Big Toe & Little Gripe

Pain meds can be really great, but they leave me with the attention span of Oooh, look, a hummingbird outside the window!

I need to start running again and I’ve had an ingrown toenail that’s been getting worse. It’s a problem I’ve had as an adult every two to four years for as long as I can remember. In 2012 I had one cut out in January, just eight weeks before the LA Marathon. I’ve often wondered if that might have had something to do with the serious cramps in the soles of my feet that day.

I’ll leave the details and gory descriptions of the procedure to another day (maybe), but the last time I had this done the doctor mentioned a procedure other than just removing the nail, where they remove it and kill some nerves or cells down underneath the nail to prevent it from ever growing back. They get some kind of acid or “bad gunk” (to use the technical term) and pack it down in there after the nail’s gone. Whatever works! I will be just as happy to not have to do this again in 2016 or 2017 (or any other time).

Here are the before and after pictures:

The funky green color is not my natural skin tone, but some kind of antiseptic they put on, sort of like Bill Cosby spreading the lime jello to save himself from the Chicken Heart. (Although green skin would be pretty cool…)

In part because it’s tough to wear shoes for the next forty-eight hours, in part because I’m just a touch loopy from the pain meds, I’ll be staying off the roads and chilling at home for a couple of days.

Which means that I’ll be spending time on the computer, which is what brings me to the little gripe, which is this little message I get on a regular basis while trying to use FaceBook:

FaceBook has some of the best programmers on the planet working there (ask them, they’ll tell you!), so don’t you think they could come up with a few more and/or better options than “Stop script?” Maybe they need help, so here are some suggestions:

• Never run a script longer than XX seconds ever again.
• Please go to “Settings” where you can pick how long the maximum script time (XX) allowed.
• Please go to “Settings” where you can choose to have any script longer than XX seconds to identify itself and ask permission to run.
• Please go to “Settings” and turn on the display which shows how many scripts are running, what they do, and how long they’re going to take.
• Please hit the “Esc” key a few hundred more times so that the program knows that you think it actually does what it’s supposed to do.
• I apologize for interrupting your script oh wise ones, please forgive this humble servant and be merciful in your punishment.
• Please piss off and remember that you sold your soul when you signed on to FaceBook — you’ll do what you’re told!
• Please go to “Settings’ and turn on the “Pay more attention to *ME* than to your freakin’ advertisers” option.
• Please press the button to stop the script and smile to your webcam which we’ve taken control of so we can file your picture and all of the personal information you’ve given us in our “troublemaker” department.
• Please rearrange the Universe so that every time I have to wait and hit this stupid button, some programmer at FaceBook gets festering hemorrhoids.
• Please tell me that the long-running script is working for my protection and to ensure the sanctity of my privacy. Please, I need the laugh!

I’m sure Mark Zuckerberg reads this blog, this problem should be taken care of in a few days. You can thank me later.