Category Archives: Deep Thoughts

Random Observation – March 09th

Going to a full-court press with 6:00 left while you’re down 75-35 despite being a heavy favorite probably means you’ve waited to long to make adjustments.

It occurs to me that this is probably true in many aspects of life, not just college basketball.

Oh, and have I mentioned how much I freaking ***HATE*** switching back and forth for Daylight Saving Time? (I have.) This is why I want to live on or near the equator. Twelve hours of light, twelve hours of darkness, 365 days a year.

Too many moving parts sometimes, a little ration of boring predictability can go a long way.

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No Context For You – March 06th

The devout, well brainwashed, compliant seven year-old Catholic school kid buried deep down inside me (trust me, he was is a real sanctimonious little prick) wants to give up something for Lent. Something grand and noble and… sanctimonious, like Diet Coke, chocolate, fear, or hatred.

The significantly older atheist who now occupies this meat suit (who might still be a real prick on a regular basis, but at least he’s not sanctimonious about it) wants to give up all of the crap that makes getting out of bed in the morning such a pain in the ass. But since that crap pays the bills and is required for that whole “responsible adult” thing, that’s not gonna happen either.

Someone online suggested giving up hope for Lent – they may be onto something. But that seems extreme and I’m too tired for anything extreme. So maybe I’ll just give up caring instead.

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That Feeling Of Impending Doom – Again

There was a day a few days ago when I was… Disturbed. Upset. Anxious. Angry. Exhausted. Frustrated. Furious. PISSED OFF.

That fortunately doesn’t happen often. In this instance I was able to work my way through it and finally calm down in large part because I knew exactly WHY I was disturbed, upset, anxious, angry, exhausted, frustrated, furious, and pissed off. There was no secret, just a need to keep moving and work through it.

Tonight’s much more annoying.

Most of those symptoms again, although not nearly at the intensity level of last week. Yet it’s still plenty strong enough to make me feel like shit.

What my father used to call “a feeling of impending doom.”

It’s annoying because I really don’t have a clue WHY I’m feeling that way. The day had its ups and downs, there’s some stress at work with a big event coming at us like a freight train, working on the year end and audit, and so on – but nothing to justify or trigger this kind of feeling. I didn’t have any clown on his cell phone while driving try to kill me on my commute home.

Which makes me wonder – what if there’s something that happened that triggered these feelings and was so strong that I’ve just completely wiped it from my memory? That would scare the shit out of me.

“A feeling of impending doom.”

The key is that it’s a feeling.

It’s not head-based. There’s not a storm or hurricane coming. There’s not a threat of war. My job isn’t in jeopardy. I don’t have some strange growth or pain or blood in my stool. There’s no obvious evidence or warning – but my subconscious is putting together things that I can’t identify and hitting that hormonal klaxon.

That’s much more annoying.

Here’s what has not helped put those feelings at rest or calmed my nerves:

  1. Dinner (chili)
  2. Double stuffed Oreos
  3. My usual ’80’s music from Sirius/XM
  4. My playlist of favorites
  5. “Hamilton” (this might have been when I started to get really worried)
  6. “Star Trek” reruns (TOS, so it might have actually made things worse)
  7. Tuvan throat singing videos (it was worth a shot)
  8. Writing this post (although it helps – if I can force or trick myself into a place of creativity it can break the spell)

“Spell” might be the key word there. The software running on my meat computer (my ego, created by my brain) knows that this is just a mood (or too much sugar from those Oreos) and will pass. The feeling, the fear, the doom, the twisted up gut – those all come from the meat computer and the hormonal soup that it swims it.

Stupid brain.

Tomorrow the sun will rise. (Wait, is that what I found out… Nah!) Everything’s Gonna Be OK. (EGBOK!)

Unless, of course…

Nah. Let’s try bluegrass music. Sometimes that works.


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Stupid Brain

Hi, there!

