Nabisco Premium Saltines with Unsalted Tops, to be precise.

Where did they go?

Was there an explosion at the Nabisco factory where only the Unsalted Tops production line got melted to slag?

Is there a huge underground market for Unsalted Top Saltines? Are they some sort of delicacy for newly liberated pot smokers in California?

Was there a toxic batch of “unsalt” which made them all get recalled?

I don’t know the answer, but it’s been three weeks and four different markets and I can’t find the Nabisco Premium Saltines with Unsalted Tops to save my life. Nada. Zip.

They all have the regular Saltines, mind you. Lots of them! In two of the stores I actually found the spot on the shelves where the Unsalted Tops were supposed to be, but that shelf space was filled to overflowing with the Regular Saltines.

I tried to call Nabisco to raise the alert, sound the alarm, raise a ruckus. Nothing. No comment. (This might be related to the fact that I was calling at about 22:00 on a Sunday evening and they’re only open 9 to 6, Monday through Friday, but I’m trying to go on a conspiratorial rant here!)

The one Ralph’s superstore did have the Kroger brand unsalted tops crackers – bleh!! I’ve tried them before. They’re one of the key reasons that “house brand” gets such a bad reputation.

[LATE EDIT] – After writing most of this last night, tonight on my way home I found them in a local, non-chain, mom-and-pop style grocery store. Our long, national nightmare is over!

Or maybe… Maybe that’s just what they want us to think…



Filed under Los Angeles, Paul

6 responses to “Crackers

  1. Sounds like my rant at the weekend when the only tomato ketchup (catsup?) in the stores were in plastic bottles – what’s happened to the recyclable glass ones??

    Liked by 1 person

  2. berich56

    Nothing irks me more than going into a store to buy a “standard’ item and see the shelve bare. What?? The databases seem to be able to track me everywhere I go, but they can’t reorder an item from the warehouse. I would suggest that they change priorities. Haha, I’m just kidding big brother :-}

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Are unsalted saltines still saltines? Aren’t saltines, by virtue of being saltines, salted? That’s the question I want answered.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I almost slipped that one by… They’re “unsalted top” Saltines, so they’re only salted on one side. It helps those of us with blood pressure in the “holy shit!!” range not stroke out while still enjoying a little bit of unleavened happiness.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Okay, another quick question. Just to help out your blood pressure here. 😀 Are you sure they’re not salted on top? Maybe it’s the bottom that’s unsalted? How do you know what is the top and what is the bottom of a saltine? Do you just take Nabisco’s word for it?

        Liked by 1 person

        • Excellent point! They thought they could fool me with that, but having discovered the miracle of peristalsis, I now normally eat them while standing on my head. They can’t fool me!


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