There was a day a few days ago when I was… Disturbed. Upset. Anxious. Angry. Exhausted. Frustrated. Furious. PISSED OFF.
That fortunately doesn’t happen often. In this instance I was able to work my way through it and finally calm down in large part because I knew exactly WHY I was disturbed, upset, anxious, angry, exhausted, frustrated, furious, and pissed off. There was no secret, just a need to keep moving and work through it.
Tonight’s much more annoying.
Most of those symptoms again, although not nearly at the intensity level of last week. Yet it’s still plenty strong enough to make me feel like shit.
What my father used to call “a feeling of impending doom.”
It’s annoying because I really don’t have a clue WHY I’m feeling that way. The day had its ups and downs, there’s some stress at work with a big event coming at us like a freight train, working on the year end and audit, and so on – but nothing to justify or trigger this kind of feeling. I didn’t have any clown on his cell phone while driving try to kill me on my commute home.
Which makes me wonder – what if there’s something that happened that triggered these feelings and was so strong that I’ve just completely wiped it from my memory? That would scare the shit out of me.
“A feeling of impending doom.”
The key is that it’s a feeling.
It’s not head-based. There’s not a storm or hurricane coming. There’s not a threat of war. My job isn’t in jeopardy. I don’t have some strange growth or pain or blood in my stool. There’s no obvious evidence or warning – but my subconscious is putting together things that I can’t identify and hitting that hormonal klaxon.
That’s much more annoying.
Here’s what has not helped put those feelings at rest or calmed my nerves:
- Dinner (chili)
- Double stuffed Oreos
- My usual ’80’s music from Sirius/XM
- My playlist of favorites
- “Hamilton” (this might have been when I started to get really worried)
- “Star Trek” reruns (TOS, so it might have actually made things worse)
- Tuvan throat singing videos (it was worth a shot)
- Writing this post (although it helps – if I can force or trick myself into a place of creativity it can break the spell)
“Spell” might be the key word there. The software running on my meat computer (my ego, created by my brain) knows that this is just a mood (or too much sugar from those Oreos) and will pass. The feeling, the fear, the doom, the twisted up gut – those all come from the meat computer and the hormonal soup that it swims it.
Tomorrow the sun will rise. (Wait, is that what I found out… Nah!) Everything’s Gonna Be OK. (EGBOK!)
Unless, of course…
Nah. Let’s try bluegrass music. Sometimes that works.