What I Learned At The Gym Today

First, I need to go more than once every eight or nine months. This “duh!” observation is brought to you tonight by Captain Obvious!

Secondly, I always overdo it on my first return visit. Actually, this isn’t something I learned today, it’s something I’ve always known. I guess what I learned today is that I’m never going get any smarter about not doing it again.

Third, understand that I truly am blind as a bat from arms’ length inward. However, with my “cheater” reading glasses on I’m equally blind as a bat from arms’ length outward to the Andromeda Galaxy. This is why I always wear shirts or clothing with pockets, to facilitate putting the glasses on and taking them off a hundred times a day. Gym shirts and shorts don’t have pockets, or if they do, anything in them tends to get mashed during the course of a workout. Even without the glasses I can make do with reading stuff on my phone since I have the “Zoom” feature activated for just such a situation. But I learned today there is no “zoom” function on my combination lock to get back into my locker.

Fourth, it’s bad enough to have forgotten a pair of headphones so I couldn’t listen to music whilst I tortured myself. But that leaves little else for the brain to do during thirty minutes on the bike or treadmill other than watch all of the damn televisions on every wall and every piece of equipment. While a couple are showing basketball or spring training baseball, some are on CNN and some on Faux – and we’re going through this idiotic political circus. Remember the scene in “The Fifth Element” where Leeloo is learning about humans by reading the entire computer encyclopedia and gets to the section on “War”?

Finally, I learned that after watching an hour of CNN and Faux and Trump and Cruz and Brussels and ISIS and North Carolina and Vaxxed, I would consider a two trillion ton nickle-iron asteroid on a direct collision course with the Earth at 0.1c to be a perfectly acceptable alternative.

Fortunately, I returned to the “normal” world, The Long-Suffering Wife, and Vin Scully broadcasting the first game of his 67th (and final) season with the Los Angeles Dodgers. If all of that wasn’t enough, I’m listening to Frank and Moon Zappa’s “Valley Girl” so I’m feeling much better about things.

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Filed under Health, Paul, Sports

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