The Return Of FredZilla

“…once I flushed, I just kept flushing. And running the tub. And flushing the other toilets. I wanted enough volume going down that sewer pipe to keep FredZilla headed toward the LA River and Pacific Ocean at a significant fraction of the speed of light.”

Yeah, great plan. Except of course for it being based on complete ignorance of the situation.

In retrospect, it probably went far more like this:

FredZilla got caught in the sewer system by accident. He fell into one of the vents or clean-out ports or something. Then he started starving.

Trying to get out any way he could, he found an exit. Into our toilet.

When I flushed him back down, I sent him right back into his prison. There’s no way I put in enough water or pressure to send him more than a dozen or so feet down the pipe before he was able to crawl out. At which point he’s still starving and stuck.

Tonight he showed up in the toilet in the other bathroom attached to that sewer line.

He’s getting smarter – at least this time he tried to hide up under the rim!

To her credit, The Long-Suffering Wife did not scream nearly as loudly as I did earlier in the week. In fact, I don’t think she screamed at all! All I got was, “He’s back!”

So he was.

Being what I hope is a bit more knowledgeable about the situation (while recognizing the odds that I might still be 100% clueless and wrong) I decided to not try to flush away the problem this time. I got a container to put him in, some salad tongs, and tried to capture FredZilla.

Piece of cake.

Really. I was expecting all sorts of struggle and commotion – got none of it. I just reached in, grabbed him (gently), picked him up, and dropped him down into the plastic bin.

Part of it might have been the cold water and not particularly warm porcelain environment. Out on the sidewalk in the sun, these little dudes skitter around at about Warp Five. Here in the bin, the only thing that made me think he wasn’t dead was the tongue flicking in and out. Or it could have been a lack of food in the sewer. Or both. Or neither. (It should be blatantly obvious that I’m making wild ass guesses and making shit up as I go along here!)

But, as with some of the other lizards in the yard, he’s got some beautiful markings.

I took him out in the back yard to the bushes next to the hot tub. There’s lots of dead leaves and pine needles there, similar to under the bushes in front where most of the rest of them live. He should have a decent chance of making it there.

Live long and prosper, FredZilla! Just, please, do it outside, not in our sewer system.