Category Archives: Freakin’ Idiots!

Juicy Chunks O’ Wisdom For Tuesday, June 24th

‘Cause if it ain’t one thing it’s another, that’s why.

  • The glumphing roof roamers are back again tonight. Please let it not be mating season.
  • Upon closer examination, the picture of the gravestone rubbing (10th picture down) at the Rockingham Meeting House does not show the art engraved at the top of the tombstone mentioned (11th picture down). They’re similar, but not the same. The editorial staff of WLTSTF deeply regrets the error and will dock my pay and assign me to our minor league affiliate in Prescott, AZ for a rehab start.
  • I hate worms. Especially when they come in a can, as a “gift.”
  • Just had a nice little ISS pass over SoCal. Nothing spectacular, not too high, not too bright, but nice. I left the camera inside, spent five minutes outside to watch — and will now spend the next hour itching due to all of the bug bites. Where are all of those bats when we need them?
  • Speaking of flying critters of the freak out variety, in Vermont last week, I saved the life of Mothzilla! During our class reunion the windows got opened and toward the end of the evening we noticed the biggest freakin’ moth I’ve ever seen outside of a zoo or museum. It was startling people just a tad, but when it came near me I supressed the urge to squish it into oblivion. Instead, forcefully telling my brain stem that it was harmless and would not bite, I trapped it in my cupped hands and let it loose outside the window.
  • I’ve mentioned my use of the term, “Not my float!” and where it came from. I now see that there’s a Polish proverb (if “FaceBook wisdom” is to be believed) that has the same meaning but perhaps a bit more color — “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” I like it!
  • If Mothzilla turns out to be the one that triggers the Zombie Apocalypse (“I, for one, welcome our new Zombie Overlords!”) you can blame me.
  • As I was musing on FaceBook tonight, I can’t be the only one who would be happy to never hear about LeBron James again, nor can I be the only one who could not possibly care less where he gets paid tens of millions of dollars to play next year? Fine, I’m more of a hockey, baseball, football, soccer, college sports kind of guy and think the NBA is pretty boring and seriously overrated (why can’t we just make it 95-95 and put two minutes on the clock, it will still take two hours to play…) but even by NBA standards, LeBron comes off as a pampered, overpaid, and whiny egomaniac. Can we get back to the biting guy in the World Cup? Or Wimbledon? Or the Tour de France? Or ESPN’s “Not Top Ten”?
  • People, people, people!! PLEASE remember that Snopes is your friend! If you see something on FaceBook and want to re-post it with a comment like “This is incredible!” or “This is unbelievable!” — that reaction should be your first clue that you’re spreading ignorant bullshit and making the world a stupider place! Thank you for your future consideration.

Remember, “It doesn’t take much to thrill an idiot.” (Thanks, Kevin! Great to see you again!)

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Filed under Astronomy, Critters, Freakin' Idiots!, Juicy Chunks, Not My Float, Sports

Juicy Chunks O’ Wisdom For Wednesday, May 21st

‘Cause I’m really PO’d and trying not to be, that’s why.

  • As my brain shuts/melts down, the one item I try to keep on top of the memory stack is the wisdom I learned from Crash Davis: “Don’t think, it’ll just hurt the team.
  • Seven junk phone calls today to the land line, two from bots pushing political candidates and causes, two from live humans pushing political candidates and causes, and three from telemarketers. We’re getting really close to the trigger point where we take the phone off the hook until mid-November.
  • Is everyone checking in every now and then with the ISS HD Earth Viewing Experiment? I’ve stopped watching it obsessively (and come on, isn’t “obsession” too harsh of a word for what’s simply a deep and abiding appreciation for the beauty of our home planet from low Earth orbit?) and now just remember to pop it on a handful of times a day to see where they are. There’s about a 50/50 chance that they’re in darkness or out of range of the TDRS system or ground stations, but if they’re in daylight… O. M. G!
  • We’ve all seen the hundreds of “test” sites on FaceBook where you can see which Star Wars character you are, which Gilligan’s Island character you are, which kind of storm or tree or dog or insect or house you are… Cute, for about ten seconds, but do people really not realize that they are giving away all kinds of personal information to marketing companies when they do that? You already have so much data out there and once you go to one of those sites from FaceBook, you’ve agreed to let the site have access to whatever other public information you have on FaceBook. Birthday, where you live, where you work, your marital status, where you were born, what you like, what you don’t, who your friends and relatives are… Lots of small, innocent, individual pieces but not that hard for someone’s computer to pull together into a really accurate picture of who you are in detail. Yeah, they may be using that data to try to sell you cruises and insurance policies. Or they could sell it (or they could be careless and get hacked!) and the buyer could use it for blatant identity theft. Given the risk, is it really worth knowing what kind of cactus you would be?
  • Speaking of manned (or “crewed”) spaceflight, particularly on the ISS these days, can anyone explain why they’re always wearing belts on their pants when they do an interview? It can’t to prevent their pants from falling down and it seems a waste. Is it just to keep the ground-based human critters from freaking out?
  • I want one of those driverless cars from Google. The sooner the better.
  • If you’re watching that ISS HD site on your iPad regularly, I recommend that you bookmark an ISS locator site (here or here, my favorite) and the direct ISS HD video feed site separately rather than using the link above. It will look much better using the full screen on a tablet or smart phone. If you’re like me, you’ll actually create two icons on your iPad that will take you directly to the sites rather than simply bookmarking them in your browser — if you want to do that and don’t know how, just ask, I’ll be glad to walk you through it.
  • On second thought, I want everyone else to be in driverless cars even more than I want to be in one. I want one for myself so I can do other things while travelling and not see that as wasted time. I want one for everyone else because there are a lot of really stupid and incompetent freakin’ idiots out there on the road every day and I don’t one of them to make me a dead person just because they’re a stupid person. That’s not a decent tradeoff.

