Yes, I Am A F$%king Asshole – You’re Welcome (NSFW)

Call it fate, if you will.

Normally I’m at the CAF hanger in Camarillo until about 3:00 or 3:15. Today I decided to leave early since I had a check to drop off, a deposit to make at the bank, and a stack of mail to go out.

Just before 2:00 I came out of the bank and went to my car. A woman had just parked in the space next to my driver’s side, a big, white, brand-new (no plates) luxury SUV. As I walked to my car I could see that she was talking to someone in the car. As I got to my car I could see two kids in the back seat of the SUV, an infant in a full-sized car seat and a toddler in one of the forward-facing toddler style car seats. The woman was closing the driver’s door and walking toward the bank.

I didn’t have time to think, I just said, politely, “Excuse me, ma’m? You need to take your kids in with you.”

She stopped, looked at me, and said, “What?”

“Your kids. It’s extremely dangerous to leave them in the car when it’s this hot. You need to take them in with you.”

It finally dawned on her what I was saying. “Mind your own business,” and she turned back toward the bank.

Now I raised my voice, just a bit, no longer convinced that  being polite and respectful was as useful a strategy as I had hoped. “Ma’m, I’m making it my business, sorry. You’re endangering the lives of your children.” I pointed at the time and temperature sign on the corner which said it was 105F. “You can’t leave your kids in the car like this.”

Now she was getting pissed, apparently not used to total strangers calling her on her behavior when she was being an idiot. She didn’t even stop, but yelled back over her shoulder, “Fuck you!”

I wanted to make really sure she heard me. I yelled. “STOP! If you go into that bank I will immediately call 9-1-1 and I will start breaking out the windows on your car to rescue your children.”

Now she stopped, storming back to get into my face. “Go fuck yourself! Who the hell do you think you are?”

I ignored the question. “It will be over 130 degrees in that car in less than five minutes.” OK, so I didn’t know the exact figures, but it was close enough for government work. Someone can correct me on the exact numbers later. “Your children will be unconscious, and they’ll be dead in less than ten.”

“I’m just going into the fucking bank! I’ll be out in five minutes!”

I knew that I had been in there closer to ten. “Simple choice, ma’m. Take your kids or I call the police.” I pulled out my phone, half expecting her to punch me.

She didn’t. She went around to the driver side on her car, opened the door, took the kids out, glaring at me the whole time. I just stood there watching. I was pretty sure if I got into my car and drove off, she would leave the kids.

As she slammed the door on her SUV and walked toward the bank with the kids in tow, she was furious. She yelled at me, “You’re a fucking asshole!”

“Yes, I am. I’m the fucking asshole who just saved the lives of your kids. When they graduate college you can remember this and thank me, assuming you don’t manage to kill them someplace else before then when I’m not around to stop you.” Okay, that last bit was a cheap shot, but she had earned it.

She flipped me the bird, but kept walking. It was apparently too hot to stand out there arguing, even though… Oh, never mind.

I waited until she was in the bank, then got in my car and left.

That was seventy-five minutes ago. The adrenaline shakes should stop soon.