Category Archives: Farce

Instagram Ad Hell

Mondays! Am I right? Ho, ho, freaking ho, Merry freaking Christmas!

If I’m letting my brain burble for a moment and I’m surfing through videos of sunsets and planes and loons and wild critters and so on on Instagram and you and your mind-numbingly STUPID product interrupt my flow with an ad, I will hate you with the white-hot fire of a million suns.

If on top of that the audio on your ad starts with, “Whoever invented this deserves a raise!” then I hope that they’re excavating a whole new level of Hell for you and I hope you’re there soon.

If the audio on your ad starts with “How did it take until 2025 for someone to figure this out…” then I’m wondering why YOU didn’t figure it out and get insanely filthy rich last year, so YOU get the next level of Hell underneath that one.

If the audio on your ad starts with both, I will break the land speed record hitting the “mute” and “delete” buttons and I will make a voodoo doll of you to make sure that every time you think about sex you get kidney stones instead.

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Filed under Deep Thoughts, Farce, Paul, Video

I’ve Had Another Vision!

In unpacking, I (of course) am keeping all of the old, used bubble wrap since “we might use it sometime in the indistinct future.” As one does.

But there’s soooooo much of it.

Tonight as I was nodding off towards a nap after cleaning up a bunch of this bubble wrap crap and I had “a vision”!!

We have a big, rectangular, walled-in back yard. We have a lot of this bubble wrap. We could fill up the back yard with the bubble wrap!

THEN!

We build a large trebuchet, take it two or three houses down the block into a neighbor’s back yard, and fling folks into the humongous bubble wrap filled back yard at our house!

It’s also a great way to meet the neighbors!

Take a number for your turn, it will require an “E” ticket!

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Filed under Farce, Forever Home, Photography, Silly Shit

22:58 Skunk

It’s almost 11:00 PM, the tunes (Sirius-XM Channel 33’s “Saturday Night Safety Dance” show) are hot and loud, the day has been exhausting (again)… and somewhere very nearby, like, eye-wateringly strong type close, there’s a very pissed off and frightened skunk.

DUDE!

I understand, I agree, I sympathize, but how is this helping?

Let’s work together. What do skunks eat? What’s your finest cuisine?

There’s a 50-pound bag of it and more to come if you can start killing or driving out gophers. You scratch my back…

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Filed under Critters, Farce

Pudding Brain

As Senior Director of Finance & Administration I often have a very full plate. To say the least. At the top of the annual list, especially in terms of stress and “challenges,” is the audit. Our auditors are good and generally nice folks who I get along with, but to be done properly the audit process by its very nature is … “thorough.” Think of it as being a bit like a colonoscopy without benefit of anesthesia, but everyone’s smiling and cooperative.

This year’s audit starts on Monday, so the last two weeks have been prep, prep, and more prep. Pulling documents, finalizing the year-end accounting, and so on. Tons and tons and tons of details, numbers, schedules, reports, and extra brownie points if the figures are actually accurate. (We do pretty well on that score, actually.)

But it does leave one with a bit of a “pudding brain.” Remember that classic of camp cinema, “Flash Gordon!,” the one with Sam J. Jones, Melody Anderson, Max von Sydow, Brian Blessed, Topol, and Timothy Dalton? (An excellent film!) Remember the “scanners” working the consoles in the bowels of the war rooms of Ming the Merciless?

That’s me already… I’ve even got the haircut for it. (I have GOT to find me a pair of those glasses!)


However, I’m not so fried that I didn’t notice the date. Yes, 81 years ago our parents and grandparents and great grandparents stormed the beaches of Normandy. That’s important to remember. But more important personally, it was 25 years ago tonight that I went out on a first date with The Long-Suffering Wife. She says that her fear was that I would excuse myself to the restroom and then slip out the window and shimmy a couple stories down a drain pipe to abandon her there.

Obviously, I didn’t.

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Filed under Entertainment, Family, Farce, Paul, Ronnie, Science Fiction, Silly Shit

Contempt & Bemusement

Wednesday after work is my gym night with my trainer. He’s doing an excellent job of seeing just how far he can push me every week without actually breaking me. After almost a year in a small, private gym, today was our first day at a much larger, much newer gym nearby.

The old gym was small, and rarely had more than four or six other people there at the same time. (Usually in pairs, a client and a trainer.) Almost everyone was thus involved and minding their own business, either counting painful reps or performing them.

The new gym is much larger (not as large as a 24 Fitness or something like that), at least three or four times the size. It also had maybe a dozen pairs of client/trainers working out. No worries.

But about a quarter of the space is a bit partitioned off (-ish!) and was used for karate classes for grade school kids. They were making a ton of noise, as pre-teens kicking pads will do. No worries.

My favorite part was the holding pen for the moms and nannies. An open air waiting room of sorts for those who had brought their tykes and were simply killing time, waiting for them to sweat and scream so they could go home in a half hour.

When I say “moms and nannies,” I’m being exact. There were no dads. There were very obviously nannies and housekeepers, whose duties included getting the small ones to karate practice and back safely, along with all of the other cooking, cleaning, and domesstic work around the McMansion. This was an EXTREMELY Woodland Hills crowd, every car in the parking lot an SUV from either BWM, Mercedes, Lexus, Land Rover, Jaguar, or Tesla. My decades old Volvo convertible was definitely the poor man’s vehicle of the collection.