Remember that other timeless piece of advice from Crash Davis: “Some days you win, some days you lose, and some days it rains.” I’ve always thought that was actually pretty profound.

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Filed under Astronomy, Freakin' Idiots!, Juicy Chunks, Movies, Space

Yes, I Am A F$%king Asshole – You’re Welcome (NSFW)

Call it fate, if you will.

Normally I’m at the CAF hanger in Camarillo until about 3:00 or 3:15. Today I decided to leave early since I had a check to drop off, a deposit to make at the bank, and a stack of mail to go out.

Just before 2:00 I came out of the bank and went to my car. A woman had just parked in the space next to my driver’s side, a big, white, brand-new (no plates) luxury SUV. As I walked to my car I could see that she was talking to someone in the car. As I got to my car I could see two kids in the back seat of the SUV, an infant in a full-sized car seat and a toddler in one of the forward-facing toddler style car seats. The woman was closing the driver’s door and walking toward the bank.

I didn’t have time to think, I just said, politely, “Excuse me, ma’m? You need to take your kids in with you.”

She stopped, looked at me, and said, “What?”

“Your kids. It’s extremely dangerous to leave them in the car when it’s this hot. You need to take them in with you.”

It finally dawned on her what I was saying. “Mind your own business,” and she turned back toward the bank.

Now I raised my voice, just a bit, no longer convinced that  being polite and respectful was as useful a strategy as I had hoped. “Ma’m, I’m making it my business, sorry. You’re endangering the lives of your children.” I pointed at the time and temperature sign on the corner which said it was 105F. “You can’t leave your kids in the car like this.”

Now she was getting pissed, apparently not used to total strangers calling her on her behavior when she was being an idiot. She didn’t even stop, but yelled back over her shoulder, “Fuck you!”

I wanted to make really sure she heard me. I yelled. “STOP! If you go into that bank I will immediately call 9-1-1 and I will start breaking out the windows on your car to rescue your children.”

Now she stopped, storming back to get into my face. “Go fuck yourself! Who the hell do you think you are?”

I ignored the question. “It will be over 130 degrees in that car in less than five minutes.” OK, so I didn’t know the exact figures, but it was close enough for government work. Someone can correct me on the exact numbers later. “Your children will be unconscious, and they’ll be dead in less than ten.”

“I’m just going into the fucking bank! I’ll be out in five minutes!”

I knew that I had been in there closer to ten. “Simple choice, ma’m. Take your kids or I call the police.” I pulled out my phone, half expecting her to punch me.

She didn’t. She went around to the driver side on her car, opened the door, took the kids out, glaring at me the whole time. I just stood there watching. I was pretty sure if I got into my car and drove off, she would leave the kids.

As she slammed the door on her SUV and walked toward the bank with the kids in tow, she was furious. She yelled at me, “You’re a fucking asshole!”

“Yes, I am. I’m the fucking asshole who just saved the lives of your kids. When they graduate college you can remember this and thank me, assuming you don’t manage to kill them someplace else before then when I’m not around to stop you.” Okay, that last bit was a cheap shot, but she had earned it.

She flipped me the bird, but kept walking. It was apparently too hot to stand out there arguing, even though… Oh, never mind.

I waited until she was in the bank, then got in my car and left.

That was seventy-five minutes ago. The adrenaline shakes should stop soon.

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Filed under Freakin' Idiots!, Moral Outrage, Paul, Weather

Hell Arrives Early In SoCal This Year

Anyone who’s lived any length of time in Southern California knows that there’s a semi-official “brush fire season” from about late July through late October.  This is true of many other places in the western United States (Texas, Oklahoma, Arizona, Colorado all come to mind), but here in SoCal we have a LOT of houses and businesses that get in the middle of those brush fires, while many of those other places have a few houses and a lot of timber.

This year the wildfires have arrived early. It’s only early May, yet there are nine different fires burning in San Diego County and a couple more in Los Angeles County. Flip through the fifty or so pictures in that link if you want to see what Hell On Earth looks like SoCal style.

A big part of the problem is drought. California’s in an extended, extreme drought condition. Past droughts have resulted from multiple years where the rainfall amounts have been below average – but there was still rainfall. This drought has been caused by multiple years where the rainfall has been drastically below normal and many places have gotten no rain at all in two or three years or more.

Then the temperatures rise and rise a lot, much earlier in the year than they have in the past. Here in SoCal the two terms you hear repeated every year at this time are “May Grey” and “June Gloom.” Normally we’re getting a marine layer for weeks at a time, which at least keeps the humidity up a bit and will occasionally thicken enough to give you some drizzle or light rain. Not this year. The last two days have been at or above triple digits, and tomorrow’s going to be even hotter. Along with that heat we’re getting single-digit humidity (remember the crack about how “it’s a dry heat?”) and the Santa Ana winds blowing at 30 to 40 mph with gusts to 70+ mph.

