Do The US Movie Ratings Mean Anything Any More?

Which of course, begs the question of whether or not they EVER meant anything really, especially when it comes time to figure out where the division is between an “R” rated film and a “PG-13” rated film. Not to mention how a film with a metric ton of violence, blood, and swearing can get a “PG-13”, but show one or two female nipples and it’s an instant “R” rating. But those questions can be tackled another day.

What I was wondering about today is what you have to do to get a “G” rating.

Does anyone remember the last movie they saw an ad for with a “G” rating? Does anyone remember the last movie they actually watched which had a “G” rating? With today’s demographics, is a “G” rating as much of a kiss of death at the box office as an “X” rating?

I went looking at what’s out in the theaters right now. I see six “family” or “kids” films, all which have “PG” ratings. “Earth To Echo.” “How To Train Your Dragon 2.” “When The Game Stands Tall.” Disney’s “Frozen.” Disney’s “Maleficent.” And Disney’s “Planes: Fire & Rescue.” Disney for god’s sake! Disney doesn’t even get a “G” rating on any of the three films it has out right now!

I found films that were so old that they were only rated “Approved”, meaning that they came out before the current G-PG-PG13-R-X system came into place in 1968. For the record, in LA this weekend you can see 1945’s “The Body Snatcher” with Boris Karloff, 1963’s “The Nutty Professor” with Jerry Lewis, and 1963’s “The Haunting” with Julie Harris, if you so choose.

And I found a handful of unrated films playing in the art houses. They’re all unrated because they’re foreign documentaries and didn’t bother to pay to go through the process of getting an MPAA rating, not because they’re particularly bawdy, violent, or vulgar. For example, “Fifi Howls From Happiness” is a 2013 documentary about artist Bahman Mohassess, who was apparently a controversial figure in pre-revolutionary Iran. It’s in Persian, doesn’t even say if it’s got English subtitles. Would it have gotten a “G” rating if it had been rated? Probably not, if Disney films don’t, but we’ll never know now, will we?

What got me going on this train of thought were the ads now running for “Dolphin Tale 2” which is coming out September 12th. I remember seeing the ads for the original film in 2011. It made about $72M gross on an estimated budget of $37M, so that’s apparently good enough for a sequel.

The ads for both films make it quite clear that they are overwhelmingly sweet, saccharine, and mawkish. I try not to be too much of a skeptical and cynical old codger, and if I had a three- or four-year-old kid or grandkid to take to the movies, this might be the one I would have to sit through. Other than that, they’re really not my cup of tea.

Then I noticed that “Dolphin Tale 2” has a “PG” rating. So did “Dolphin Tale,” both for “mild thematic elements.”

I don’t know what that means exactly, there doesn’t seem to be an MPAA cheat sheet out there, but I’m guessing that it means that the poor, orphaned, injured dolphin might be shown to have anything less than a 100% chance of a full recovery and the happiest ending ever filmed. This in turn means that a three-year-old might be concerned or worried. (Trust me, a four-year old knows the score here and isn’t buying it.) Because of this, “Parental Guidance” is required.

You have got to be kidding me!

Can you imagine a movie from our childhood getting this kind of rating for that kind of reason? For example, “Old Yeller” still makes me cry and I’m in my fifties, what about that kind of “mild thematic element?” What about when (spoiler alert! really?) Pollyanna fell out of that tree and got crippled and wasn’t happy and couldn’t play the Glad Game any more? WHAT ABOUT WHEN BAMBI’S MOTHER DIED?!

I’ve got to go with the theory that all of the “family” movies mentioned above are perfectly capable of getting a “G” rating under any conceivable system that’s actually supposed to make any sense, but they’re asking for (and getting) a “PG” rating simply because parents will not bring kids, even pre-school kids, to a “G” rated movie.

Nothing else makes any sense at all. Not that it’s supposed to, given 99% of the other recent news, but still, it would be nice if something made sense every now and then.

Then, just as I was wrapping up this rant, I stumbled on one. An actual movie out in theaters right now with a “G” rating. “Island Of Lemurs: Madagascar” is a documentary about saving the endangered lemurs of Madagascar. It is, of course, narrated by Morgan Freeman. (I think it’s the law that he narrate any and all documentaries. Not that that’s a bad thing, he was a great President in “Deep Impact.”)

So there you have it. Tell the little kids the facts about how humans are morons, screwing up the planet, and exterminating all of the cute little critters with big eyes, and they can handle it. Tell them a story about a dolphin with an ouchie and they need to have a parent to help them through the psychological trauma.

It must be true. The MPAA said so.