In the holding pen were three types of women:

The nannies, bored to tears, watching something or the other on their phones.

The business moms, on their Mac laptops, answering emails or writing legal briefs in their $5,000 Armani pantsuits.

The adult Valley Girls, makeup and hair perfect, figures toned and sculpted, every molecule of Botox in place, chatting for social karma points like their lives depended on it.

There were several times when I made eye contact with a member of this third group. I never spoke to any of them, but every time I saw one of them looking out of their pit of despair into the rest of the gym, at the late-sixties, bald, chunky guy lifting weights and sweating like he was gonna die (i.e., me) there was a wave of contempt and quiet bemusement that swept across the room like that pyroclastic flow from Mt. Saint Helens forty-five years ago. Well, maybe not completely quiet. I know that I heard one woman snort in derision as she looked at me and then instinctively flipped her unnaturally blonde hair over her ear and looked away.

Being sore and having trouble moving around after a tough workout may suck, but it beats ennui!!

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Filed under Farce, Health, Paul

No Context For You – April 16th

And finally…breathing room.

That HUGE FREAKIN’ CRISIS has been resolved, all of the data entry and bank reconciliations and reports got done for this morning’s meeting, payroll got done for tomorrow morning (which is why I was suddenly posting something quick on five minute’s notice yesterday), the funeral is over, the family has all gone back home, I’ve got my bathroom back, I had my normal weekly gym session tonight (and I’m sore as hell as usual, which again, is “normal,” THANKS SEAN!), I even got all of my tax backup documents over to our CPA only to find out that because of the fires and the FEMA state of emergency we actually don’t have to file until October, and all of a sudden…

There aren’t any “helmet fires” going on at the moment. (“Helmet fire” is a term used by Mace Curran in describing being a fighter pilot and later a pilot in the Air Force Thunderbirds, where there’ too much life and death, split second decision stuff coming at you all at once.)

No one has noticed one of the funniest things that I’ve ever posted on social media, and while dealing with the helmet fires enough non-critical tasks got shoved on to the back burners to keep me going for a month of Sundays, and some of those could become new helmet fires if not dealt with quickly, but HEY!

This lack of a constant adrenaline flow that resembled Niagra Falls is something I could get used to, I think.

I hope I’m not jinxing anything…

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Filed under Farce, Paul

Conditioned

Last weekend when we went down to Anaheim and saw the Angels’ home opener on Friday and stayed for fireworks night on Saturday, we stayed overnight rather than schlep three-plus hours each way back and forth. Like with many newer hotels, they don’t have little bars of soap and tiny bottles of shampoo any more – they have these large squirt bottles in the shower instead.

But without my glasses on in the shower, I can’t read the small print. So I think that I lathered up my entire body with the conditioner, not the body wash.

It didn’t work. It’s been a week and I’m in the same condition I was in a week ago, possibly worse. I didn’t even turn that avacado green color or anything cool.

I guess we’re stuck with that same old same old me! Sorry.

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Filed under Farce, Photography, Travel

Unintended Consequences

The gophers are back. (It’s not like they ever really, REALLY left!) We’ve had a “gopher guy” showing up about once a month, but it’s had little effect.

 

Almost every day there’s another mound of debris and a new hole.

I suspect they’re ALL interconnected. If we hooked up a smoke machine and started pumping the output down this hole, the whole yard would soon have smoke drifting up from a hundred holes, looking a lot like a battlefield from no-man’s land in WWI.

Two weeks ago they started showing up in the back yard as well, eating the roots and killing the remaining decent landscaping.

I don’t want to start dropping poison down the holes, since the hawks and owls would end up eating the tainted meat and I won’t do anything to harm my raptor friends. But I don’t know what else to do.

I did find some solar powered vibrating spikes that you can drive into the ground in or around their digging sites. They power up during the day, then spend all night tricking the gophers into thinking that something big is stomping around or digging nearby.

Cool! But what do I do when these “thumpers” start attracting sand worms? I don’t have any idea how to ride one, even if I learned it’s going to be a bitch to find a parking space for one, and I would imagine that they’ll do more damage to the lawn than the gophers.

Perhaps this plan needs more thought…

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Filed under Castle Willett, Farce, Photography

Old White Guys, Am I RIGHT?!

With the Volvo back in the driveway and the daily temps hovering around 100 degrees, it’s normal to see a lizard or two hiding under the car (protected from birds) in the shade (the concrete’s plenty warm, but not TOO hot).

As I went out to get the mail today I noticed a couple hiding in the shade (not this guy – these pictures are from 2020.) and as is my wont, I started talking to them.

You know, the usual stuff. Complimenting them on their choice of a spot which was safe, warm, and with multiple escape routes. Warning them about any mockingbirds I had seen. Chatting about the weather and heat. And so on.

I thought it was a private conversation, but then the roofers working on the neighbor’s house spoke up. I didn’t understand so I just waved, but I’m sure it was whatever the Spanish phrase is for, “Look at that batshit crazy old white dude talking to lizards!”

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Filed under Critters, Farce, Photography

See, NOT That Difficult

While on my April trip to Texas, I ran into two über fancy, über chic hotels which had STUPID faucet and shower designs which neglected to indicate which way to turn for hot water and which way for cold. As is my wont, I whined about it.

In the much more droll and mundane hotel we’re staying at this weekend in Victor Valley, these two things caught my eye:

See? It’s not that difficult!

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Filed under Deep Thoughts, Farce, Photography, Travel