Some idiot flicks a cigarette butt out of their car window…

Someone’s clearing weeds and their lawnmower blade hits a rock and sparks…

Someone’s car dies and they pull off to the side of the road, into the knee high, bone dry grass, which comes in contact with the almost red hot brakes, exhaust, and catalytic converter on the underside of their car…

…and eight hour later you have 20,000 people evacuated, 5,000 acres burned, and 100 houses gone up in smoke.

And it’s only the second week of May and it’s only going to get drier and hotter all through June, July, August, and all the way to Christmas and maybe into 2015.

One of these years it’s just going be a year-round thing, with triple digits, howling winds, constant fires, and no water.

This has been the driest and hottest year in recorded history, going back to when records first started being kept in San Francisco prior to the Civil War.

It’s almost like…like…like the climate is changing…

No, wait, that can’t be. Marco Rubio said that we’ve got it all wrong, and as a Florida lawyer he obviously knows far, far more than the 99% of climate scientists and weather researchers who…

Sorry, that’s a rant (or fifty) for another day (or fifty). (FREAKIN’ IDIOTS!)

Please keep an eye on the SoCal fire situation, today and tomorrow and the rest of the year. The people evacuating tomorrow might be you, or someone you know. Like, me.

I don’t think Marco Rubio’s going to be able to change that.

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Filed under Disasters, Freakin' Idiots!, Los Angeles, Weather

Remain Skeptical!

First, I don’t think it’s become national news (I couldn’t find any mention of it on the New York Times website, for example) but out here there’s a furor over an eighth-grade writing assignment in Rialto. In the assignment, students were asked to research and write an essay about the Holocaust, arguing either that it occurred or that it was a fabrication for political purposes. Needless to say, the shit has hit the fan, the Rialto authorities are backpedaling and apologizing like crazy, and the students are going to get a different assignment.

Secondly, in watching “Cosmos” the last several weeks (as you should be as well, it’s “most excellent” as Bill and Ted would say) a recurring theme is that the people who changed the world and changed the way we see it were the people who questioned the accepted “truth,” the people who asked for proof instead of doctrine.”

Thirdly, in David Brin’s “Uplift Saga,” a pivotal plot point is that after the spunky, underdog, pesky humans (yeah, humans!) discover a billion-year old Galactic civilization, they’re the only ones who question the factual accuracy of the centrally controlled Galactic Encyclopedia. Of course, they find errors, omissions, outright falsehoods, and many novels worth of action and excitement ensue.

Finally, look on the internet (especially FaceBook it seems) almost any day and you’ll find people passing around some picture or story that has them either astonished (tonight only Mars will be bigger than the moon!) or morally outraged (Obama’s letting the UN take our guns!). The outrage often comes from some political or religious point of view. However, the tiniest little bit of fact checking will usually show how bogus the information is. It’s even worse when the source of the bullshit is a mainstream media outlet, but we’ll discuss Faux News some other time.

The theme running though all of these coalescing thoughts (at least, they combined and coagulated in my brain today) is one of a healthy skepticism. I’m a firm believer in that kind of skepticism, but I would urge everyone to temper it just a bit with some common sense and balance.

  • Skepticism
  • Common sense.
  • Balance.
  • Stay away from the extremes.
  • Be very, very skeptical of conspiracy theories. The more complex and convoluted they are, the more skeptical you should be.
  • Set the trigger point on your “bullshit alarm” very low — but not at zero.

At one end of the spectrum, it’s okay to believe the Holocaust occurred without having personally been at Auschwitz and witnessed the horrors that occurred there. It’s okay to believe that the Earth is round, even if it looks flat from where you’re standing. It’s okay to believe that Neil Armstrong and eleven other Americans walked on the moon, even though you weren’t one of them.

At the other end of the spectrum, when the tobacco industry spent decades “proving” that cigarettes were not addictive and were not unhealthy — maybe that should have been double checked. When the cable and internet companies tell you that monopolies will make sure you get better, faster, and cheaper service — maybe someone should take another look at those calculations. When any politician (from any political party at any level of  government in any country or era) says anything, assume they’re lying until you verify for yourself what the facts are.

As far as the internet goes, Brin’s idea was ahead of  its time. Be skeptical of everything online and always get multiple viewpoints and sources. If the NY Times, LA Times, Fox News, CNN, Reuters, and NPR are all reporting something to be true, your confidence level can be high. If every one of those places has a different “spin” and is picking and choosing which facts to lead with and which to bury deep in the text, then you should not be cherry picking which source you believe.

Remember, you don’t have to believe any one source — especially when there are a lot of different versions of the facts.

As for what shows up online, jeez louise people, did y’all turn off your brains when the computer screen turned on? There are articles out there passing as fact that are so outrageous even The Onion wouldn’t print them, yet folks keep passing them around as the gospel truth.

In that huge grey area between those extremes, remain skeptical!

Multiple sources are your friend.

When in doubt, check Snopes!

If it sounds too good (or too awful) to be true — assume that it’s not!

Guess what — people lie to you! Especially if they’re making billions of dollars by lying. (See tobacco companies, oil & gas companies, politicians, and so on.)

Finally, when that viral bit comes across your screen, before you pass it on to everyone you know online, no matter how much you want to spread the joy or revel in humiliating your enemies, step back for a second and double check a second source. Google it. If the first few things you see use the word “hoax” a lot, don’t perpetuate the bullshit. There’s too much of it to begin with.

Now, go enjoy the internet, but remember to be a spunky, underdog, pesky, skeptical human!