This is the stupid brain speaking, the one which is now being allowed to freely associate since I only have four minutes left before midnight and I’m the one that couldn’t get out of my own way all freaking night like a car stuck in first gear and then all of a sudden hit the LUDICROUS SPEED button at about 22:30 and a logjam that’s been bugging the crap out of me for weeks all of a sudden revealed the solution and it turned into a giant game of matching figures and sorting this huge Excel file over and over as I eliminated matching entries like a high-tech version of that kid’s game where you match pictures (wasn’t there a TV game show version of that, probably with Gene Rayburn hosting?) and once I got into it I reminded myself about every five minutes, “Don’t forget, you’ve still got to post something tonight!” but I had no idea what to post and all of a sudden it’s 23:55 and “HOLY SHIT!” so here I am.

I’m glad that the logjam got broken.

It sucks that I have a stupid brain.

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Is Good Enough Good Enough?

That’s often the question of the day.

Most days it seems there’s a list of “gotta do’s” that’s longer than my arm, plus a list of “wanna do’s” that’s even longer. Not enough hours in the day, not enough days in the year, not enough years before it’s dirt nap time.

Is there wisdom or resignation in realizing that the abbreviated laws of thermodynamics apply to life as well? You can’t win, you can’t break even, and you can’t get out of the game. So at what point is “good enough” good enough?

Today I got a lot done, and tonight I spent hours getting more done. There were moments when the “wanna do’s but probably am NEVER going to get to” feelings were almost overwhelming – but I pushed through to the other side. I kept moving and got stuff done. It’s that whole “marathon way of thinking” thing.

And here on the other side I have some great tunes. The Long-Suffering Wife is doing well in her recovery from surgery. A couple of big, roadblock-grade problems got attacked finally and at least partially pushed aside, so there’s visible, significant progress.

Is that good enough?

I guess it’s going to have to be.

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It’s Important To Remember

…I’m doing this because it’s fun.

Wait, what?

I’m doing it because I’m neurotic and due to traumatic experiences in my life I’m almost pathologically unable to let go or quit?


Well, that explains the lack of fun.

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Like many of us, I like to think that in a crisis or time of stress I will remain relatively calm, level headed, and able to keep my wits about me. I can function even when there’s chaos.

However, as was demonstrated again today, while that might be true to a large extent, it’s also critical to not take it for granted. I can’t simply say, “Oh, yeah, this is stressful, but I’m good when the shit’s incoming to the fan, so let’s just carry on.” No, the lesson I believe is to recognize the stressful situation for what it is and realize that, while I might do better than average or have had some training for how to prioritize and stay more or less functional in the face of chaos, in such a situation it is critical to be extra careful and aware that I might be on thin ice.

We had an appointment at 10:45. All of a sudden it was moved up to 10:15. There’s a significant amount of stress associated with the whole thing. No worries. I’m cool. Cucumbers name their children after me.

Until I got to the appointment and realized that I didn’t have my phone. Or my glasses. I was out of touch and blind as a bat inside arm’s length distances.

No worries! I have my backup pair of glasses that I ALWAYS carry in my briefcase. Except that they weren’t there. They had gotten moved to my backpack for the Seattle & Kansas City trip and never put back.

A little more flustered, a little less confident, I went for the backup backup pair of glasses – they’re in the backpack too.

The pair that I keep in the van I’m normally driving? I’m sure they’re there, but we were driving Hissy today.

I can live without the phone, right? I had my iPad, after all. Except that the day’s events needed me to be available by phone all day.

So once we got the preliminary events out of the way and I had a break where I needed to just wait for an hour, I instead boogied home (fortunately we were only twenty minutes from our house) and solved the problem.

That part at least felt satisfying. But I’m well aware that it’s a problem that I caused with my own carelessness and stupidity.

Stress can’t be avoided.

Dealing and coping with stress can be learned.

But it doesn’t make you Superman.

If you’re smart, it teaches you to recognize the sound of the ice cracking under your feet and makes you be very, very careful.

Today I wasn’t smart. I was discombobulated.

But I recognized it before it was ultimately too late, and I corrected the problem.

Next time I need to avoid it to begin with.

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