Category Archives: Paul

Fear Passes

I wrote a few weeks ago about wisdom from the science fiction classic “Dune” and the famous quote about fear.

I’m not sure that the fear which inspired those comments has passed so much as it was always there and I’m passing through it.

It’s not a trivial distinction.

The former concept is passive – just endure, hold on, survive, and the fear will pass through you. The latter is active – move yourself through the fear, one step at a time, until you come out the other side.

The former leaves you with little agency or control. The latter is empowering.

The former can leave you feeling like a victim or survivor. The latter can lift you up to feeling like a conqueror.

I’m not through it yet – many adventures lie ahead. But I’m finally to a place where I can start to embrace the coming adventures instead of dreading the perceived ordeal to get through it.

I also hope the next time (there’s always a next time) I can remember that the anticipation of that perceived ordeal turned out to be much worse than the actual ordeal. And having come through what I hope is the worst of it, that I’ll remember the feeling of success and accomplishment that can be waiting on the other side.

Ideally it would be best to somehow have that memory of success (let’s call it “confidence”) deeply ingrained at a cellular level. But I’ll settle for having my head remember it, even when my gut doesn’t.

It’s sort of like a colonoscopy these days. In practice, the procedure itself is a piece of cake compared to the day of prep leading up to it. And the anticipation of the prep once you’ve done it once is far worse than the actual prep. (Which is not to say that the prep doesn’t totally, 100,000% suck.)

Lesson noted. Possibly learned.

Time will tell

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Filed under Deep Thoughts, Paul

First Do No Harm

Fog.

Confused. Lost. Angry. Frustrated. Directionless.

Maybe it’s the anniversary. Maybe it’s today’s news. Maybe it’s all of that and more.

It’s a roller coaster. Some long-term battles have been won. Some decisions and deadlines are coming like a runaway freight train.

What to do?

Take a deep breath. Pause. Nothing needs to be done this second. Let the gut unclench a bit. A memory comes. A piece of advice, shining dimly through the fog of confusion like the most distant of beacons.

“First – do no harm.”


So instead of angst & fog and confusion, let’s share some pictures from our Sunday BBQ. It was a nice gathering. There were some old favorites and some new adventures on the grill. The gas held out juuuuuuuuust long enough to finish.

It all came out well, even the adventures. More experimentation and experience is needed on the tri-tip. Practice, practice, practice.

The season started to the sacred BBQ vestments were brought out of storage. I was having a good time…

…and not thinking about fog. Or the news. Or decisions.

Somewhere in the middle is a path.

Somewhere in the fog.

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Filed under KC Chiefs, Paul

Wait, I Posted “Adult Content”??!!

This morning I got an email from Tumblr.

The problem I’m having with the hallucinations is that they’re apparently not the “fun” or “colorful” kind – they’re the ones where I go wild and crazy and post adult content on my site but don’t remember it.

Wait – do I even HAVE a Tumblr account? Half wondering if this was some very clever and sophisticated phishing scheme, I clicked on the link to see what “adult content” I had posted.

C’mon, folks!! Even if I hadn’t been wearing pants when my phone went rogue, this STILL wouldn’t have been “adult content!” “Objectionable,” sure. “Disgusting,” possibly. “Nauseating,” without a doubt. But “adult”???

So I disputed the characterization and figured I would get a decision in about three weeks. Maybe.

Three seconds (literally) later, I got this.

Wow, I feel much safer now. Don’t you?

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The Wisdom Of “Dune”

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” – Frank Herbert, “Dune”

I distinctly remember reading “Dune” for the first time. I was a high school senior and took a college-level night English literature class that focused on science fiction classics. I remember being just totally blown away by the scope and sweeping story line, but also with some of the more philosophical concepts and the detailed politics and strategies between the different factions.

The quote above was always the best and most memorable of all.

These days, fifty-four years after publication, you can get it on T-shirts and memes – in high school you could order posters of it to hang next to my Led Zeppelin posters.

Fear has its place. There are lots of things in life that are worthy of fear – hopefully most of us don’t encounter them on a regular basis.

Irrational, unnecessary fears are a problem. Too many of us (myself included) can get slowed down, even paralyzed into inaction at times, tied up in knots over fears of what might or might not happen in the immediate or near future.

Courage and confidence can be overwhelmed by such fears. The mind can believe us to be helpless when we are not. The gut can get twisted into knots when there’s no immediate danger, or even true danger in the short term. Problems? Yes, up to our asses in alligators some times. Danger and crises? No, they’re not real alligators, it’s just a figure of speech.

There may be problems at work, at school, with our health, with our families, and they may be serious. Are they an actual “DANGER” this minute? Today? Next week? If not, why be tied up and wasting all of that nervous energy today?

And we’re usually not without resources, not without alternatives, not without options. Sure, getting from here to a better place might well involve a gauntlet of truly torturous ordeals – but that doesn’t mean that we can’t get there. And if we’re already being tortured on a daily basis just dealing with our current day-in, day-out shit, isn’t the better long term plan to be working through those ordeals toward a better place.

The gut doesn’t always agree or understand. But the head needs to remember. Don’t let fear dominate. Let it pass through you. And then move on, with the head in control, not the gut.

At least, that’s the plan and good advice!

