Category Archives: Writing

Flash Fiction: Defenders Of The Universe!

This week’s daunting Flash Fiction Challenge from our pen-monkey overlord, Chuck Wendig, is to write a story that’s nothing but ACTION! The idea, something a little different for me, came in a thunderbolt. I hope that I pulled it off.

DEFENDERS OF THE UNIVERSE!

I was startled out of a sound sleep by a loud noise, possibly my name being screamed in agony. Instantly awake and on my feet, riding a surge of adrenaline-soaked energy, I scanned the area for danger.

There it was! My ancient archenemy, returned again to wreak havoc and inflict a horrible, painful, slow death on everyone in the land!

With a snarl I leapt for him, but as always, he was too quick. He danced around my thrusts and parries, playing with me. I tried to pin him to the ground but somehow he always slipped my killing lunge. I battled onward!

When he finally was being worn down by my relentless assault, he tried to flee like the coward he was. I chased after him, victory soon to be mine. All I needed to do was corner him. In honest, one-on-one combat, battling like the true warriors we were, I would be triumphant at last!

Inexplicably, he escaped from certain death at my hand by climbing straight up the wall! Defying gravity with some unheard of, demonic power, he danced on the vertical surface, mocking me, just out of reach from my leaping, spinning, and tumbling attacks. Taunting me with maniacal fervor, he repeatedly snuck down the wall behind me, tantalizingly close, and lured me into yet another futile attack, only to somehow leap across the gap to cavort with glee on the other wall!

As a wail of anguish and sorrow ripped from my throat, reinforcements arrived and the enemy was attacked from above! Flying high from his unseen, secret lair, The White One slammed into him, sacrificing his body in pursuit of our triumph over evil. I was in awe of the bravery and fighting skill shown by my partner as he forced the evil one back down onto the floor!

But cursed be my slow reflexes! I allowed the demon to slip past me and back out onto open ground. The White One and I pounded after him, the sound of our running like thunder, trying to close the distance so we could finish him off!

The monster turned and tried to get behind us. His turning radius was incredible, almost supernatural. A freak of nature, unfettered by the restrictions of mass and physics, he spun around us like a cyclone. Desperately now on the defensive, we spun as fast as we could to keep the beast in sight, but soon we began to get dizzy and confused. His dastardly plan was working!

Suddenly, as he finished having his way with us, while we were vulnerable and unable to defend ourselves, he again scurried back into the corner and hovered. He skittered back and forth as if he was waiting for us to attack again. Why had he not finished us off? Why were our lives spared? Why was he now waiting for us to recover and re-engage in combat? We knew it was a trap, but we could not help but throw ourselves headlong into the ambush!

As I had expected, the mutant spawn waited until we were nearly on him before zooming off at super speed. The fiend somehow was always able to keep just ahead of us. Still dizzy and dazed, The White One and I tumbled over one another in our excitement and the overwhelming, burning desire to be the one to kill this monstrosity from hell!

The White One and I split up at last as I jumped ahead of the demon’s path. Finally we had it trapped between us. Fearful it would again try to escape with that new, seemingly impossible trick of climbing the wall, I batted and struck at it from above to prevent its escape!

As the monstrosity realized it was trapped, it again almost magically leaped across the ground to squat in the middle of the room. Ready for this trickery this time, both The White One and I pounced on it and buried it under our razor-sharp claws!

Triumphant but exhausted, we looked for the carcass of our fallen enemy. As had happened so many times before, the horror had vanished without a trace. The White One was smug and proud with his role in vanquishing the demon as he began climbing back up to his hidden lair, high above in the heights to which I could not yet climb.

I made a quick circuit of our demesne to guarantee the icon of evil was no longer present or lurking in wait for my defenses to be lowered. Confident at last that another attack was not imminent, I returned to my warm, comfy spot on my human’s lap and curled up.

I kept one eye open as I started to drift back to sleep, but the Demon Red Laser Pointer Dot From Hell dared not make another appearance this day.

I fell asleep, purring contently.

Kittens rule!

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Flash Fiction: Zombies Don’t Eat Fuchsia Poodles

This week the Flash Fiction Challenge from our beloved Chuck Wendig is to write a story with a title including a color. I rolled a 6, so I get to play with “fuchsia.” Okay, I’ll admit, I hear the word all the time, but I have no clue what it looks like, so, “Hello, Google?”

Fuchsia

So, you wonder how a story gets written out of thin air? If it’s a story like this, it helps to have a Robin Williams special going in the background. You sit and think and you’ve got nothing. Any genre? Not a glint. Any style? Not a glimmer. Any ideas? My skull is pulling a hard vacuum. “This one is pretty easy,” Chuck said. I might have a different opinion.

You’re looking for any kind of a hook, a starting point. Finally, the Muse takes mercy on you and says, “Robin thinks you should write something silly.” Great, now my muse is talking to Robin Williams, and Robin is stating the semi-obvious. Say hello for me!

Does Robin have any suggestions on how to write this thing? “Yes,” says the muse, “you should start by thinking up a bizarre, silly, stupid title and then figure out what the story has to be for it.”

Oh, you mean like this one?

Thanks, Robin. Again. For everything.

ZOMBIES DON’T EAT FUCHSIA POODLES

Our backs against the tree, trying to pant and wheeze as quietly as possible while being absolutely motionless, I tried to analyze where the experiment had gone wrong.

Since the ‘Lypse we had all been busy trying to either be fast, good, or lucky. We hadn’t had a lot of time to figure out what had happened, or why, or who was responsible. Research was the luxury of a populace which wasn’t constantly five minutes away from being ripped to shreds. No atheists in foxholes? Maybe, but definitely no paranormal epidemiologists had survived the ‘Lypse.

A few of us had tried to keep our eyes open as we ran for our lives. We would jot down some notes when we found shelter. It was up to us to remove ourselves from the endangered species list – no one was going to do it for us.