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Filed under Death Of Common Sense, Freakin' Idiots!, Moral Outrage

Telemarketer Wars, Round Three

I’ve recently ranted (and that’s all it really is, I’m well aware that in the big scheme of things, if this is the worst problem that I’ve got going on in my life [and it isn’t], then I’m pretty freakin’ lucky) about possible suggestions on how to deal with telemarketers.

We’ve pretty well established that the BEST way to handle telemarketers is to not answer the phone if your Caller ID doesn’t show you that the call is coming from someone you know and want to talk to.

Having said that, sometimes that’s harder to do because you might be looking for a job and sending out lots of resumes and filling out a lot of online job applications. (I am!) While you’re putting your cell phone as your preferred contact number, the home number is on the resume and needs to be filled in on many of the online applications. So maybe it’s someone calling about a job?! (Hope springs eternal, despite the odds against…)

Or you might have your own situation or phobia or neuroses. Maybe it’s a hospital calling about someone who’s been in a car accident. Maybe someone really liked a blog post and wants you to write for them, or it’s an agent wanting to know if you’ve got a book you’re shopping around. Maybe it’s really, really that Nigerian prince who’s trying to give away that fortune of his.

Or maybe you just were warped and scarred at a young age by nuns who instilled an unhealthy sanctimonious vengeance response into your brain stem and you feel the need to PUNISH those assholes, just because! (I used to know someone like that. Yeah, that’s it! Someone I used to know…)

Anyway…

At first, I couldn’t figure out the paradox of how these scammers could stay in business, because I didn’t see how anyone could fall for their blatantly obvious bullshit. Well, at least in some cases, it seems that it may be a cultural issue, or a generational issue, and they prey on people’s fear.

Then I had a fortuitous accident and came up with a possible scheme to potentially confuse, befuddle, and waste the precious time of telemarketers, thus (hopefully) disrupting the efficiency and automation which are the core of their business model.

These posts have generated some lively conversations, both with people I know and with friends of The Long-Suffering Wife. So, in the interest of thoroughness (and the fact that my brain is all screwed up after the Kings’ second embarrassing loss tonight to San Jose) here are a few more ideas and suggestions that have come in:

  1. Just take the phone off the hook. Period. Anyone who really, really needs to reach you should know to call your cell phone. (The argument against this in my case is that my mother doesn’t know this, and our son overseas in the military always calls on the land line, so maybe there are issues with this approach.)
  2. Someone sent a link to an online anecdote from a confessed telemarketer with a situation that stopped him dead in his tracks — the person started singing, belting out a whole song while he listened, laughing. I’ve given this a try and it does work, at least in the sense that it gets rid of the telemarketer, stunning them with kindness (or at least surprise) instead of cussing them out. I started singing “The Star Spangled Banner,” which has the additional benefit of being really hard to sing (listen to anyone at the beginning of a ballgame) so if you suck at it (I do) it’s just what everyone would expect anyway. Emotionally, I would like to start belting out the chorus to Julia Ecklar’s “Temper Of Revenge.” (“Find me a horse as red as the sun! / Find me a blade that will make their blood run!”) Don’t know the song? You should! You can get a copy of the album from Prometheus Music, highly recommended.
  3. Someone at the hanger suggested just holding the phone out away from your mouth and saying something like, “Are you running the trace now, officer? It’s one of them again!”
  4. Someone suggested, if asked to let them speak to John Doe, to say something like, “He’s not here right now, but if you give me your personal cell phone number or home phone number, I can have him call you back when it’s most inconvenient.”
  5. Someone suggested just saying, “They’re dead,” and hanging up.
  6. I actually prefer a variation on this if you need to practice your acting and/or improv skills. No matter who they ask for, start stammering and crying, “You… You haven’t heard? You don’t know?” Sob, sniffle. “They died last night!” See just how much BS you can shovel, sort of like the way the guys got dates in “Animal House.” (“She died in a horrible kiln explosion.” “What, I talked to her just the other day, she was going to make me a pot…”)
  7. You can always just say, “Hold on, I’ll get them” or “Hold on, let me get to the other phone,” put the phone down, then go about your business. They’ll hang up, eventually. Then your phone is off the hook and you’re back to #1, above.

The gist of it is, don’t let the bastards get under your skin, and if you can turn the situation on its head, turn the tables so that you’re in control of the situation, so that you’re using the opportunity to get what you want or need (even if it’s just a good laugh at the expense of someone who deserves it), then take the opportunity and take back your life and your time.

Or you could complain to the police, the FTC, or your congress-critter. After doing so, please get psychiatric help if you think any of them will actually do anything about the problem.

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Filed under Farce, Freakin' Idiots!, Job Hunt, LA Kings, Moral Outrage, Paul

A Possible Countermeasure Against Telemarketers!

I’ve got it, I think. Perhaps. Let me know if there are unseen flaws in the plan, but if not, spread the word! Maybe we can stop these slimy bastards in their tracks, or at least slow them down significantly.