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Filed under Health, Paul

My Leg

Today started out pretty much where yesterday left off.

That’s not good.

It was a “busier than God” sort of day on top of it, and a long 11+ hours at the hanger.

That’s not necessarily good.

Then when I got home there was craziness from the job site.

That wasn’t good at all.

But I was stubborn. I kept moving. I made it out the other side and might have made some progress.

That’s good. Finally.

I have no idea why my cell phone camera decided to take a burst of 22 photos of my leg while I was driving.

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Filed under Paul, Photography

Paper Or Plastic?

They say one should never make a decision in anger. (They also apparently say you should never make a promise when happy, but that sounds like bullshit.)

Tonight, I shouldn’t be allowed to answer the question that titles this post.

I know it will pass. But like Spock in the first JJ Abrams “Star Trek” after Kirk finally gets under his skin (and his planet and millions of his people including his mother have been killed – details) I’m probably better off counting backwards from 1,000 in German.

That’s what an adult would do.

Eintausend

Neunhundert neun und neunzig

Neunhundert acht und neunzig

Neunhundert sieben and neunnzig

Neunhundert sechs und neunszig

Neunhundert fünf und neunzig

Neunhundert vier und neunzig

Neunhundert drei und neunzig

Neunhundert zwei und neunzig

Neunhundert ein und neunzig

Neunhundert neunzig…

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Goodbye, Sandy

Tonight there’s a Sandy-sized hole in my heart.

Sandy was a close, dear friend in high school. We had a lot of adventures together. We lost touch for a while after high school, but a few years back we finally reconnected.

Whenever I made it back to Vermont I always made a point to get together if we possibly could. When I couldn’t get to Vermont or she was off being a snowbird in Florida we would swap jokes and snarky comments online.

Today a fair-to-middlin’ shitty day got a whole lot worse when I got a call from Jackie, her partner of I-don’t-even-know how many years. Sandy had been fine on Saturday night, stayed up late to chat with her brother who was visiting. Sunday morning she was gone, peacefully, in her sleep.

We’ve had classmates that have passed away in the 45+ years. Some I barely knew, some I had at least a passing acquaintance with, one or two that I had been close to back in the day. But none so far that I had been this close to. This one hit me like a brick.

It will take a few days to process, and probably more to accept. I’ll never forget her smile, her laugh, or her bear hugs.

In 2015 when I was back in Vermont to visit my mother as she went downhill, Sandy took me out for a kayaking day around Center Pond in northern Vermont. While I’ll cherish my memories of her from high school, I’ll equally cherish the memories of this day on the lake with the loons. And I’m glad that we made time to get together in June when we were back for my 45th.

Goodbye, Sandy.

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Filed under Paul, Photography, Travel

No Context For You – September 02nd

How long does it take to feel rested again? How long to feel good, to feel energetic? How long before you don’t feel guilty sitting all day and taking a long nap because you just don’t have the energy for anything else?

Two days isn’t the answer.

And tomorrow morning, bright and early, we’re back at it.

Long term, that might be contraindicated as well. But any possible alternative option is not obvious.

Hello, September.

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Back To The Ramp

With the EMHE experience behind us (they did finish it up late last night) it was time to get back to my other obsession.

Most of the aircraft that aren’t in maintenance were out on the ramp. The F-8F Bearcat (left), F-6F Hellcat (center), and P-51 (enter left, just in front of the Hellcat’s left wing) were all prepped and ready to fly for the memorial service of a WWII vet that was being held at our hangar. The PBJ (right) and Jason’s MIG-17 (center right, red plane in front of the Hellcat’s right wing) were out there for show.

Side view.

I’m told it was a great day for flying. (I was at a desk, doing finance things all day.)

And now for two days of sitting on my ass a lot. Maybe reading. Maybe a movie or two.

Or maybe just some quality nap time.

As wiser people than I have pointed out, when you get old enough you find that things that were punishments as a child (“Go to your room and just sit there and think!” or “Go get in bed early, right now!”) have become hard won rewards.

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Filed under CAF, Paul, Photography

EMHE Build – Day Seven

Today was the final day, the last push, “ending” with the “Move That Bus!” moment.

I wasn’t there.

I was again back at the office, dealing with the banking and insurance and payroll and all of those mundane and boring and critical things that keep the company running. Which is fine by me – I think I’m allergic to those in “The Business.” I’ll pass on the crowds, the multiple takes, the interminable adjustments of minutia for reasons that only God, the director, and the cinematographer understand.

While busy as all get out (and still sore and exhausted from my five days on site and the frantic, crazed couple of weeks leading up to the EMHE Build) at the office, I felt a little bit like Michael Collins. Everyone remembers Armstrong and Aldrin because they walked on the moon, but Collins was “the other guy,” the guy who stayed in orbit around the moon while the moon landing was going on. His job was critical to the mission’s success and getting everyone back home safely – but the other guys got the marquee gig.

Whatever.

I just hope that everything got wrapped up and it’s over. I’m sure there will be a ton of loose ends to deal with next week and probably all through September, on both the site and back at the office. (A LOT of things got shoved onto the back burner to make this thing happen.) But for now, I need a few days off, and I’m sure the rest of my co-workers do as well.

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Filed under Homes4Families, Paul