There had been a lot of changes real fast. The zombies were the most obvious, but there were massive, overnight, seemingly random mutations throughout the animal kingdom. Among us survivors there were tales of stinging insects the size of blue jays down south, and dolphins big enough and mean enough to sink aircraft carriers along the coast. We hadn’t seen any of those things here in Minnesota. On the other hand, I personally had seen a herd of miniature moose the size of rabbits taking down a bear.

The household pet population had seemed to get hit particularly hard. As a result, no matter where you were, you had been attacked by zombies, and you had seen bizarre cats, dogs, hamsters, birds, snakes, goldfish, and pot-bellied pigs. There were huge ones, tiny ones, weird colors, and psychedelic patterns. Scales where there should be fur or feathers and vice versa.

It was like God had dropped some bad acid and took reality along with him on the trip.

I was the one in our pack who first noticed the growing population of the fuchsia poodles.

While the mutant pets had gotten weird, they hadn’t gotten deadly. Kittens still wanted to play with string. Puppies still wanted their tummies rubbed. They were just as much prey as we were when the zombies came through and they were far less prepared to fight back. Their populations had dropped faster than ours had.

Occasionally we would see packs of feral dogs. More and more they were comprised of fuchsia poodles. Not blue, not green, not yellow. Not Dobermans, not German shepherds, not retrievers.

Fuchsia. Poodles.

We were desperate. We were losing the war. We were being eaten. We had to do something.

Helen was convinced it was the fuchsia color that was the key. She argued we only saw fuchsia poodles because only poodles had turned that color. She went out and found every piece of fuchsia clothing she could and dressed in it head to toe.

It was Helen’s belief that the zombies couldn’t see anything fuchsia colored, sort of like how the Predator couldn’t see Arnold when he was colored in mud. She believed it right up to the point where she stopped screaming after the zombies got her.

The packs of feral fuchsia poodles got larger. The packs of feral humans got smaller.

A week ago my pack ran into another group that was heading north from the Chicago area. We gave them a place to stay overnight. Over a cold dinner we swapped stories and information.

Their leader had also noticed the fuchsia poodle anomaly. Better yet, she had seen in person what was happening. They had been hiding up in a stand of trees, waiting for a zombie pack to shamble on by, when a pack of dogs had run through. The zombies had started to attack the pack, but a handful of fuchsia poodles had counter-attacked without being touched, driving off the undead.

Other breeds, other colored poodles, all turned into zombie chow, while the fuchsia poodles could as well have been invisible.

I was tired of running and sick of being prey. The best defense is a good offense. Insert your favorite platitude here. I finally had a plan.

We kept our eyes open and the next time we saw a pack of dogs, we didn’t ignore them or scare them off. We tempted them with food, got them to come near, and performed a quick re-domestication operation.

So it was that I found myself strolling across an open field with two dozen dogs, including five fuchsia poodles, just tempting the zombies to appear. Which, of course, they did.

I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess I was hoping my new, magical, magenta canine friends would attack the zombies and protect me. I wanted to find the silver bullet that could even the playing field against this ravenous horror.

The dogs saw the zombies and took off running for safety. Some of the zombies broke away to chase them, but they were driven back by the fuchsia poodles, allowing the rest of the pack to escape.

The rest of the zombies kept coming straight for me. My friends in the trees yelled, “RUN!” I didn’t need to be told. The fuchsia poodles could not have cared less. I was not part of their pack.

So now we’re here, once again trying to catch our breath, once again trying not to give away our position. Failure is an option that equals a horrible, painful death.

The scientific method is apparently dead, along with ninety percent of the world’s population. So much for working hypotheses, testing of theories through experimentation, and revision of the theory based on new data.

We’ve been transported to a universe of chaos and insanity, but we probably won’t be here long.

The universe has gone mad. Rules? None. Logic? Dead.

“But that’s not the way it is,” you say, “it can’t be!”

Tell it to the zombies behind us and the herd of miniature piranha-like moose thundering toward us from the other direction.

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Filed under Critters, Dogs, Farce, Science Fiction, Writing

Juicy Chunks O’ Wisdom For Friday, August 15th

‘Cause there’s family in town for a wedding this weekend, that’s why.

  • The “Panoramic Photography #1” post was the 500th for “We Love The Stars Too Fondly.”  Wow. Really, seriously. Wow.
  • Remember as a kid when you would see a VW Beetle and smack your sibling in the shoulder and yell, “Slugbug!” Now that we’re seeing Tesla’s all over the place, can we start a new tradition of shocking our travelling companions with a taser and yelling, “Taser Laser?”
  • The “Flash Fiction: Amusement” post earned the 1000th “Like” for WLTSTF. More wow.
  • Having house guests (last month it was kids, this month the Long Suffering Wife’s sister) means that you have to wear pants and close the door when you go to the bathroom. Ah, how easy it is to slip into that relaxed, living without restrictions lifestyle, and how soon we miss it when it’s gone.
  • Following the “SHAZBATT!!” post, two new followers of WLTSTF became #200 and #201.
  • In one of the more odd displays of household animal behavior seen here recently, Joey Chan today attacked, molested, and sexually assaulted the purse belonging to The Long Suffering Wife’s niece. Mind you, this is a cat who has not once that I remember in her entire life come out of hiding when there were non-household humans present. Today, with both The Long Suffering Wife’s sister and niece here, not only did Joey make an appearance, but when ape on that purse for absolutely no reason that we can determine. This may be one of the signs of the Apolocalypse.
  • Finally, over on the Twitter side (@momdude56), my list of followers is creeping up as well, now up to 56. It’s progress.
  • If the Westboro Baptist Church really wanted to make some money, they should put some points system or test on their website which lets you see your progress toward getting them to picket your funeral. Maybe some pointers on what you can do to expedite your way to the top of the list — like being a decent, loving, caring, tolerant human being instead of a flaming asshole. But I digress…
  • I’m very grateful for everyone’s support here. Your comments, “likes,” and participation are the gooey raspberry-flavored runner’s gelpacks that keep my writing fingers flying. Upward and onward!

