What Does The Dog Want?

We all love our pets, but face it, all of our assumptions about what’s going on in those noggins is as anthropomorphic as hell. And “assumptions” is the correct word, because even on the “easy ones”, we could be wrong.

For example, when the cat crawls into your lap, starts purring, and starts nudging and nuzzling your hand, our assumption is that the can wants to be scratched, stroked, and petted. But how do we know that the real goal isn’t really to get between us and our keyboards?

When it’s 6:00 and the dog is running around your feet and whining, we assume that she wants to remind us that it’s dinner time. Sure, when we feed them (because they’ve trained us to do that when they act like that) that’s great, they’ll take it (dogs never, ever turn down food), but what if they really are trying to get us to open that cupboard where the food’s kept just to check and see what’s in there?

When the dog’s scratching at the door, dancing, whining, and crossing his legs, we assume that they want to go out and pee. But what if they’ve really got a “Dancing With The Dogs” practice scheduled and they don’t want to be late?

And those are the “easy ones”!

What does it mean when the dog has had dinner, has had “dessert”, has had treats, has been out in the front yard (twice), has been out in the back yard (three times), has fresh water (two bowls at different ends of the house, heaven forbid she should have to walk that far if she’s parched), has dry food, and still is up in your face every five minutes whining? We have no clue.

We’ve tried to get her to “use her words”, but that’s not going all that well. I’m sure it’s our fault, not hers.

In “Up” they had that great device by a mad scientist (see, someone’s working on these things!) which allowed the dogs to communicate with humans. (“Squirrel!”) Why can’t we have one of those in real life? (“Only available in this TV offer, but wait, there’s more! Order now and we’ll send you a second Petalk Helmet for your other dog, you just pay additional shipping and handling.”)

What would happen if such devices existed? Would you need different models for dogs and cats? It seems obvious to me that you would, but I’m not the mad scientist here. (I’m just a little angry.)

Better yet, what kind of output would you get if you put a cat-to-human communication helmet on a dog, or vice versa? That’s a show I would pay to see! Extra points to whoever invents the dog-to-cat communication helmet. Or dog-to-squirrel. Wait, that’s probably why they had “Universal Translators” in Star Trek.

But in the bigger picture, if we have so many problems with the details in communicating with creatures that share 90% of our DNA and have evolved along side us for hundreds of millions of years, how will we ever communicate with an alien species if they land their UFO’s on the White House lawn?

Maybe they’ll already have invented human-to-alien communication helmets for them to use with us. Will they wear the helmet, in order to utilize their far superior intellectual (or telepathic) abilities? Or will they make us wear the helmet so that they can avoid undue strain on their necks? (I’m assuming, of course, that alien UFO’s don’t come with chiropractors in their crews.)

Will they naturally gravitate to football players to communicate with because they’re already wearing helmets? If they’re looking at old television footage due to the limitations imposed by the speed of light, will they think that Terry Bradshaw or Joe Montana is our leader? (Are we doomed?)

Or will they show up and have communication helmets for only the dogs or the cats? If they have aliens-to-dogs helmets, the cats will be even more pissed off than humans will be. (If you have a cat, you’ll understand.) Humans will probably get nice chewy treats for taking care of the dogs. If they have aliens-to-cats helmets, well, it’s obvious that we’re all pretty much screwed.

Unless we take the alien-to-cat communication helmets and put them on a dog! That should mess up those alien brains, sort of like what Jeff Goldblum did in “Independence Day”.

Y’all think that over and let me know your thoughts (via comments, not author-to-reader communication helmet).

I’ve got to go take the dog outside. For the tenth freakin’ time tonight.