Category Archives: Paul

That Feeling When – January 9th

TFW the universe reminds you why you must ALWAYS wear your glasses when reading the cooking (well, okay, maybe not “cooking,” more like “re-heating” or “preparation” at best) instructions on your Marie Callendar’s garlic roasted chicken with penne pasta dinner.

Pop a hole in the film – check.

Microwave for four minutes – check.

Open, stir, replace film – check.

Microwave for four and a half minutes – oops.

What’s the difference between 2½ minutes and 4½ minutes?

It’s realizing that it might be February before that sucker cools off enough to eat.

It’s wondering if you could do the entire Eastern seaboard a huge favor by thawing them overnight using this now glowing in the dark TV dinner.

It’s thinking about actually just heating up another one (correctly this time) because it would be faster than waiting for this one to get back down into triple digits.

It’s wondering if you’ve invented a whole new field of physics when you start speculating about things being hot enough to rip a hole in the spacetime continuum the same way that black holes get massive enough to do that.

Lesson learned.

(Narrator voice: “The lesson was… not… learned.”)

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No Context For You – January 08th

I did not come down with a cold – yet. Or the flu, which has rampaged through our small office – yet.

Thought #1 re: that – Let’s assume my guardian angel is doing a good job of prioritizing and protecting me from the biggest threats so I’m staying healthy while all about me are spending days and weeks in misery. How bad must that flu be so that I need that sort of angelic protection instead of some divine intervention with Lottery numbers or something useful? Hey, I’ll take a week of the flu if I can get about $50M cash after taxes, thanks! Just an FYI…

Thought #2 re: that – How freakin’ EGOMANIACAL do humans have to be to believe that the Lord Supreme God of the Entire Universe would create an entire race of divine beings for no purpose other than to follow us around (invisibly, mind you) and protect us from evil and guide us toward being good people. We, the psychotic and only semi-intelligent meat puppets of planet Earth, working hard to annihilate ourselves and take the rest of the planet and the biosphere down with us, **WE** get our own personal set of divine slaves!

Thought #3 – wow, that got dark and escalated quickly!

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Make Believe

I am a HUGE fan of “Calvin and Hobbes” by Bill Watterson. (If you don’t like “Calvin and Hobbes,” the door is over there, don’t let it hit you in the ass on the way out. I have standards.)

To me one of the most endearing aspects of the comic is the way Calvin creates massive chunks of his universe with his imagination. Whether he’s Spaceman Spiff or a Tyrannosaurus Rex or turning a box into a replicator machine, Calvin can always deal with a sucky reality by applying a healthy dose of make believe.

The lack of make believe in our modern adult lives was brought into sharp focus for me tonight. (I’m not, of course, counting that “make believe” with the Lucha Libre mask, the maid’s dress, the ukulele, the handcuffs, and the bucket of whip cream.)

I spent hours today taking down this year’s Christmas lights. I spent long enough so that I ran out of time with a large batch of lights still up. These lights:

The top lights here are twenty feet or so in the air. There are steps on the one side which makes getting to them a bit trickier. It took several hours to get all of these lights up, using two different ladders, with a fair amount of time at the top of a sixteen-foot ladder.

Did I want to tackle that in the dark? Well – probably. These are newer lights, they’re the better, more expensive ones, it’s going to be a busy, tough week at work, and there’s rain coming tonight so I would prefer not to leave them up for a week.

On the other hand, it’s not high enough (probably) to kill me if something happened and I fell. Just high enough to break a whole bunch of things that I would prefer to remain unbroken, things which would probably take a while to heal since I’m no spring chicken.

More importantly, how does one explain dying like that to Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates? Or, more importantly, to my boss when I can’t come in to work in a full-body cast? “You were doing what? In the dark? YOU go to Hell!”

So I went and got a forehead mounted flashlight that I find very useful. (It also makes me almost unbelievably attractive…) I got my big, long stick with a hook, also very useful.

I got the ladder and stared down my opponent.

Climbing the ladder, balancing in the dark, reaching with the long stick with a hook for a string of lights that was about five feet out, swaying with the breeze, I had my epiphany about make believe and Calvin. (This might not be the Calvinistic epiphany that is generally associated with that term.)

As adults, we’ve forgotten how much fun “make believe” can be!

The spirit of Calvin took over my brain. I wasn’t 90% blind in the dark with a flashlight on my forehead standing fifteen feet up in a tree precariously balanced while wielding a long stick with a hook in order to take down Christmas lights! NO!

I was on an emergency spacewalk in zero G in the dark depths of interstellar space to fix my broken space ship!!

And that quickly – I was.

Oh, sure, there was some part of my brain that kept me functioning and getting the job done in the reality where I could break every bone in my body and impale myself on a long stick with a hook – but the higher level conscious functions were halfway to Alpha Centauri with a broken motivator module just out of reach!

Suddenly something that was an “adult” thing, a pain in the ass job at the end of a long day when I would much rather have been sitting on my butt and getting some down time before the upcoming week, this “adult” thing was now a game! It was fun! It was an adventure!

