Despite the time being (wonderfully!) spent on the NASA Social and the (self-inflicted) pressure to NaNoWriMo, and after an off week and a week where it was a “story in three sentences” thing, we’re back to our normal Flash Fiction Challenge.
This week’s Challenge is similar to a bizarre Challenge we did in May, where I wrote a story called “Gigantic Honkin’ Nipple Clamps.” For the life of me I can’t remember the story, and with that title I’m not sure I want to look or remember.
But the idea’s the same. There’s a new Buzzfeed article that has twenty-one stock pictures that will never be used for anything — of course, we’re using them. (I encourage you to go look at the pictures, even if you don’t read my story. They’re really weird.)
I rolled a 13 and got the picture shown after the story. It’s still better than that last mostrosity. (BTW, I did peek back to that May story – despite the title, I don’t think the story’s that bad at all.)
As always, comments and constructive criticisms are appreciated.
The body lay warming on the floor, covered in a sheet while a trickle of a thin, blue-green fluid crawled across the floor from underneath.
“So, you’re the one who shot it?” the detective asked.
“Yeah, I did it. Bastard had it coming,” said the restaurant manager.
“You want to tell me what made you suspicious? Was it the hair extensions?”
“Huh? Oh, no, that didn’t really get my attention. We see lots of very unconventional looks in this neighborhood. It was a little bit unusual to see it using them as fake eyelashes, but I’ve seen worse. You should be here on Halloween.”
“So, it was just sitting here, looking weird. Is that it?”
“At first, then it started playing with the chop sticks. It would flick them up into the ceiling tiles, wait for them to drop, then repeat the whole thing.”
“Sticking chop sticks into the ceiling. A capital offense?”
“No, but then it started goofing around like a five-year-old, sticking them into its nose so that they dangled out. And no,” he said, cutting off the detective when she started to ask her next snarky question, “I don’t normally shoot five-year-olds. But this was different, and pretty disgusting. I’ve never seen anyone put them so far up into the nose and sinuses. At least six inches, maybe seven, with just the nibs hanging out.”
“Did it put the chopsticks up its nose pointy end or painted end first?”
“I noticed that he was putting them in pointy end first, it was weird to me that he didn’t use the non-eating end for that.”
“Okay, then what?”
“Then it did something to make a bunch of holes in the tabletop. It grabbed a whole handful of chop sticks from the desk and put them into the holes. Then it grabbed a bunch of plates from the kitchen and started spinning the plates on the chop sticks. You know, like that guy who used to be on The Ed Sullivan Show.”
“Erich Brenn,” the detective said, “the guy who used to spin plates on The Ed Sullivan Show.”
“Yeah, okay, whatever,” the restaurant manager said, confused. “So it starts spinning these plates and in like, five minutes, it has over a hundred of them! I don’t remember that Eric Whatever guy ever getting more than twenty or thirty.”
“So you shot him.”
“No, of course not. But by this time we were getting pretty suspicious. Even for this neighborhood, that’s way outside the norm.”
“So what was it that finally convinced you?” asked the detective.
“Beer,” said the restaurant manager.
“You shot it because of beer.”
“Yep, that was the last bit of evidence I needed.”
“Please explain in more detail.”
“At this restaurant we feature a selection of over one hundred local microbrew beers, plus premium microbrew and gourmet beers from all over the world. Alpine Glacier Lager, White Rascal, Mothership Wit, Del Norte Manana, Mothership Wit, Red Rocket Pale Ale, Titan IPA, Levity Amber Ale, Plaid Bastard, Wooly Booger Nut Brown Ale, Ten Pin Porter, Moose Drool, we’ve got them all.”
“So what did it order?”
“A Bud Lite.”
“So you shot it.”
“Yep, right where it sat.”
“Excellent, it needed killing.”
“Why in hell do they come here, detective?”
“We don’t know, but until we find out we need to kill them all on sight. Lousy bastard had it coming.”
From Getty Images / Top Photo Group