First, a few thoughts, some talking points, a little gedankenexperiment if you will:

  • These calls are annoying, illegal, and 99.99% guaranteed to be scams.
  • The people making these calls are often rude and abusive.
  • We would love to stop the calls altogether, but we’ve seen how well that works. Unsolicited telemarketing calls have actually been illegal for years, but there’s just about zero-point-zero enforcement, so what’s the use?
  • As individuals on the receiving end, we can hang up on them, yell at them, cuss them out, ignore them, or otherwise find a way of dealing with it. However, many of those methods still involve raising our blood pressure.
  • The best way to handle these calls is to screen them and just not answer at all — but some people (like those of us sending out resumes and looking for a job) regularly get (or hope to get, hint, hint) calls from unrecognized numbers.
  • The companies making these calls are successful because of automation and volume. They only need one in a thousand people to be ignorant or stupid enough to bite on their scam, they’re calling millions of people.
  • Humans aren’t making the initial calls, that’s a computer just going down a list calling one number after another.
  • The individuals working for these companies (couldn’t they get a job at McDonalds or in a Bangladeshi clothing manufacturer’s sweatshop, they have to sink to this level?) just take call after call after call after call. They’re making their pay based on the number of calls they make and the number of “leads” they can set up.
  • If you hang up, the company and their employees don’t care — they just move on to the next call.
  • Once you’ve gotten enough of these calls, you can recognize that a call is probably a telemarketer even before they start talking — you answer, get silence for a second or two (the computer on the other end is waiting to see if there’s a live human answering), then a couple of clicks (the computer has detected your presence and is now connecting you to somewhere in southeast Asia or Texas), then someone wanting to sell you aluminum siding.
  • It might be spite, but wouldn’t it be really great to find a way to simultaneously: A) Hit the telemarketers where it hurts (i.e., wasting their time), and; B) Have a bit of fun at their expense?

This would be wonderful, a much better option than getting frustrated! We’re not going to let the bastards wear us down! Illegitimi non Carborundum!

Some incompetent telemarketer may have inadvertently revealed to me the way to do this.

The call came in, I heard the silence and the clicks, I hear the background noise of a hundred telemarketers reading their scripts, and then “my” guy starts in:

“Hello, this is Bubba Schimmelfinny with ABC Corp, can I speak to Mark?”

Okay, this was new. I was perfectly ready to simply hang up — but this guy had a wrong number and didn’t know it. Maybe…

“I’m sorry,” I said, “would you like to try again?”

“I need to speak to Mark, please.”

“Would that be Mark as in my brother who lives in Vermont?”

Embarrassed silence for a second. “Oh, I’m sorry, I need to speak to Frank, please.”

“Strike two, would you like to go for three?”

“I don’t understand, maybe… The computer says… Oh, okay, can I speak to George?”

“Keep trying, slugger. You’re not getting warmer, but at least you’re entertaining.”

“I’m sorry for the call.” For a second before he cuts of the call, I can hear chaos and confusion on the other end.

Observations:

  1. I was laughing, not grinding my teeth.
  2. The buffoon telemarketer had wasted more than thirty precious seconds on a totally useless call.
  3. Absolutely the best of all, there was a real problem at their end when their computer had flipped out and was feeding garbage data to the guys on the phone.

And it struck me — WE COULD DO THIS TO THEM ON EVERY SINGLE CALL!

I tested the theory an hour or so later. The call, the silence, the click, the “Hello, can I speak to Paul?”

“Excuse me, Paul who?”

“Isn’t this the number for Paul Willett?”

“Beg your pardon, can you speak up, you’re very faint.”

“I’M TRYING TO REACH PAUL WILLETT.”

“Raul Willard? Never heard of him.”

“No, Paul. Willett!”

“Can you repeat that?”

Long story short (too late!), I kept that poor kid on the phone for nearly a minute, and when he finally hung up he was pretty sure that his computer had fed him garbage on that call.

But that’s just the beginning.

Remember Arlo Guthrie’s “Alice’s Restaurant?” (Wait, what… You don’t?! Okay, go immediately and listen to it, then listen to it again a couple of times because you will realize how perfectly wonderful it is. When you’re ready, come back. I’ll still be here.) His cause was fighting the draft in the Vietnam War era, but his technique will work here as well. Remember how at the end he wants everyone to walk into their draft board, sing a bar of “Alice’s Restaurant”, and walk out? If one person does it… If two people do it… If ten people a day did it… What if a hundred people a day…

So what if 10% of the people answering the calls from telemarketers played this game? (Extra points if you want to keep track of your personal record for how long you can keep someone on the hook.) What if 25% of us did it? What if half of us did it?

The telemarketers would:

  1. Be losing money, because their non-productive calls, which currently only cost them a few seconds, would now cost them ten or twenty times as much.
  2. Be unsure whether there was an actual problem or not. They could spend tons of money trying to “fix” a problem that doesn’t exist.

This type of thinking is not without other precedents. There are folks who deliberately “bait” the guys sending out the “Nigerian prince” emails to see how much of their time they can waste, with the real goal being to someday set one of these stooges for a sting by law enforcement. We could do something similar, on a much smaller, more personal scale.

Alternatively, you could look at it as a new type of performance art. The new equivalent of “planking” or “Tebowing.”

It could work! What do you think?

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Filed under Art, Farce, Freakin' Idiots!

A Thousand Days

Yesterday marked a thousand days since July 8, 2011, the day the final mission of the Space Shuttle program launched.

There’s no doubt in my mind that mothballing the Space Shuttle fleet when we did was a colossal error. A thousand days later, that opinion has only grown stronger.

Shutting down the shuttle program has meant that US, European, and Japanese astronauts have all had to ride to and from the International Space Station on Russian rockets, paying through the nose for the privilege. Note that I don’t blame the Russians at all for increasing what they charge. We foolishly handed them a monopoly — they’re just doing any monopolist would or should do.