The change in my mood and the lifting of my spirits was palpable. It was stunning. It was as close to a magic spell as I’ve seen in a while.

The lights all got taken down, I didn’t fall, I didn’t get impaled, the bittersweet job got done. That probably would have happened anyway. But in addition to all of that, something really critical happened.

I. Had. Fun. I was a little kid again. I was Spaceman Spiff.

Thank you whatever part of my brain made that happen. Thank you, Bill Watterson. Thank you, Calvin.

We don’t have to adult 24/7/365, even when we have a job to get done.

Whip cream is optional.

 

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A Thousand Stories

Well, here we are at the end of 2017. In a year where it felt like my head was spinning 24/7, my year-end thoughts aren’t any more organized, but I would like to take the opportunity to throw out a semi-organized rant. With that in mind:

2017 – what a cluster fuck!

It’s not that there weren’t any good things at all. To me it seems that it’s the contrast between the highs and lows that was the killer. The highs were higher but fewer and further between. (The August total solar eclipse, “Hamilton,” seeing Depeche Mode at the Hollywood Bowl, to name a few.)

Meanwhile, the lows were just unrelenting and grim on several fronts. Both my day job and my volunteer job at the CAF had time and workload pressures all year that were like trying to stuff ten pounds of pickles into a five-pound pickle bag.

Over everything was the current US political and social crises. Looking back at the year in that light, the “good” news is that the economy hasn’t collapsed and we haven’t gotten involved in a nuclear war. But on both topics there’s a feeling of impending doom and the fear that the next word in the conversation is “yet!”

When that’s your standard for “good,” i.e., not having thirty or forty million people unemployed or not having three hundred or four hundred million people dead, it’s hard to feel giddy about the accomplishment.

Personally, one comment stood out and has stuck with me as I’ve been spinning and trying to juggle priorities with too little time, too little sleep, too little money, and too much stress. At one point this year, while trying to sort through priorities at work, my boss commented something to the effect of, “You probably have a thousand stories written, but none of them have a final chapter.

That stung – particularly because it hit so close to home. She was offering an honest, constructive criticism and I never thought that she meant it literally. (I don’t even know if she knows that I write or have written.) But in the broader sense she’s absolutely correct – at home, at work, and at the CAF I do have dozens and dozens of various ongoing tasks at any given point and it often takes forever to actually get them finished. Some never get finished, just dropped to the wayside, with the intent to get back to them “soon.”

So while I won’t be making any New Year’s resolutions (for all the reasons that make them artificial and useless and a waste of time) I will be trying to remember to be more focused and to always be more conscious of the “finish line” in any project.

For example, largely due to time pressure, there are a dozens of “loose threads” with articles I’ve written here. Have I shown any more of my series of travel pictures lately? A quick search shows that my New York pictures had parts #14 and #15 posted in April, part #16 posted in May, and part #17 posted in July. Since then…crickets.

What’s up with that?

Did I ever share the full stories and pictures and video from the eclipse in August? That would be a big, fat “no!”

Focus.

I’ve written about running marathons and how I’ve found it to be about 33% physical and 66% mental. If you do the training, you know that you can run that far and you have a decent idea of what sort of time you can accomplish, along with a goal that you would like to push yourself to. Despite that, there will be a dozen times (or a hundred) along the course where your body just wants to quit. Your brain is being assaulted by stimuli and pain and it would be just a short jog along the path of least resistance to simply pull over and get on one of those buses that will take you back to the finish line.

But mentally, you have to have trained yourself to Keep. Going. Anyway.

You know that the finish line is out there and until you reach it, you Will. Not. Stop.

One of the things I found after starting to run was that I could use that same mental ability in other, non-physical aspects of life. Such as handling an overwhelming work load or an impossible deadline.

I’m not doing that now.

In both the physical (running) and the non-physical (getting a project done) worlds, it’s a pain in the ass, a full on horrible bitch of a time when you’re in it. You HATE it. But it is so incredibly satisfying when you hit that finish line, even more so if you’re able to meet or exceed your goals. So while you swear during the process that you will NEVER do this again, that sense of accomplishment will call you back. Especially if it’s something like work or something you’re passionate about. You’re going to be doing it (or have to be doing it) anyway, so why not set a goal, hit it, and get the self-satisfaction of the accomplishment?

I haven’t run in a while. I’ve lost that discipline, and it shows in several ways, most of which I’m not satisfied or happy with. I need to get it back.

Focus. Regain that “runner’s mentality.” Reach those finish lines.

Write those final chapters.

Even if that doesn’t help get rid of the festering cancers we have in Washington and their legions of vile sycophants that are now crawling out from under the rocks where they’ve been hiding, at least I’ll be in better shape to fight them, both mentally, physically, and financially.

Kick 2018’s ass!

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Your Theme Music

While watching one of “those” TV movies tonight, I commented that the soon-to-be love interest (who was busy describing to our heroine how he wasn’t really a stalker or a cad) must be a great guy because he had soft clarinet music as his theme music. I then opined that I probably didn’t have soft clarinet theme music in my invisible soundtrack. I was told that I probably had music from that instrument I played in band in high school.

