…we all had tails like a cat?
Tonight’s bizarre thought is brought to you thanks to Joey Chan, on my lap, asleep, idly flicking her tail back and forth and getting all twitchy when it gets touched. (Okay, I’m poking it and taunting her, but the effect is the same.)
What if people could grow a tail like that? Maybe some sort of advanced genetic manipulation — after they figure out how to regrow missing limbs, cure cancer, and restore a full head of hair to terminally insecure middle-aged men, of course. But if the science dudes and dudettes are then bored and need something new to justify their employment, this could be just the ticket!
Think of all of the possibilities! At first it would be a novelty for the rich and famous, a status thing, a statement of chic. But before long it would become practical, with high-rise iron workers getting them for balance, circus performers getting them to make more complex acrobatics possible, and teenagers getting them just to piss off their parents.
Then to distinguish themselves from the commoners, the Kardashians and Beibers of the day will get them in different colors or patterns. Someone will get a prehensile tail like a spider monkey’s just so they can get an advantage in some sporting event. Gang members will get tails with big bony spikes at the end like Ankylosaurus.
There will need to be accomodations in society. Pants will be a problem. I see the kilt becoming commonplace. (No doubt with an accompanying surge in the popularity of shiny, patent leather shoes for women. Payback’s a bitch, guys.) One can only imagine the ways at the various organized religions will view the phenomenon.
Porn will be an early adopter of the movement. Tail porn will be a thing.
Tail lengths will fluctuate up and down in popularity as men first assume that size matters, then see how easily and painfully their new appendages get caught in doors, then again belive that size matters, then see more pain, then size, then pain, then… I figure the cycle frequency will be about a month.
The Furries will be insufferable.
Someone will be the first to get a second tail, just because. A month later someone will have four. By Christmas someone will look like they’ve got the Flying Spaghetti Monster coming out of their ass.
The purists will remind everyone who will listen that we evolved from apes, not monkeys, and apes don’t have tails. Everyone with tails will “accidentally” smack them in the face when they bring it up.
We’ll have a whole new outlook on hair. Now we’re getting obsessed with making ourselves smooth and bald in most places where we’re supposed to be furry, but that will change once people see what a three-foot long hairless tail looks like. Do you want to look like an opossum? We’ll be taking baths in Rogaine™.
The future is definitely looking long and furry! Zephod Beeblebrox will have nothing on us!
We Love The Stars Too Fondly 