I won’t argue that the shuttle program needed to be shut down due to how much it cost.

I would argue that it shouldn’t have cost nearly as much as it did. I would argue that from the beginning, the program was never bold enough. It was a program run by bureaucrats and politicians, not astronauts and engineers. For an example of what people outside of NASA were proposing, look at some of the early proposals from David Brin and others for taking the shuttle’s external tanks to orbit and using them to build a much bigger (and earlier) space station than ISS. But I’ll save those arguments for another time, it’s just a lot of “coulda, woulda, shoulda” now.

Reality check — in the early 2000’s the shuttle was expensive and had safety issues. Instead of addressing or fixing those issues, President Bush (the second one) decided that the program would be shut down as soon as construction on ISS was finished. That was the situation that President Obama inherited, and while he could have changed direction, he’s actually made it worse.

If you believe that a human space program is a useless waste of money, I hope that you’ve stopped reading and moved on by this point. I’m of the opposite mind, believing that it’s a critical part of our future if our grandchildren and their grandchildren and their grandchildren are to survive. I also believe that NASA’s budget, which is a fraction of 1% of the federal budget, should be doubled or tripled or more, immediately if not sooner. (I don’t remember the exact figure, but the ballpark figure is that the interest on the national debt for a few hours is more than NASA’s budget for the entire year.)

That goes for the unmanned planetary exploration as well. We should be sending orbiters, landers, rovers, flyers, and swimmers to Titan, Enceladus, and Europa. But that’s a rant for another day as well.

So, having spent thirteen years and something like $150 billion to build an incredible space station and having it finally ready to start doing full-time scientific research, our big vision, our big plan, the course our “leadership” set was…

…to shut down the only way we had to get there, other than buying a limited number of Soyuz seats from the Russians.

Now that relations with the Russians are turning sour, plenty of folks at NASA and in Congress are noticing that the only way our next crew gets up there is on a Russian rocket, and the only way the current crew on orbit gets down is in a Russian Soyuz capsule landing in Russia. They are all saying that it won’t be a problem, they’re not worried, the problems we have with the Russians will never get so bad that they refuse to take our astronauts up.

Yeah, probably. We hope. God help us if they’re wrong.

But of course, a thousand days ago, the successor to the shuttle must have been on the drawing boards and ready to go any day, right? Otherwise, that was a decision that absolutely defies any kind of logic or common sense. It would have been almost criminally shortsighted. Right?

Currently, the US successor to the shuttle is Orion and the SLS. “SLS” stands for “Space Launch System,” a heavy-lift vehicle designed to take us past low Earth orbit. It’s more commonly referred to as the “Senate Launch System” because politicians with NASA jobs in their home districts and states are the ones who keep insisting on SLS being built, when the program is turning into an incredibly expensive dead end. It’s also referred to as “The Rocket To Nowhere.”

It would be a fantastic vehicle, a worthy follow-up to the Saturn V — if it were ready now, if it cost a quarter or a tenth of what it does, if it could be launched four or five or six times a year.  But it’s not ready now, nor was it ready a thousand days ago. The first test launch (non-crewed) is currently scheduled for 2017, three years from now, far more than another thousand days from now, almost 2,500 days from the final Space Shuttle launch.

I only wish those figures were typos.

It gets better. Assuming the first test flight goes well, the second flight, which will carry a crew, is scheduled for 2021.

2021. If there aren’t any problems. If there aren’t any funding issues or cuts. If there’s isn’t another ninety degree change in course.

Four full years after the first test flight, they’re (maybe) going to have the second test flight.

When we were learning to go to moon in the 1960’s, through Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo, figuring out how to build rockets from scratch (yes, it was rocket science) we were launching as many as five or six manned missions per year, even on brand new rockets. Now, with over fifty years of experience, we’re hopeful that maybe we’ll be able to launch once every four years.

Can you tell that I’m less than impressed?

Then there’s Orion, the space vehicle that SLS will launch into deep space. It will carry up to seven astronauts to low Earth orbit, like to the ISS, or four astronauts on long (several weeks) trips beyond the moon to an asteroid or other target. It’s not revolutionary, it’s not a huge leap forward, it’s actually a huge leap backwards. It’s an oversize Apollo capsule, upgraded with better computers and digital displays instead of 1960’s computers that were a thousand times less powerful than your average smart phone.

Fine. Form follows function. It will get the job done. Was it ready a thousand days ago? Nope, not even close. But unlike the SLS, the first Orion (non-crewed) test launch is actually scheduled for later this year, although the smart money says it will slip into 2015.

So, next year we’ll be able to take an Orion capsule and launch it to ISS on one of our existing rockets, like a Delta or Atlas, right? We’ve launched hundreds and hundreds of those, we’ve got factories building dozens and hundreds more to come. Right?

Nope. As far as I can tell, the Orion will only be able to be launched on the SLS. Originally President Bush had proposed the Constellation program, which included Orion and a family of rockets called Ares. An Ares I could take an Orion to low earth orbit, an Ares V could take one to the moon or beyond.

But the Constellation program was killed by President Obama, and he came pretty close to shutting down NASA’s human space program completely. You don’t have a human space program if you don’t have any crewed spacecraft or any rockets to launch them. Some compromises with Congress led to the Orion being kept, the SLS put on the drawing boards to carry it to some very unspecific “asteroid missions” in the very unspecific “sometime in someone else’s Administration” time frame in which to do it.