Remember, “There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots.”

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Flash Fiction: I Remembered It Was Thursday

Chuck Wendig, who is working his bearded fingers to the bone with his new YA novel out, has this week dropped an odd Flash Fiction Challenge on us like a ton of bricks. He has given us a picture of the cover on the re-issue of “Charlie & The Chocolate Factory”

 and correctly pointed out that it must be for the wrong book! We’re supposed to write the story that the cover is really for.

Challenge accepted! But I almost forgot that today was Thursday and posted something completely different here, so that gave me the title to go along with the picture. Two points make a line, three non-linear points a plane, and four non-planar points a space, so to get to the point, let’s write a space story…

I REMEMBERED IT WAS THURSDAY

It had really been nuts, between the CO2 scrubbers shutting down and then the coolant loop pumps failing. Murphy’s Law had followed us off-planet, not that there had been any doubt it would, at least among those of who lived one bad break away from a quick death. I had my hands full.

I had just managed to troubleshoot the scrubber problem to find where the fault was when the alarms went off for the coolant system. GRACE had followed protocol and started shutting down systems and shedding load to keep critical systems operational, but some of those “non-vital” systems were needed to bring the scrubbers back up. I was being painted into a corner.

Of course, the best part of it all was the way everything started cascading just as I was about to go to sleep. Nothing like going into a real-life emergency drill with half your brain shut down to begin with. Adrenaline – ask for it by name.

After an hour it became pretty obvious that GRACE wasn’t going to let me re-activate the systems I needed until I first got the coolant problem solved. Manual overrides can’t be done on some key systems in situations where GRACE has taken over. I understood the logic of that. Hell, I’m one of the guys who designed the system. If we lived, we would have a new data point to consider. Perhaps a minor tweak to the system might be called for.

I tried to get GRACE to at least open up one comm link back to home, but that was deemed non-essential as well. Rather than argue with her, I grabbed a portable data recorder, put on a medical sensor shirt, linked them, and started a running commentary. If I didn’t make it, at least someone would find the data eventually and figure out what happened. I hoped.

I had to keep moving. GRACE had kept a minimal number of fans going to keep the air circulating, but if I got into a tight space and wasn’t moving around, a bubble of CO2-rich air could build up around me like a halo, knocking me out in minutes. As it was, with the scrubbers offline, I only had a few hours at best. I thought about putting on a suit, but it would have been way too clumsy to work while wearing it. Instead I grabbed an emergency O2 kit intended for use if there was a toxic leak.

Down in the engine room it was cramped and already getting seriously warm. I got to work on the cooling system, setting my watch alarm to go off every ten minutes so I would remember to check my vitals. About the time the really bad headache started I found the ammonia flow valve controller that had locked up.

The only good news was that I could bypass the problem without having to go outside. I really didn’t have the time to do that. The bad news was that it was going to take too long to fix from inside. I set my alarm to every five minutes, started taking hits of O2 with every check, kept up the play-by-play to my digital sidekick, and pressed on.

I was getting close to finishing the bypass couplings when the O2 tank went belly up on me. The nearest replacement was a deck up and two sections over. I made a note for the record that we needed to have O2 in every compartment in the future, then pressed on, the muscles in my arms and hands starting to spasm and my nausea growing rapidly.

I don’t remember being surprised when I heard Violet’s voice. I hadn’t expected to talk to her again, not at this point in the mission, but she sounded as sweet as ever.

I turned about and found Violet sitting on her mother’s lap. Rose was dressed in one of her stupid retro-70’s pop art miniskirts, but she was silent, staring off into the distance beyond the bulkhead. Whatever she was mainlining today, she wouldn’t be joining us for lunch.

Violet was dressed in her favorite tea party getup, pink and purple, a pink bow in her long, golden hair with that monstrously huge feather boa coiled around her. Her unseeing eyes stared at nothing, as always.

“Daddy, why didn’t you come? I’ve been waiting all day.”

“I’m sorry, Violet dear, but I’m busy now. Can I come in a little while?”

“No, Daddy, I need you now! Mr. Furball is going to get away and then we’ll never be able to have tea today.”

“Is today tea day? I’m sorry, I don’t feel good, Violet. But it’s going to be okay.  Now I remembered it was Thursday, and we always have tea on Thursday, right?”

“Yes, but first you have to save Mr. Furball, Daddy. Why aren’t you helping me?”

“What’s wrong with Mr. Furball? Isn’t he in his castle?”

“He’s running around in there but Brutus has smashed the tubes again. When Mr. Furball finds out he’s going to get away and then Brutus will eat him!”

“How many tubes are broken, honey? Can you show me where they are?”

“Three of them,” she said, holding up her baby fingers to show me. “They’re right there but you have to fix them right now before Mr. Furball gets here. He’s coming!”

“I don’t know if I can, Violet. I’m very tired and I don’t feel good. Maybe after I take a nap I can get it done. Would that be okay?”

Violet’s face never changed, but tears began to run down her face. “No, Daddy, you have to do it now, not later! It will be too late later. If you don’t do it for me right now Mr. Furball will get away and Brutus will eat him and I’ll never speak to you again!”

“Okay, dear, I’ll try to do it now. Please don’t cry. Let me see what I can find.”

It was almost impossible to see with all of her toys and dolls all over, and Rose’s complete inability to help didn’t make things any easier. Everything was getting fuzzy and indistinct, shifting, moving when I hadn’t moved them. I could hear Violet crying harder, sobbing, wailing warnings at Brutus to stay away.

I had to concentrate, but it was hard and harder. I just needed a little nap, just a few minutes. After that I could get it all done in a jiffy.

