Canadian Conspiracy Uncovered

I’ll have to be quick here, because I may need to go into hiding. I’ve uncovered a massive cybersquatting conspiracy by the Canadian government and as soon as this posts I’ll no doubt have to go deep, deep underground to avoid their retaliation. No more trips to the beach for me, I’m sure there will be squads of trained polar bears and orca lurking just offshore with massive advanced technology weapons, just waiting for me to show my face so they can fricassee it with a laser or cruise missile.

The truth came to me while watching the Angels play in Toronto today, while the Boston Bruins were in Montreal tonight. In all of that advertising on the outfield walls and dasher boards, hidden in plain sight, are the clues.

All of the Canadian web addresses end in “.ca”.

Uh-huh! You see where I’m going here, right? They want us to think that it stands for “Canada,” but it doesn’t!

There are these whack jobs here in California that are always trying to split the state up into five or seven or eleventeen parts, knowing that will never actually happen because it would totally screw up the numbers of senators and representatives in Congress and electoral votes for President and shift the balance of power between Democrats and Republicans and with all of the fruits and nuts out here it would probably bring the Libertarians or the Green party to power and that would totally destabilize the entire world government balance of power, so how are they ever going to get it passed by the very same self-serving politicians who would be in danger of having their oxen gored?

Then there are these other groups that want California to declare independence and break away from the United States. I believe that these whackadoodles are being funded by the Canadian equivalent of the CIA or NSA (the CCIA or CNSA?) in order to get California to actually try to separate from the union.

Once California becomes an independent country, our very first and highest priority, of course, will be to establish our unique national identity. With Silicon Valley here and most every Californian practically having cell phones and tablets and Google Glass surgically attached and in use 24/7/365 (especially when they’re driving!), one of the primary symbols of California nationalism will be to switch all of our websites over to our very own third-level domain identifier, which will naturally be…wait for it… “.ca”!!

Then the Canadians will have us right where they want us. They’ll have the “.ca” domain and we’ll be obsessed with getting it as a matter of natural pride. We won’t be able to go to war with them to get it (Oregon and Washington are in the way, duh!) so we’ll have to negotiate.

The Canadian government will use this disgraceful cyberextortion to suck trillions of dollars in ransom out of the coffers of our budding Left Coast democracy. Oh, they’ll call it an “internet domain transfer fee” or something, but we’ll know what it really is!

Now that this nefarious plot has been exposed, tell the Canadian President that we won’t stand for it! (Wait, what? “Prime Minister?” Whatever!)

If they won’t call off this attack where they’re using the purloined symbol of our soon-to-be nationalistic jingoism, then we’ll have no choice but to carry out a preemptive overthrow of their government! We’ll put Rob Ford in charge of the Great White North and see how he negotiates. I’m betting he can be persuaded to see it our way!

Down With Canadian Cybersquatting!