Now can you tell that I’m not impressed?

Our salvation at this point lies with the private sector and companies like SpaceX, Virgin Galactic, Xcor, Sierra Nevada, Orbital Sciences, and Boeing. SpaceX and Orbital Sciences are currently sending non-crewed cargo vehicles to ISS.

SpaceX is well along the way to building and testing a crewed vehicle, with abort system tests scheduled for later this year and in 2015. If all goes well, it might be possible for the first crewed Dragon flight to be in late 2015. Boeing is also working on a private, crewed capsule, the CTS-100, which will launch on an upgraded Delta IV or Atlas V rocket.

Late 2015 or early 2016 is an awful lot sooner than 2021. Can you tell that I’m impressed?

Back to the original point.

A thousand days ago, the last Space Shuttle flight took off. With absolutely nothing anywhere near being flight-ready to follow it. That’s got to be one of the greatest failures of vision and leadership in our country’s history.

It’s not like we don’t go through the exact same process with other government programs. So the shuttle was expensive and getting outdated? In an analogous situation, the military periodically has fighters, tanks, and ships that are outdated and getting too expensive to maintain. What do we do then?

We loved the F-14 fighters (Top Gun!), but they got replaced by the F-16, which in turn is being replaced with the F-18, which in turn will be phased out for the F-35 in the next decade or so.

BUT… We didn’t scrap the F-14s until the F-16s were in service and flying. We won’t scrap the F-18s until the F-35s are in service and flying. The programs will overlap and compliment each other for decades.

The older conventional-fuel aircraft carriers were outdated? They were replaced by the nuclear powered ones, which in turn are now being replaced by the next generation of aircraft carriers. Guess what? We didn’t scrap one generation until it had served side by side for decades with the next generation of ships.

Tanks? Ditto. Submarines? Ditto. Cargo planes? Jeeps? Destroyers and guided missile frigates? Guns? Bombs? Artillery? You get the picture.

But not spacecraft! We took all four shuttles, all four of which were flying like champions, all four of which were perfectly functional and capable, and even though we knew that there was nothing to replace them for at least six or seven (or twelve, or fifteen) years…we gutted them and put them into museums.

Strike one. If that’s not freakin’ stupid, I don’t know what is.

And let’s look at that analogy with military vehicles in another way. Do we make one single type of airplane? Nope, we have fighters, cargo planes, refueling planes, attack helicopters, troop carrying helicopters, tank killers, scout planes, bombers — an array different vehicles for different jobs.

Do we have one kind of Navy ship? Nope, we have aircraft carriers, destroyers, guided missile frigates, cargo ships, fuel ships, small attack submarines, big ballistic missile launching submarines…

So why are we building one and only one kind of rocket?

Wouldn’t it make more sense to have crew-rated rockets in a range of sizes and capabilities? Smaller ones for putting spacecraft in low Earth orbit, bigger ones for putting big payloads (like space station pieces) into low earth orbit, even bigger ones for sending crews and ships to the moon and beyond? For that matter, why don’t we also have orbital craft that are never designed to land or come down to Earth, but act permanently in space as tugs, fuel depots, shuttles between the Earth and Moon, shuttles from the lunar surface to lunar orbit, shuttles from Earth orbit to the L5 and L4 points, shuttles between Earth and Mars…

Strike two. If that’s not freakin’ stupid, I don’t know what is.

I’m rooting hard for SpaceX, Orbital, Boeing, Virgin Galactic, Blue Origin, and Sierra Nevada. We need some success and some innovation and we need it soon. As important as I believe human space flight to be, it’s been proven to be too important to leave to the bureaucrats and politicians.

The last thousand days have proven that.

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Filed under Death Of Common Sense, Freakin' Idiots!, Politics, Space

Forget The Comments, Don’t Read The News!

It’s a truism of the internet that you should NEVER read the comments on any online article. They are almost universally a demonstration of humanity’s worst aspects, filled with hatred, immaturity, factional rantings, spam, ignorant diatribes, and just plain old fashioned freakin’ stupidity.

There are very rare exceptions, such as the comments on John Scalzi’s “Whatever” blog, but that’s because he moderates the comments. While he lets folks have quite a bit of latitude and in no way requires commentators to agree with him, comments which get too far off track, abusive, or incredibly stupid are simply deleted. His site, his rules.

Days like today I’m finding that it can be hazardous to your blood pressure to read the news articles themselves, let alone the comments. Shootings, earthquakes, politics, Crimea… It makes you wonder sometimes if we’re going to make it, or if it would necessarily be a good thing if we do.

So to help lower your blood pressure, or at least mine, here’s a calming picture of moonrise over the fog in Franconia, New Hampshire, August 2004.

Focus on your breathing…

DSCN2294 small

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Filed under Freakin' Idiots!, Photography

Telemarketers & Scammers

I am perplexed by what I see as a paradox.

On the one hand, despite my regular experiences with my fellow humans on the LA freeway system, I try not to think of everyone as a bunch of freakin’ idiots! Granted, there are more of them out there than I would like, but on average, we’re not that stupid.

On the other hand, telemarketers and scam artists all seem to be doing booming business. As best as I can tell, that can only be happening if a pretty significant percentage of the population has less intelligence and less common sense than your average loaf of bread.