I awoke stuck to an intake screen on the ventilation system. My head was splitting open and my vision was blurry. But the air was moving, holding me to the screen. I pushed away and looked around for Violet.

Of course, she wasn’t there. I checked and saw almost twenty minutes had gone by, but I was alive because the cooling system was running again, as were the CO2 scrubbers.

I managed to double check the three jumper lines I had connected and made sure they were secure. The last thing I needed right now in my condition was an ammonia leak. Then I headed back up to the bridge.

As I floated through the corridors, I grabbed the first fresh O2 bottle I saw, turned it on full, and started to take deep, slow breaths. It didn’t do much for my stomach or my headache, but at least the cobwebs started to clear between my ears.

On the bridge I found that GRACE, once the coolant loop came back on line, had executed the procedures I had entered to turn the scrubbers back on. There were more permanent repairs to be made, but I would be able to take care of them after I got some sleep.

Strapping myself into the command seat, I fell asleep almost immediately, still alive and kicking as the captain and pilot of the Violet B, outward bound toward Epsilon Orionis VI at 0.95c with her cargo of 12,413 colonists.

My blind and precocious daughter included.

 

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Flash Fiction: The Equal Amateur

Chuck Wendig, our bearded subdeity, has this week given us the Flash Fiction Challenge of the usual “1000 words or so” using one of ten randomly generated titles. I rolled a “2”, so I got to write a story called:

THE EQUAL AMATEURS

She met him for the first time in the gym just after the start of her freshman year. She and her teammates were just starting a conditioning session in the varsity weight room as the guys from the baseball team were finishing theirs. Even in a crowd of cocky, self-assured, egocentric, Division I, nationally ranked college athletes, he stood out from the rest.

The women had the current school bragging rights. They had gone to the finals in the Oklahoma City the year before, while the men’s team had been knocked out in the first round of the playoffs.

The guys hung out to “help” their female counterparts with advice and snarky comments. The ladies found various ways to tell them where to put it. He was in the thick of the banter, his mouth running a mile a minute. She was shy and quiet, unsure of her place, content to just get her work in and be ready to play when she got her chance.

Throughout the winter they would bump into each other every now and then at the training center. He was very good at telling her about his hitting and fielding skills, how it had always come so naturally to him. She would smile and be pleasant, wondering if he would ever bother to stop talking about himself.

When their seasons started in the spring, he made it only one game before tearing up his knee on a hard slide into second. The surgery was arthroscopic and straightforward, but the doctors told him he was done for the year.

She started her season strong and won the first three games she pitched. Her success helped to strengthen her growing self-confidence. She quickly became an integral part of the team, despite her lack of experience at the college level.

Coming back from an away game, she found him in the weight room late one night. Thinking someone had accidentally left the lights on she had gone to turn them off, only to find him working like a demon. He had headphones on and his back to the door, oblivious to her presence. Trying to avoid startling him too much, she flashed the lights before walking in.

He had changed. The surgery had removed his excess ego along with the ruptured tendons. “Thanks for giving me a heads up with the lights,” he said. “If the tables were turned I probably would have just tried to scare the crap out of you. Hey, I heard you won again today! You’re really doing great. How’s everything else going, besides the softball team?”

She told him about her classes, the roommate she really disliked, the way she had missed the snow, not being used to the southern winters. He listened until a custodian came in and said the building was closing.

A week later she again found him trying to get a month’s worth of conditioning into a single night. “Do the team trainers know you’re doing this,” she asked when she confronted him. “Who gave you okay to push your recovery this hard, this fast?”

He got defensive. His body would tell him what was too much and what wasn’t. He needed to be able to play again this year. He wouldn’t have another chance, even if it was only his sophomore year. Pro scouts had been looking at him the previous spring. He expected to be drafted this year. If he didn’t play he would have to wait another year.

She listened to him ramble on, before suddenly getting up and heading toward the door without a word. That got his attention. “Wait! Where are you going? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” she said. “You have this all figured out all by yourself. You don’t need me or any of the other people here to help you. I have work to do with my team. I’m not needed her on your solo quest for glory.” She left, ignoring his fading calls behind her.

The next women’s game was at home. It was the game in which she finally proved vulnerable, getting shelled and knocked out of the game early. Her teammates tried to cheer her up afterward, but when dusk came, she was still out in the cages alone, throwing one practice pitch after another.

When she came out, she found him sitting there, watching. “How long have you been there?”

“Long enough. Were you throwing to burn through your anger or did someone tell you what you did wrong today?”

“Shouldn’t you be off in an unmarked gym doing unauthorized strength training?”

“You’re tipping your pitches. You’re holding your glove differently when you throw the curve instead of the heat. You didn’t used to do that.”

“How do you know what I’m doing and what I used to do?”

“I’ve watched you pitch quite a bit since I got back. I know hitting and how to watch pitchers. Today I knew what you were going to throw, and so did they. Go check out some tape, you’ll see it.” He turned to walk away on his crutches.

“Wait. Why are you helping me?”

“I’m good at the game and I know it, but I needed to be taken down a notch and remember the rest of the team. You helped me see that, showed me the path to be better. You’re good, but you could be so much better. I saw a way to help you. It’s a teamwork thing.”

“So you’re going to work with the trainers and not do anything stupid?”

“Yes, I will. I’ll be here next year, the draft can wait. Will you work with your coach to fix your delivery so I can watch you win again?”

“Sure. Can I help you up the stairs on those crutches?”

“Sure. Can you give me a second chance?”

“Can you not be a jerk?”

“Maybe. Can we go out to dinner tonight?”

“Maybe.”

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Flash Fiction: Three-Sentence Story #2

No, I haven’t forgotten that it’s Thursday and that’s normally “Flash Fiction Night” here, since the entries to Chuck Wendig’s “Flash Fiction Challenges” over on TerribleMinds are due by noon Eastern on Friday. But this week’s Challenge is another “Three-Sentence Story” contest, with the results posted directly to TerribleMinds. Here’s my entry for this week:


When she met him, he was funny, intelligent, and everything she had ever hoped for in a husband. When they raised their children, he was faithful, hardworking, and a pillar of the community. When she disposed of his body, he was heavy, unwieldy, and a pain in the ass to drag through the woods.


