Flash Fiction: Gigantic Honkin’ Nipple Clamps

This week’s Flash Fiction Challenge is a doozy, as you might have guessed from my title. In short, there’s a Buzzfeed article which shows fifty stock photographs that will never, ever be used by anyone. Mr. Wendig, of course, couldn’t let that challenge go by, so we are tasked to pick one and write our thousand words or so about it.

(As much as I may look down on BuzzFeed as being the TMZ of the Internet, and that’s really, REALLY not a compliment, this article is pretty funny. Even if you don’t read all of the stories for this week over on TerribleMinds, I recommend you go look at all of the photos.)

I went through all of the other entries so far and eliminated the pictures that they’ve chosen (as of this afternoon), then did a random number selection of the remainder, coming up with #24. I’ll give you the picture at the end of the story so you don’t have any pre-conceived notions. It’s a touch long at 1,319 words, but I had a ton of fun writing it.

As always, comments and constructive criticisms are appreciated.


“You may experience some slight discomfort, sir.”

Getting a shot hadn’t been a big deal since I was about three. “Slight discomfort?” Yeah, right. Whatever. I held my arm out and didn’t even flinch.

“Very good, sir, if you could remove all your clothing now. You can place everything into the locker, then sit in the test chair.”

“You need me naked? No one said nothing about that. No way I’ll let a bunch of pervert doctor dudes mess around with me while I’m naked. Forget it.”

“Sir, in order for us to get accurate data, the test subjects need to be completely undressed. You were informed when you signed up for this clinical trial that it involved a new product related to sexual arousal. The tests will be carried out by female members of the staff and I assure you, they are consummate professionals. Doctor Getty has assured me you will be treated with all of the respect and dignity you deserve.

“On the other hand, if you have severe body image and self-confidence issues, we can cancel the test and void the payment paid to you for participating.”

That was different! “Chick doctors, eh? Okay, send them in.”

I stripped and headed to the chair, which looked like an old dentist’s chair, sitting in a pool of light in the darkened room. What was wrong with that little creep? “Body image issues” my ass! He dreams about having a body like mine. I just hoped the doctors were decent looking, not fugly nerd babes.

I went over to the “test chair” and sat just as two lady lab techs came in. They were both wearing those stupid, lime green, formless scrubs that were all the rage, covered with a lab coat to boot, but it looked like they might have some boobs and curves hidden under there somewhere.

“Are you ready?” the blonde asked.

“I’m ready for anything you’re ready for, doll.”

She looked at the brunette with a little smile. “Then let’s get going. As we’re getting set up, I’ll tell you what this test is about.” They both walked behind me into the dark and I could hear drawers opening and equipment banging.

“We’re testing a new erotic gel which is designed to heighten by a factor of more than one hundred the intensity and duration of tactile sensation during sex.”

They came back, one on each side, each with two pairs of restraints. As they started to tie my arms to the chair I was too fast for them and jumped up.

“What the hell is going on here? Are you all a bunch of kinky pervs?”

The tall brunette stepped in front of me, real close. Without touching me she leaned forward and spoke softly into my ear. “Sir, please sit down. These are necessary to prevent you from possibly hurting yourself in the more advance stages of the test. Previous test subjects have reported the experience to be somewhat violently pleasurable. You’ll thank us later.”

I stepped away from her. Having her that close was getting ready to cause some embarrassing changes in my vital signs, if you know what I mean.

“What if I’m not into that sort of thing and don’t want to be tied up?”

The girls put the restraints down on the chair. The blonde pointed toward the locker. “Very well, sir. You may get dressed now. The paperwork necessary to cancel your payment will be…”

“Hey, hold on, wait a minute! I didn’t say I wouldn’t, I was just asking.” I walked over to the chair, handed them the restraints, and sat down again. “You caught me off guard, but I’m cool. Let’s do this.”

They started strapping me down at both my wrists and ankles. “You may experience some slight discomfort, sir.”

Yeah, right. Like some girl’s gonna be able to tie me up tight enough to hurt.

The brunette started attaching little patches with wires all over my body, while the blonde kept talking. “The gel is the second half of a two-part formulation. When we go to market we expect the first portion to be administered orally, but for now it’s injected, as you saw.”

“I don’t feel any different, so maybe the shot’s not working.”

“The injected drug is inert until it bonds with the gel in the epidermis. We’ll run some baseline tests now to measure your responses.”

I gotta tell you, the next hour was pretty great. They used feathers, a velvet glove, some beads, and much more. They touched there, tickled here, pinched a nipple or two, rubbed up this side and ran their nails down that side.

I’ve paid $500 an hour in Vegas and not gotten that kind of good time.

Finally they started rubbing their super duper gel all over, and by “all over,” I mean “all over.” As soon as that shit touched me, every place it hit was like, “ZOWZA WOWZA!!” I could feel the breeze from the air conditioning like it was a hurricane, and the chicks’ breath as they worked on me raised goose bumps from head to toe.

They started again with the touching, the feather, the velvet glove, and everything else. It was the best hour of my life. Turns out they were right, it was a good thing I was strapped to the chair. I just didn’t have the breath or the strength to thank them.

While I came panting down to earth I could hear them behind me, putting stuff away. I was ready for them to let me go when they got back to me, but I wanted to know if I could sign up to come back again next week. Hell, I would do it again for free.

“That concludes the first part of the testing,” the blonde said. “You gave us an excellent data set for our trials, but now we need the complementary set to validate the study. For that, the principal investigator will conduct the tests herself.”

They walked out. In walked an older lady, also in scrubs and a lab coat. She was looking at me funny.

“Hello, Jack, I’m Doctor Getty. It’s so nice to meet you again.”

“Again? No, sorry doc, I don’t think so.”

She moved out of my sight and started gathering her equipment. “Jack, you’re so forgetful, especially when you’ve had your way with someone, gotten the checkmark in your little black book, and never called back.”


Getty… Getty… Wasn’t there a chick named Getty I had met a few months back? What was her first name?

“Donna? Donna Getty? Did we meet at the Coldplay concert in Santa Monica just before Christmas?”

“It’s Diana, not Donna, and yes, we did.”

She was right behind me and I felt something thermonuclear start scraping the skin straight off the bone on my left arm. I screamed and screamed, snapping tendons trying to get loose from the chair.

When the pain faded a bit, I frantically looked to see what was left of my arm, expecting a bloody stump. The arm was fine. Diana had just left a small sheet of sandpaper lying on my skin.

“This test has two parts,” I heard her say. “Now that we know the positive benefits of this drug, we need to know if there are any counterbalancing unpleasant sensations.”

She stepped in front of me, holding three of the most gigantic honkin’ nipple clamps I had ever seen. I swear, hook up wires and you could jump start a 747 with those things.

“Jack, perhaps you should have paid attention when we were talking that night instead of just seeing how fast you could get me drunk and get me naked. You would have known what I do for a living.”

She leaned forward with a very evil smile and a twinkle in her eyes.

“You may experience some slight discomfort, sir.”

enhanced-22346-1399922912-4(I must say, it was so tempting to just leave it after the first line, but we needed a story, not a caption.)


Filed under Farce, Writing

5 responses to “Flash Fiction: Gigantic Honkin’ Nipple Clamps

  1. Rebecca Douglass

    I’m speechless. Just. . . speechless 🙂


  2. Ronnie

    Nice one dear


  3. Hilarious and … twisted. Kinda like those clamps. I almost took this one, but the scary accountant dude pushed in line ahead.


  4. Pingback: Flash Fiction: Cross Culture | We Love The Stars Too Fondly

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