid post out of this?)

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Not The Same Thing

Out for our usual Sunday morning breakfast at a local restaurant, I was listening to a conversation in the booth behind me when I almost choked and started dying from hysteria. I held it in, but it could have gone either way.

The person speaking was talking about The Carol Burnett Show and how he had discovered it. He was telling everyone about some of the class bits, including the one with Tim Conway, totally deadpan, talking about the Siamese elephants while everyone on the couch is trying to not fall off the couch laughing.

Our booth buddy was trying to remember who else was on the show with Tim and Carol when he said, “Oh, yeah, it was Roger Corman.”

I felt a LOT like Carol Burnett in that moment, trying very hard to not just lose it and go rolling around on the floor laughing. It wouldn’t have been polite.

Harvey, my friend, it’s Harvey. Harvey Korman. Not Roger Corman.

The two are not interchangeable. Although the thought does open up some intriguing possibilities…

{For the record – while there have been two, maybe three days in the past three-plus years when I haven’t posted here, all of them were caused by simple brain farts. Yesterday was the first day when there was a deliberate decision to skip a day. There was this power outage, then the computers were messed up, all with an 08:00 deadline this morning for a shit-ton of work that still had hours and hours to go before it was finished, and looking at the stack of work still there at about 23:00 and knowing that posting would mean I was up until 02:30 instead of 02:00 when I had to get up at 05:30… It was self-preservation.}

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I’ll Trade Pinks!

Let’s trade pinks! My white car for your white car!

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Straight up! No questions asked!

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Yours is already on the trailer – you can just deliver it to my house!

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My car? A Honda Fit. Why do you ask?

Hello? Come back! Wait!

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Filed under Farce, Los Angeles, Photography

Mischief Suggestion

My apologies if this has been suggested by me before, but an incident this weekend reminded me, so here it is:

First of all, don’t do this at a place where you like them and/or they like you. But if they’ve given you lousy service and then screwed up on their security procedures to boot…

Secondly, this isn’t criminal or even particularly rude, more like something that you might see on the old “Candid Camera” show.

So, do we all know what RFIDs are?

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While they have a ton of uses, the most common one for most of us is “loss prevention control,” otherwise known as stopping shoplifting.

When you buy your stuff, the cashier and/or their checkout system is supposed to deactivate the RFID, kill it, turn it off. So when you leave the store – well, you leave the store.

BUT… If left active, it will be detected by the scanners near the door and the alarm will be activated as you leave, making a ton of noise. If you just shoplifted your large, economy size bottle of Head & Shoulders, presumably it’s at this point you take off running with your ill-gotten booty.

If you’re like me and you paid for it, you’re just annoyed because someone screwed up and now you’ve got these really loud and annoying alarms going off next to you. It’s enough to give you the vapors! Plus, everyone in the store (except for the employees) is staring at you and wondering what you stole. The employees, on the other hand, have this happen ALL DAY LONG so they simply ignore it.

So much for security.

Now imagine, you’ve just left your local grocery store, or better yet, department store or electronics emporium. You’ve dropped a couple hundred dollars (especially at the grocery store – damn, margarita mix and chips and chocolate is expensive!) on your cart full of stuff and as you leave, you get that loud noise scaring you out of your sneakers.

Here’s my suggestion.

When you get to your car with your shopping cart, go through your stuff and figure out where that still active RFID is. Remove it carefully so you accidentally don’t damage or deactivate it. Now find a good place on the shopping cart, an out of sight place, a place not normally examined casually, and stick the RFID there.

If it’s one of the big ones that’s about the size of a large postage stamp, this plan gets harder, but not impossible. With the little ones like the one shown above, the underside of just about any structural member or pipe will do. With the larger ones, you might have to be a bit more selective.

Either way, once the active RFID is now secure and hidden on the shopping cart, put the cart back into the cart corral. (Really, put it into the corral, don’t leave it out where it will block a parking space or roll off and ding someone’s car. We’re not animals here!)

Then you can sleep peacefully, knowing that every single time that cart goes in or out of that door, those alarms are going to go off. It could happen literally hundreds of times before anyone at the store bothers to go look for the RFID.

Carry on. Be mischievous!

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Filed under Farce, Paul

That Feeling When – January 12th

That feeling when you’re hopped up on cold medications to begin with, a ton short on sleep, but you’re trying to pull it together as you get cleaned up in the morning, dressed, and out the door and on the one hand you’re trying to do the normal morning routine but on the other hand your brain is already thinking about the meeting that you’re about to be late to so you put on that nice suit and shirt and tie and grab something to eat and your briefcase and you’re just reaching for the door when some teeny-tiny voice that’s been running your procedural checklist albeit a bit slowly in the back of your cerebellum says…

“Did you put on deodorant?”

Of course you scoff and carry on and have one foot out the door when that voice says, “No, really. I’m looking at the checklist and I don’t remember doing that. This could be a problem.”

Still scoffing you close the door behind you and start to lock it when that voice says, “Fine, be that way. It will be just like that time you forgot to listen to me about which airport we were flying out of.”

So you go back inside, drop the suitcase, as fast as humanly possible while running back to the bedroom you strip off the suit coat, the tie, the shirt, the T-shirt and find…

…that everyone downwind of you in the office is going to thank you all afternoon for listening to that little voice. Even if you are five minutes late.

Blame the cold medicine.

Or the rain.

Or the idiots out driving in the rain.

But never, ever tell anyone the real story.

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Wait, what?

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Filed under Farce, Paul