Good point. I wouldn’t mind having a nice French horn theme following me around.

But what would it sound like?

At first I was thinking the “Overture from ‘Tommy‘” by The Who, one of the first and most exciting French horn solos I remember ever hearing.

After a bit more thought, I think it needs to be Luke Skywalker’s Theme by John Williams. (BTW, I have no idea how this YouTube clip ends up being an hour long, nor did I try to figure it out. The music I’m talking about is the first twenty seconds or so…)

As we’re almost at the end of 2017, what instrument is playing your personal theme music? And what sort of music is it playing?

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No Context For You – December 27th

I swear, if I’m coming down with a cold, someone’s going to pay dearly.

I do NOT have the time or the patience for this shit.

Excuse me while I go down a dozen Cold-Eeze.

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The Voice Of The Ghost

There’s some comfort in finally recognizing one of the voices that’s been whispering in your brain all these years, dimly heard back in the quiet folds of grey matter where you would like comfort and satisfaction to lodge and take root but instead find only an itch that can’t be scratched.

The question then becomes whether you’re being haunted or guided. Again, a distinct matter of perception.

Is there a demon who’s haunting you with reminders of failure and disappointment, eternally dangling in front of you a bright and shiny future that you’ll never be able to touch?

Or is it a guardian angel, patiently reminding you of dreams and aspirations you once had, gently nagging across time and space to urge you to try once again to reach for what’s beyond your grasp?

Two sides of the coin. Every day it gets flipped in the air again, it seems.

Heads or tails today?

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Giving Thanks

Perspective. Balance. Proportion.

Things can always get worse. Look at how bad [insert Group A herd] has it!

Things can be so much better! Look at how great it would be if [Event B] happened!

Things suck right now! Did you see where [Person C] went and [Event D]??!!

The world’s an amazing place right now! Compared to [Number between 100 and 300] years ago we can now [Routine Event E]! Compared to even [Number between 5 and 20] years ago we now don’t even think twice about [Routine Event F]!

All of the above are correct and valid statements.

“Reality” is somewhere in between.

This Thanksgiving Day (in the United States, but the rest of you are invited to play along) I hope we can all recognize how amazing our world is and take comfort and hope in how much better it gets every day in some ways, even if we’re focused elsewhere. Keep working to stop the backsliding and regression that’s taking place in many areas. It’s a complex, multi-dimensional puzzle, with accomplishments like bright stars in the matrix, offset by the occasional dark cancerous stains of the evils we still face.

We can have multiple thoughts in our heads at once. We can take hope from those bright stars while recognizing and fighting those stains, working to repair the damage they’re doing to our society.

Celebrate the victories. Keep the faith. Keep fighting to stop and destroy the cancers in the body societal.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.

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That Moment, November 18th Version

…when you find that your current existence has been captured in a stranger’s tweet:

I’ve heard it said that identifying and naming the problem is half the problem.

Good! We’re halfway there?

Pity I’m so short on ideas about how to work on the second half.

But after that this week, and that other thing last week, and THAT the week before that, and all those other things in October, if I can just make it through Monday and Tuesday to the five-day weekend…

It’s not clear if going from “if I can just make it through this week” to “if I can just make it through two days” is progress or regression.

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Signs & Portents

In my old age I’ve become much more of a night owl and much less of a “morning person.” Thus the reminder notices stuck to the bathroom mirror this week have been a grim and painful reminder that the world wants me starting each and every day properly pissed off.

Every morning when I get into the car, a few seconds after starting it the sound system starts booting up and I’ll be hearing (perhaps) something from Oingo Boingo, Depeche Mode, The Cure, Morrissey, Pet Shop Boys… The radio is almost always left on SiriusXM Channel 33, “First Wave.” Depending on what I was listening to on the way home the previous evening it’s possible that I’ll get an NFL, NHL, MLB, or ESPN talk show – at which point I’ll switch it to First Wave.

This morning however…

Signs. Portents. Signs AND Portents.

I get Julia Ecklar’s “Temper Of Revenge.” A favorite song, a huge favorite. But not something normally found on any of the above mentioned SiriusXM channels. Or on any radio channel or SiriusXM channel.

What dark sorcery is this??!!

Well, obviously the radio has linked to my phone through the Bluetooth connection and is playing something at random from the music stored there. How this happened is unclear – or why. But what’s really attention-getting is the song chosen “at random.”

Find me a horse as red as the sun!

Find me a blade that will make their blood run!

I will ride out at dawn while the sun’s in the sky

So the buzzards can see where the bodies will lie!

Really, it was a very calm and civil finance committee meeting! No need for horses, blades, or buzzards! Honest!

P.S. – For the record, the next song to come up at random was Oingo Boingo’s “Dead Man’s Party.” The third song was “One Day More” from the “Les Misérables” soundtrack, so it’s not entirely clear where that fits in with the theme established by the first two songs. It’s possible that after two songs my personal gremlin got bored.

P.P.S. – It’s also quite possible that I don’t have a personal gremlin, I was very short on sleep, and I was anthropomorphizing the shit out of the universe until the Diet Coke kicked in.

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