Is It A Los Angeles Thing Or A California Thing?

I know that Austin likes to “Keep It Weird,” Portland has that guy in a kilt & Darth Vader helmet who rides a unicycle while playing a set of bagpipes that shoots flame out the top, and New York… Well, New York has Times Square. But I’ll stick to my contention that no one can out weird California in a pinch. Although I think this particular example might be more of a Los Angeles specific weird.

Rolling billboards. Pick up trucks with large advertising A-frames in the bed. Not advertising for the company that owns the truck. Nothing subtle. Nothing tasteful. Garish, in your face, you’re-stuck-on-the-freeway-next-to-me-and-you-have-to-look-at-this-shit-until-we-get-to-your-exit grade advertising.

(That’s not the thing that’s weird by the way. You probably see those in every big city by now. I’m just setting the stage.)

I’m behind this thing and it’s pushing a new type of cosmetic surgery. I’m dumbstruck. Flabbergasted. Gobsmacked. Even by the standards of this place it’s astonishing to me.

There’s a place you can go and have a zillion tiny little black dots tattooed all over your head. Or, at least, all over the bald spots.

This is designed for guys who are going bald and want to address that condition not with a comb over or a rug (or with an ounce of maturity and gracious acceptance of the capricious nature of the universe) but by shaving their heads. Yeah, that will hide it and make me look like a macho studmuffin to boot!

Except…

When you shave your head you get that little dark stubbly look. It’s like five o’clock shadow all over your skull. Unless part of your skull is actually bald. That’s “bald” as in “NO HAIR GROWS HERE!” That’s “bald” as in “the Benevolent Order of Follicles Local 699” is on strike in this location. The five o’clock shadow is those shaved off hairs starting to grow back in.

So if you suffer from male pattern baldness and shave your head, you’ll get stubbly five o’clock shadow look where you would normally grow hair plus “smooth as a baby’s butt” where you’re actually denial-will-do-you-no-good bald.

Until now.

These guys will go in and tattoo in every one of those little hair follicles for you. Let them use you skull as a giant pin cushion for a while (who know that PinHead

would end up being fashion forward?) Then, assuming you actually do shave your head, you’ll look like you can grow a Fabio-like mane at will, but you’re making a macho choice to have your head looking like that all over.

With all due respect to the fine surgeons and tattoo artistes doing this life saving work, may I suggest that anyone thinking about this procedure could go and spend the money on therapy, hard liquor, and/or Lottery tickets and come out way ahead of the game compared to having this procedure inflicted on yourself?

Jeez!

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Filed under Freakin' Idiots!, Health, Los Angeles

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