I did pretty well the last time we were given this task to complete, making the Top Ten list of Chuck’s favorites. This week’s entry didn’t necessarily have to be horror, any genre would do. I’m not sure what genre this fits into — maybe something like an “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” episode summary. Whatever, it made me laugh to write it and share it.

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Flash Fiction: Second-Rate Superhero In Five-Line Anapestic Meter

I would like to apologize in advance to Mrs. Henry, my junior high school English teacher, who tried so hard, and is no doubt spinning in her grave as this is published…

When last we left our hero, Chuck Wendig, he was off to ComicCon! In his absence, he left this week’s Flash Fiction Challenge for us, commanding us to write a superhero story! But not just any superhero story! THAT could be done by mere mortals! No, we have to combine our superhero story with some other genre! It’s a superhero mashup! A superhero love story, a superhero mystery, a superhero slashfic (hey, there’s an idea — but it’s been a good day, so let’s not go that dark unless we have to), a superhero western, a superhero story set on a submerged submarine being hunted with depth charges… You get the picture.

Unfortunately for us all, I have a bad brain and while pondering the options, my bad brain said to me, “Remember ‘Mystery Men’? I’ll be you can’t write a story about wannabes like that — told in limericks.” Then my bad brain just sat there and watched as I squirmed and sweated. So now (as far better men than I have said) for something completely different —

THE ADVENTURES OF BRIGHT KNIGHT!

His mask had a soft, velvet lining
While outside his armor was shining
Bright Knight on a quest
To hang with the best
If only to shut up her whining.

She married when youth was in flower
Believing he had superpower.
That did not prove true.
That bleak day she did rue
Stashed away in her ivory tower.

Bright Knight’s only power of note
Was in burnishing brightly the coat
Of chain mail and light plate
That made him look so great
While the weight made him fearful of boats.

The night that his wife was attacked
Bright Knight had some petty crooks sacked.
Her screams he did hear
And her demise was near
So the kidnappers’ trail he had tracked.

The room where they held her was dim
She the bait for their ambush of him
But his armor’s bright sheen
Was his weapon unseen
As he rescued and ran for the win.

For their plan as he entered their trap
Was to focus their ray guns and “ZAP!”
But the bolts were returned
And the kidnappers burned
While the good guys took none of their crap.

Now the wife is content to let go
Of the dream that her knight might be mo’
While her man’s not too bright
His suit bends back the light.
And this story’s the proof that it’s so!

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Flash Fiction: Amusement

After the absence of an “official” Flash Fiction Challenge last week (which left me to revisit an earlier Challenge on my own, just because) this week we’re back to normal. Our new Flash Fiction Challenge is to write 2,000 words using a list of items given to us at random by the @YouAreCarrying Twitter bot. Send a tweet of simply the word “inventory” to @YouAreCarrying and it will tweet back a list of items you are carrying as if you were a character in an old Infocomm text adventure game.

You remember these, right? “You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door. There is a small mailbox here.” That sort of thing, so…

Adventuring we go! As always, comments and constructive criticisms are appreciated.

AMUSEMENT

I spun around as the sound of movement in the bushes behind me sent my pulse racing. There was nothing there, but just to be sure, I took my big stick and poked it into the shrubs again and again. Something loped off across the plaza on the other side, but I didn’t get a good look at it.

(Are you scared?)

I was tired, hot, thirsty, and hungry, a quadruple threat. I didn’t know where I was, how I got there, or how to get out. I just knew that I had to find Her, wherever She might be and whatever might be trying to keep us apart.

(Why do you seek Me?)

Walking around the end of the row of shrubs I could see a food court of some kind on the far side of the plaza to my left. Despite my hunger and thirst, I did not trust what I saw there. To my right the path wound up around the side of a hill and out of sight. Ahead of me, in the shade of a large tree, was a large billboard with a map.

(Where are you going?)

I approached the billboard. There was a red “You Are Here” icon, but it was jumping all around the map at random. From a faint, faded memory I recognized some of the building icons in one corner. Holding up the piece of paper I had found, I could see where the icons printed there matched, right down to the unfamiliar kanji written next to them. When the bouncing icon went into the matching corner of the billboard, a small icon also showed up on my paper, only to disappear when the billboard icon jumped to someplace not shown on my paper.

(Why are you here?)

Off in the distance to the right came another roar. There was a growing rumble, building to a crescendo of mechanical clanking and high-pitched screaming, quickly fading away. After it had gone I could briefly hear faint singing, beautiful and fulfilling, as if the sky itself was celebrating some joyous event. I had been hearing those sounds or something like them coming from different directions ever since I got here.

(When was that?)

I had been making turns to keep away from the roaring sounds, but that obviously wasn’t getting me anywhere. I turned to the right and started climbing the hill. I was quickly out of the shade and into the open sunlight. The air was still with only a tiny breeze, a bit sticky and humid, starting to get warm. The hill was bigger and steeper than it had appeared and soon I was breathing hard and sweating. I pulled the piece of ripped fabric from my back pocket and wiped my face.

(Why are you carrying a piece of a towel?)

As the hill rose I could finally see something of the area around me, for all the good it did. Everything outside of the immediate vicinity was blurred and indistinct, robbed of detail, reduced to mere shapes and colors. There were large, multi-colored structures stretching up into the sky in all directions. Glimpses of movement appeared and vanished on the structures, but no matter how I tried to watch them and follow their paths I couldn’t make any sense of them. My universe had been hidden from me behind warped and imperfect lenses. I thought I might have lost my glasses; when I tried to touch my face I couldn’t tell if I was wearing them or not.

