Category Archives: Paul

…when you’re in such a whirlwind that you don’t even know what the questions are?

In some ways I envy those like Nuke Laloosh who are not cursed with self-awareness – as Annie noted, the world’s made for them.

For me it often feels like I’m drowning and begging for someone to throw a life preserver, while all I get are anchors.

I’m aware that I can swim, even if I can’t swim well, but it’s hard to swim away into the unknown.

But it might be necessary.

Drowning’s always struck me as a particularly shitty way to go – doing it for no damn good reason when you don’t have to can’t be any better.

In related news, there was apparently a wholesale subtext sale this weekend. I hadn’t planned on stocking up, but the deals were just too good to pass.

Another day. Yesterday survived.

A night of pain. No explanation.

Cause and effect? Effect and cause?

Fish have fins and kittens have paws. (See, it’s slightly less lousy poetry because there’s a rhyme in there.)

Not my best material.

Frustration. (Can you keep going anyway?)

Anger. (Will it paralyze you or motivate you?)

Fear. (What are you afraid of and can you face it down?)

A big, new house. Light snowfall after dark. So much to explore. Christmas lights to put up. New friends to meet. Joy!

Then, reality in the form of “Circuit.”

This is really lousy poetry.

Fast food, obviously.

When does it, and the world, slow down?

Soon?

Please?

I paid attention to it tonight.

With the merger, all of the regular workload, my workload from the CAF on weekends, plus, you know, life, it’s easy to forget about the simple pleasures.

A month ago, on the plane back from Kansas City after watching the eclipse, I started re-reading one of my favorite books, Tom Clancy’s “Red Storm Rising.” I got a big chunk of it read on the plane – but very little since then. A few pages here, a half chapter there.

Earlier this year when I went to visit Consonance, the annual Bay Area filk convention, I ran into an old friend I hadn’t seen in a couple of years. While chatting and catching up, he mentioned that he had retired. (He’s a few years younger than I am, so yes, I’m jealous, but that’s not the point.) When I asked him what retirement had brought, he had a profound observation. Paraphrased, he said, “I can read any time I want to, and if I start a book and it’s really good, I can stay up all night to finish it without worrying about getting up and going to work the next day with no sleep.”

That’s going to be one of the BEST things about retirement when I get there.

So today when I took off “early” from work at about 18:30 and I was alone in the house, instead of watching the ballgame or working on my CAF accounting or doing hours of household chores, I sat down and finished another couple hundred pages of “Red Storm Rising.”

It was wonderful.