We all get the annoying telemarketing calls with general contractors wanting to give us estimates, credit card deals that we can only take advantage of at this instant, mysterious dudes who will buy your house in any condition, get cash fast opportunities with a pink-slip loan, painters who will be in your neighborhood next week and can put you on the schedule also, and so on ad infinitum.

They’re annoying, they’re illegal, and they’re not going to stop any time soon. I won’t even start on the political ads which inundate us when the primaries and general election rolls around. The political ads are legal because the laws written by the politicians exempt them. Cozy, eh? That should give us a clue about how enthusiastic the regulatory agencies are at enforcing the law.

My problem right now is caused in part by my employment situation and by the fact that I’ve got this new volunteer position with the local CAF wing. Normally I would just not bother to ever answer the land line unless the caller ID says that it’s someone I know. But I don’t want to take a chance on missing a call related to the job hunt or the CAF, so I end up answering the phone.

Two scammers were particularly persistent, calling three or four times a day for the last couple of days. (Or at least, they have the same bogus information on the Caller ID.) I got sick of it today and answered.

Despite the different Caller ID data, both were someone claiming to be from “Windows Computer Service Office.” Both were people speaking in extremely heavy accents, almost unrecognizable, both reading (badly) from a script. When I asked the first lady to stop reading from the script and just answer a couple of questions, she hung up. When I asked the second guy, he wanted to argue that he really, really WAS from “Windows Computer Service Office!” I said that I was as likely to be working for the FBI as he was to be working for Microsoft, and I asked him if anyone ever fell for this bullshit he was forced to read. He was still cussing me out and making suggestions that were anatomically unlikely when I hung up.

There’s the paradox. I don’t see how these scams ever generate a dime. Who in the world would bother to listen to this utter crap song and dance, let alone give them credit card information and access to their computers? Yet, there is obviously someone or some organization (it sounds like the calls are coming from a room full of hundreds of callers, just like in the movies) who’s paying to run this scam, so there must be some financial return or they would quit. I don’t get it.

Ditto for the “general contractors” who want to give free estimates. Do people ever really, really give tens of thousands of dollars in remodeling work to someone who just called up on a robo-dialer? Yet they keep calling. What gives?

Another similar thing that caught my eye earlier this week I can now understand a little bit more, thanks to something passed on by a Pepperdine classmate just a few minutes ago. (I had a really good rant going about this one too, but you’re going to get the re-write.)

It seems that people are getting calls from someone claiming to be with the IRS, demanding immediate wire transfer payments of thousands of dollars or else their homes will be seized, they’ll lose their car, and so on. Another local scam I just heard about is similar, with the caller claiming that there’s an outstanding arrest warrant and  if the payment isn’t made you’ll be hauled off to jail.

Kneejerk reaction, as above, is who in the hell falls for this? How can you not know that the IRS and the police NEVER handle things this way? If I got such a call from “the IRS”, I would tell them that I would be more than happy to see them at the local IRS office, give them the address, and ask for their name, their supervisor’s name, the date of the tax returns in question, the document locator numbers for the claims… There might also be some choice vulgarity in there, but I would promise (pinky swear, cross my heart and hope to die!) to apologize if and when we ever actually met in person in a real IRS office and they proved themselves to be real IRS agents.

Guaranteed, they would be hanging up on me and moving on to the next mark long, long before I got 10% of those questions said.

They say they’re with the police and there’s a warrant? Fine, show up at my door, in uniform, and let me see a badge. Until then, I have some moves to suggest that the Kama Sutra overlooked, which I will of course apologize for if and when…

Then I saw the article that’s related to the ones I had seen. But it’s not from the New York Times or Los Angeles Times or Washington Post. It’s from India West Online and talks about how these scams are targeting immigrants and non-native-born Americans.

That makes far more sense. These clowns aren’t calling folks who were born and raised here. 99.999999% of the calls would get laughed at. But if you target people who know a lot less about our culture and institutions, who may have limited English skills, who can be blackmailed with threats of deportation in addition to arrest and financial ruin, then I would expect to have a much higher “success” rate.

It’s not that these folks are stupid, it’s that they don’t have the same backgrounds and “common knowledge” that others have. For con artists and the slimeballs who run these scams, someone who is a stranger in a strange land becomes the weak gazelle at the watering hole.

So, pass the word, particularly if you know someone whose cultural background might make them a target. The IRS will NEVER demand an instant payment, and they will NEVER call you on the phone, at least for an initial notice (or the first couple hundred after that). The IRS just loves, loves, loves killing trees to send you paperwork. That phone call is bogus.

Ditto for the police. If there’s an arrest warrant for you — they’ll arrest you. Pure and simple. Anyone calling on the phone, claiming to be the police, and demanding any kind of immediate payment at all is 100.0000% guaranteed to be bogus. You should just hang up.

With all of that said, I still don’t have a clue how the “Windows Computer Service Office” makes any money, nor do I have any good way to deal with the calls. Ignoring them completely is probably the best option (so my head tells me) but my Catholic school upbringing makes me want to punish them (a feeling that comes from the gut, not the head).

Their “currency” is time — they want to move on as quickly as possible to the next victim when it becomes obvious that you’re not going to bite. But I don’t want to tie up my precious time either. That’s why these calls piss me off so much in the first place.

Does anyone have any good suggestions on a technique that would tie them on the phone for a while, while also not giving into their scam in any way and not taking any of my time in return?

 

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Filed under Death Of Common Sense, Freakin' Idiots!, Moral Outrage