(Are you sure you even wear glasses?)

The roaring and screaming sound came again, louder this time, from somewhere on the hill above me. Almost immediately it came again, slightly different, from down the hill behind me, and again, again different, from down the hill in front of me. I couldn’t hear any words in the screaming, just a chorus of shrill shrieks. With each pass of noise again came the accompanying wordless, voiceless songs of promise and hope.

(What do they know that you need to learn?)

At the point where my path reached its highest point on the hill I could see a crossroads. The road I was on ran straight ahead down to the trees on the other side, while a steep set of steps went down the hill to the right. Up the hill to the left was a steep, rocky footpath fading into weeds and scraggly scrub pines. Next to the intersection was a mailbox. When I got near, I saw something or someone run up and put something in it, before vanishing down the stairs leading down the hill to the right.

(Who or what is out there with you?)

I approached the mailbox and reached to open it. A feeling of impending doom came over me and I snatched my hand back. The source of the fear was unclear, but it got worse as I came closer to the mailbox. It was déjà vu, as if I had been here before and done this repeatedly in the past, even though I couldn’t remember any details. I took three quick steps back.

(What are you afraid of?)

After thinking about the problem, I pulled the nasty knife out of the sheath on my belt. Using pieces of my shoelaces I attached it to the end of the big stick, making a crude spear. Feeling more confident yet still cautious, I used the tip of the nasty knife to pull open the mailbox door. As soon as the door fell open I rammed the spear into the mailbox with all of my strength.

(Do you think you’re clever now?)

The knife stuck into something which began to writhe and struggle inside the mailbox. I held onto the big stick for dear life, leaning my weight into the attack. Soon the thrashing began to subside and a thick, yellow fluid ran out of the mailbox. Gradually the unseen grip on the knife was released, while a large cloud of purple smoke spewed out of the mailbox door and flew away on the slight breeze. There were indistinct and threatening forms in the smoke but I kept upwind and clear of them.

(What have you done now?)

Holding the makeshift spear at the ready, I peered cautiously into the mailbox. All that could be seen there was an envelope. The earlier dread had disappeared, replaced by anxious anticipation. After looking around to make sure I was still alone and safe, I reached in and took the envelope, opened it, and pulled out the single sheet of paper it held.

(Do you really want to know what it says?)

On the paper, in printed block letters, was a cryptic message. “TO STAY SAFE, GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM. TO BE STRONG, GO DOWN THE STEPS TO THE RIGHT. TO BE LOVED, CONTINUE ON AHEAD. DO NOT GO UPHILL TO THE LEFT FOR YOU DO NOT YET DESERVE THAT PATH.” As I read it, the words faded and the paper turned to dust, following the purple smoke onto the rising winds.

(Can you choose wisely?)

I wanted to be angry, to scream into the sky and vent all of my frustrations, to throw a huge temper tantrum. I didn’t know if I was playing a game and I didn’t know what the rules might be, but this was completely unfair. I wanted to be safe, loved, and strong altogether. It was cruel to make me choose one over the others. There had to be a way to get it all and I wasn’t going to be satisfied until I found it.

(Who told you that life was fair and why did you believe them?)

I peered down the three paths to see if I could get any further clues about what they held. The afternoon grew warmer and more uncomfortable as my vision remained blurred and indistinct. The thunder, screaming, and singing continued periodically around me, but brought no insight or additional knowledge. Trapped by my uncertainty and indecision, I found myself unable to move.

(Why can’t you have faith in yourself?)

Staring once again at the three roads and contemplating the choices of strength, love, and safety, I finally resolved to pick one at random and move onward. As I started to chant, “Eenee, meeny, miney, moe,” I desperately wished for an alternative to the three paths before me. That’s when I stopped chanting and turned to look at the rocky path leading up the hill. I knew with certainty She was up there somewhere.

(You’re not about to do something foolish, are you?)

At first, anger drove me on. The accusation of being unworthy stung my pride. The assumption of my failure filled me with a desire to confront my adversary and prove them wrong. I began to walk up the hill, the path quickly turning to nothing more than a rabbit trail. Thorns and tumbleweeds closed in from both sides and at times I was forced to hack a path through them with the nasty knife or push them back with the big stick. Progress was slow and sometimes painful. At one point I looked back to see how far I had come from the crossroads, but it had vanished into the warped and distorted distance.

(Why did your ego lead you to turn your back on strength, love, and safety?)

As I climbed, the periodic sounds gradually grew louder and more distinct. The roaring and clanking became more mechanical and less like distant thunder. The shrill screaming started to differentiate into distinct voices, intermixed with laughter. The music that followed kept me moving when the anger and rage began to fade, replacing them with passion.

(Why do you believe you’re worthy when you were told you weren’t?)

Near the crest of the hill the sounds began to be accompanied by visions. Looking up high into the sky above, some of the gigantic colored structures could be seen stretching upward toward the clouds. With each roar and scream I could now see something large moving past at high velocity, sometimes briefly blotting out the sun. The source of the singing was now getting closer, apparently near the ground just ahead.

(Will you accept the consequences of what you’re doing?)

I broke out of the brush into a large open field at the top of the hill. A white house stood at the center. On the porch sat a Woman in a rocking chair. She was neither old nor young, plain nor beautiful, but while She was relaxed and rocking back and forth, an incredible feeling of strength radiated from Her. I walked toward her and then stopped at the bottom of the steps leading up to the porch.

(Now that you have found Me, what do you wish of Me?)

“I am asking You for Your help,” I said. “I do not know where I am or how to go home. You are the singer, but I do not understand Your song. Please tell me who You are.”

(Would you believe Me if I told you I’m a muse, your muse?)

“I don’t know if I can believe or not. Trust and faith are hard for me. But I need Your help. I can’t do it by myself.”

(Why do you think you’re alone? Why do you talk only of your needs? What of Mine?)

