Telemarketer Wars, Round Three

I’ve recently ranted (and that’s all it really is, I’m well aware that in the big scheme of things, if this is the worst problem that I’ve got going on in my life [and it isn’t], then I’m pretty freakin’ lucky) about possible suggestions on how to deal with telemarketers.

We’ve pretty well established that the BEST way to handle telemarketers is to not answer the phone if your Caller ID doesn’t show you that the call is coming from someone you know and want to talk to.

Having said that, sometimes that’s harder to do because you might be looking for a job and sending out lots of resumes and filling out a lot of online job applications. (I am!) While you’re putting your cell phone as your preferred contact number, the home number is on the resume and needs to be filled in on many of the online applications. So maybe it’s someone calling about a job?! (Hope springs eternal, despite the odds against…)

Or you might have your own situation or phobia or neuroses. Maybe it’s a hospital calling about someone who’s been in a car accident. Maybe someone really liked a blog post and wants you to write for them, or it’s an agent wanting to know if you’ve got a book you’re shopping around. Maybe it’s really, really that Nigerian prince who’s trying to give away that fortune of his.

Or maybe you just were warped and scarred at a young age by nuns who instilled an unhealthy sanctimonious vengeance response into your brain stem and you feel the need to PUNISH those assholes, just because! (I used to know someone like that. Yeah, that’s it! Someone I used to know…)

Anyway…

At first, I couldn’t figure out the paradox of how these scammers could stay in business, because I didn’t see how anyone could fall for their blatantly obvious bullshit. Well, at least in some cases, it seems that it may be a cultural issue, or a generational issue, and they prey on people’s fear.

Then I had a fortuitous accident and came up with a possible scheme to potentially confuse, befuddle, and waste the precious time of telemarketers, thus (hopefully) disrupting the efficiency and automation which are the core of their business model.

These posts have generated some lively conversations, both with people I know and with friends of The Long-Suffering Wife. So, in the interest of thoroughness (and the fact that my brain is all screwed up after the Kings’ second embarrassing loss tonight to San Jose) here are a few more ideas and suggestions that have come in:

1. Just take the phone off the hook. Period. Anyone who really, really needs to reach you should know to call your cell phone. (The argument against this in my case is that my mother doesn’t know this, and our son overseas in the military always calls on the land line, so maybe there are issues with this approach.)
2. Someone sent a link to an online anecdote from a confessed telemarketer with a situation that stopped him dead in his tracks — the person started singing, belting out a whole song while he listened, laughing. I’ve given this a try and it does work, at least in the sense that it gets rid of the telemarketer, stunning them with kindness (or at least surprise) instead of cussing them out. I started singing “The Star Spangled Banner,” which has the additional benefit of being really hard to sing (listen to anyone at the beginning of a ballgame) so if you suck at it (I do) it’s just what everyone would expect anyway. Emotionally, I would like to start belting out the chorus to Julia Ecklar’s “Temper Of Revenge.” (“Find me a horse as red as the sun! / Find me a blade that will make their blood run!”) Don’t know the song? You should! You can get a copy of the album from Prometheus Music, highly recommended.
3. Someone at the hanger suggested just holding the phone out away from your mouth and saying something like, “Are you running the trace now, officer? It’s one of them again!”
4. Someone suggested, if asked to let them speak to John Doe, to say something like, “He’s not here right now, but if you give me your personal cell phone number or home phone number, I can have him call you back when it’s most inconvenient.”
5. Someone suggested just saying, “They’re dead,” and hanging up.
6. I actually prefer a variation on this if you need to practice your acting and/or improv skills. No matter who they ask for, start stammering and crying, “You… You haven’t heard? You don’t know?” Sob, sniffle. “They died last night!” See just how much BS you can shovel, sort of like the way the guys got dates in “Animal House.” (“She died in a horrible kiln explosion.” “What, I talked to her just the other day, she was going to make me a pot…”)
7. You can always just say, “Hold on, I’ll get them” or “Hold on, let me get to the other phone,” put the phone down, then go about your business. They’ll hang up, eventually. Then your phone is off the hook and you’re back to #1, above.

The gist of it is, don’t let the bastards get under your skin, and if you can turn the situation on its head, turn the tables so that you’re in control of the situation, so that you’re using the opportunity to get what you want or need (even if it’s just a good laugh at the expense of someone who deserves it), then take the opportunity and take back your life and your time.

Or you could complain to the police, the FTC, or your congress-critter. After doing so, please get psychiatric help if you think any of them will actually do anything about the problem.