“I don’t know what I have that I can give to You. I don’t know what it is You might want or need.”

(Do you value the black pearl necklace you are wearing?)

I fingered the necklace, counting the pearls on the string as if it were a rosary. “Do You want it? I will give it to You if You wish.”

(Do you know what it will cost you? Do you know the pearls are your spirit, your passion, your energy, your life, your soul? Do you still wish to give it to Me?)

Without hesitation, I took off the black pearl necklace. I took one step up onto the porch and placed it on Her lap.

(Very well, I will help you. The dark sounds of the world, the rumblings and the thunder, they will make you aware of the dangers in the world and you will know fear. The shrieks of happiness and laughter will give you the hope and joy to carry on despite the fears. My songs will be there when you listen and have faith, not to give you wisdom, but to let you see the wisdom you already have.)

I nodded and took a deep breath, feeling refreshed and good for the first time in recent memory. I looked at the Muse and saw the strength, love, and safety in Her gaze and Her belief and faith in me. “How do I go home?”

(Use the shiny key in your pocket. It will unlock any door, if you allow it.)

“But I don’t know where the door is.”

(It’s wherever you allow it to be and make it exist. You’re the writer and the creator. Write. Create.)

Behind Her I now noticed the front door, boarded up. I walked over to it and pulled off the two slats crossed like an “X” on the frame. Reaching into my pocket I found the shiny key and inserted it into the lock.

Turning the key, the door swung open into infinity.

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Flash Fiction: Board Room

This week’s Flash Fiction Challenge — is a repeat, because for the life of me, I can’t see where Chuck Wendig posted a blog entry or tweet with any mention of a contest this week. Okay, so the man’s entitled to take a week off. But I’m on a writing “mission from god”, so I picked a previous Challenge (this one from late April) and rolled the hypothetical, fifty-sided dice to get a 46, which gives me the character of  “the brutal businessperson.”

It turned out a little bit preachy, which I blame on flipping by “The Devil’s Advocate” on cable earlier today. This story was an interesting, dialogue-based scene to write as an exercise. As always, comments and constructive criticisms are appreciated.

BOARD ROOM

“I have to recommend against building this project,” Carson said. “The possible consequences could be catastrophic.”

There was silence in the board room as all eyes turned to the end of the table. The CEO did not appear to be bothered by the comment, but everyone knew that looks could be deceiving.

“What consequences, Carson? Every relevant department has concluded that this will be an enormously profitable venture.”

“I have no doubt that it will make money, sir. But I would bring your attention again to the report from our environmental consultant.”

The Chief Legal Officer turned his head slightly, not looking directly at Carson, turning only the minimal amount necessary to acknowledge his existence. “The EPA has already signed off on this project, Carson. You should know that.”

“Jason, I’m aware that the EPA has given the green light to this project. I’m also aware of how that approval was obtained, as is everyone else in this room.”

“Would you care to be more clear, Carson? I believe we’ve only followed our standard operating procedures.”

“I’m referring to the way the EPA was given only select parts of a highly edited report from our consultants, while both EPA personnel and our consultants were paid handsomely to ignore the discrepancies between the early versions and the final submission.”

“Is there any truth to that accusation, Jason?” asked the CEO.

“Sir, the EPA approved our final petition based on the information given to them by our consultants. The consultants were well paid by us. The information that was given to the EPA by our consultants and their testimony under oath at the EPA hearings were completely out of our control. If some of the senior EPA staff who recommended approval have careers with our consultant’s firm after they complete their careers at the EPA, that would not be unusual, nor would it be anything that we have any say in. It’s all completely legal and a normal state of affairs, as you know.”

“I understand, Jason. Christine, would you please remind Carson of the predicted financial return on this project?”

The CFO didn’t even need to look at her notes. “We estimate a minimum annual ROI of 25% beginning two years after construction, increasing to 40% or more by year ten. Our projected annual net profits over the first ten years are over one trillion dollars.”

The CEO turned back to Carson. “If we’re going to make that kind of return and nothing illegal is being done, what objections can you still have about this project?”

“Sir, the original environmental assessment, before Jason and his staff had it changed, warned that the drilling operations, refining facilities, and pipeline construction could have serious environmental side effects, particularly in terms of damage and accelerated melting of the permafrost across a region of hundreds of thousands of square miles.”

“Which is why we made engineering changes to allow for any civil engineering issues that might arise, which in turn led to changes in the final environmental report. The chances of an oil spill are infinitesimal.”

“Yes, sir, the odds of an oil spill are no more than one in fifty for any given year, and our engineering plan does allow for structural integrity of our facilities even in the event of changes in the permafrost. But that’s not the problem. There is a high probability that our facilities could cause massive melting of the permafrost, which will release trillions of tons of methane and carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. The environmental damage of a major oil spill is nothing compared to that. Methane is a greenhouse gas that’s even more dangerous than carbon dioxide in its effect on climate change. Melting of the permafrost at an accelerated rate like this could result in an accelerated rate of global temperature increase that will be impossible to reverse.”

The CEO’s stare had gotten steadily more intense as Carson had continued to speak. “I’m disappointed by your sudden passion for this fear-mongering and nonsense from the liberal press, Carson. This company’s position of so-called ‘global warming’ is quite clear, as are the multiple studies we have funded proving it false.”

“Sir, you and this board have surrounded yourselves with sycophants and yes-men who have told you whatever you wanted to hear for decades. The truth is that proceeding with this project will likely bring catastrophic climate change, not in two hundred years or a hundred years, but in as little as fifteen or twenty years. In your lifetime, the entire world economy will collapse as a billion or more people become homeless and start to starve. There will be wars, there will be famine, there could be the end of our civilization as we know it. You will not be earning hundreds of billions a dollars a year when the world collapses into chaos.”

The ticking of the clock on the fireplace mantle in the conference room was the only sound for long seconds.

“You are dismissed,” the CEO finally said.

“Sir, the facts will not change just because you choose not to believe them.”

“Carson, you may leave voluntarily or you may be removed from this meeting. I will speak with you privately later.”

“I’ll leave, but this needs to be said now and said to all of you. This project will be the tipping point that pushes the entire planet over into a runaway greenhouse. You personally are taking actions that will destroy five thousand years of human civilization. I hope that you all live to see the day you realize what you’ve done, and remember you had the power to stop it, but chose not to. As for you, sir, I hope you will live to see how the lives of your family, of your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren are destroyed by your actions.” Carson turned on his heel and left the meeting room, cold silence a wall behind him.

Everyone waited for the CEO to proceed. After a moment of staring absently down at the documents on the desk in front of him, he raised his head and looked around the room.

“I apologize for my son’s unreasonable outburst. Now, let’s proceed. When do we begin construction?”

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Flash Fiction: Center Seat, Coach Class

This week’s Flash Fiction Challenge is to write 1,000 words or so about “bad parents”. After pondering for a while, I decided that parents who use their kids as pawns and weapons in a contentious divorce are really, really bad parents.

As always, comments and constructive criticisms are appreciated.

CENTER SEAT, COACH CLASS

I had already gotten comfortable, my tablet in the seat back pocket along with two candy bars and my point-and-shoot camera. I had a blanket ready to go when they turned the air conditioning down to “subarctic”. I had cleaned the window so when I took picture the camera wouldn’t be trying to focus through multiple layers of forehead sweat residue. My headphones were in, my favorite songs playlist queued up on my phone. Hawaii, here I come!

The aisle seat had been filled with a Hispanic woman who seemed terribly out of place. Some combination of kids and in-laws and grandkids were filling two full rows back near the galley, but Grand Maw-maw had been deposited and strapped in up here ahead of the wing exits. She showed no sign she was going to do anything other than glower and whimper for the next ten hours.

I was just daring to hope the center seat would stay empty when a flight attendant escorted a small girl down the aisle. I would have guessed the girl was nine or ten. As she was buckled in, I noticed the absence of the usual ID lanyard which unaccompanied children usually wore. Odd.

As the final passengers were trying to find room in the overhead bins for their excess baggage I looked at the little girl and said, “Excuse me, would you want to switch seats with me so you can look out the window?”

She looked up at me with a quizzical look. For an instant I thought she might not speak English but she said, “No, thank you, sir. I fly a lot and I don’t care about looking out the window anymore.”

I swallowed my comments about how one should never get tired of looking out of the window when flying. Instead I nodded and said, “All right. Let me know if you change your mind later. It’s a long flight.”

“Ten hours and ten minutes, just like always.”

How did a ten-year-old get so world-weary and blasé?

Once in the air we settled in with our distractions and waited for the beverage service. As the carts started to roam the aisles I noticed the girl had put away her game and was holding her stomach, looking pale. I was going to mention something to one of the flight crew, but when they got to our aisle, the girl spoke up herself.

“Mommy, I’m not feeling very good.”

Mommy? The flight attendant in question was the same one who had brought her onto the plane and buckled her in. Leaning over the old woman in the aisle seat, she gave a brief, cursory exam and started asking questions.

“What’s wrong, what do you mean you don’t feel good?”

“My stomach hurts.”

“Is it a sharp pain, like when your appendix was sore, or are you nauseous?”

“Like I’m going to throw up.”

“When did this start? Did you play with any kids who were sick last week?”

“No. It just started feeling bad a little while ago, after we took off.”

“What did you –“

Before she could finish, the girl convulsed and vomited all over herself, the seats, me, and the Hispanic woman.

Chaos was the order of the day for the next ten minutes. I tried to not use too many inappropriate words in front of the girl and her mother. The Hispanic woman wasn’t so restrained but it was all in Spanish and neither the flight attendant nor her daughter seemed to understand a word.

Towels and napkins were distributed and air freshener was sprayed. The Hispanic woman was the least affected of us, so after a brief cleanup she was led to near seat even further away from the rest of her family, but away from the toxic waste zone. The young girl and I took a bit more work to clean. It took an effort to hold down my own gag reflex, but finally both the girl and I were wiped down. I took over one of the bathrooms to get minimally presentable.

I rinsed my shirt and pants thoroughly before trying to dry them as much as possible before going back out. I figuring that wet was better than chunder covered. When I went back out into the galley, the young girl was in the final stages of cleaning, her mother having found a change of clothes for her.

“You ate breakfast? Why did you eat if you were feeling bad?” her mother asked harshly.

“I didn’t feel bad then. I felt good. Daddy said I needed to eat hearty for the long trip, so we went to that deli I like.”

“What did you have for breakfast that might have made you sick?”

“Nothing, it all was good. I had pancakes and eggs and sausages and bagels with cream cheese and a pastrami sandwich. Then, because I ate all gone, Daddy said I should have one of the giant banana splits. Daddy bet me five dollars I couldn’t finish it. I won! Do you want to see the five dollars?”

The flight attendant was turning red. The other crewmembers helping her were suddenly finding something else to do or somewhere else to be.

“So, Daddy fed you all of that food and all of that ice cream just before you got on the plane?”

“Yes, but I feel much better now. Can I get my video game back?”

Her mother wasn’t listening. As she finished dressing her daughter, small chunks of her internal dialogue kept slipping quietly out. “That lousy son of a bitch! I’m going to take his ass… To use our daughter to embarrass me like this…”

She finally noticed I had come out of the bathroom. Flustered, she did her best to transition to professional flight attendant instead of furious mother. “I’m so sorry about this, sir; I’ve found you a different seat for the rest of the flight. I’ll help move your belongings.”

The voice was level and polite and the smile was firmly attached, but the eyes betrayed her. Mr. Sonofabitch Daddy might have made a tactical error in this child custody case.

I and my collateral damage clothes were on her side. I hoped she ripped him a new one.

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