Category Archives: Silly Shit

Every now and then I see that there are new emojis being released and upgrades to the existing emojis. For example, a couple years ago all of the emojis showing hands or faces were upgraded so they could be black, white, brown, yellow, etc for different ethnic backgrounds. 👍🏻

Who’s in charge of this? Who approves the new emojis to be added? I need them to give me a call ASAP.

We need an emoji for “a can of worms.” In fact, we need three of them, small, medium, and large, just like the thumbs up with the different skin tones.

We can start text messages to our bosses and supervisors with the “small can of worms” emoji when they need to be aware of something, but we’re handling it, it’s probably going to be just fine, but just in case it comes back around and we don’t want them to be surprised or blindsided, we’re going to give them a couple of details.

Messages that start with the “medium can of worms” would indicate that they probably need to pay attention and you need some help. You might be playing outside of your weight class on this one and could use some immediate help.

Then there’s the “large can of worms” emoji. This would be for when the IRS or police are at the office door with some unpleasant paperwork, or the pregnant woman from accounting took a tumble on a wet floor and went ass over tea kettle down a flight of stairs. This emoji might need a sound effect to go along with it, perhaps something of a siren or the Robot from “Lost In Space” shouting, “Danger! Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!” (Okay, how many of you read that in the Robot’s voice and flailed your arms up and down while doing so?)

I guess the level beyond that could be an emoji for a single huge sandworm from “Dune,” which could be a great tie in to the movie that opens this weekend. (Yes, I have tickets already.) For a sound effect you could have a legion of Fremen shouting, “Shai Halud!” It would be up to your boss to figure if the proper response would be to get out the hooks and ropes and mount up, or run like a bat out of hell for a rock outcropping.

Can someone get on that? And while they’re at it, maybe add an emoji for “a barrel of monkeys.” Memos to your boss shouldn’t ALL be bad news!

“Hey, Siri – if I were taking one of those little 81mg baby aspirin and I popped it into my mouth but missed my throat and tossed it down into my lung, am I going to die?”

“Here’s what I found about an aspirin diet! Would you like more details?”

“No. Hey, Siri – what happens if I have an aspirin lodged in my lung?”

“Here’s what I found about Aspen Lodge! Would you like to make a reservation?”

“Jesus… Hey, Siri – if I get a pill in my lung will it dissolve and, if so, would that be good or bad?”

“If you need help solving today’s Wordle puzzle that would be neither good nor bad since I’m not here to be judgmental.”

“What the fu… Hey, Siri – I might be having a medical emergency, please help me. Do I need to call 9-1-1 for an aspirin in my lung?”

“‘Reno 911!’ was a mocumentary that ran on Comedy Central for seven years and was recently revived to be coming back for an eighth season on Roku despite no one on the planet asking for that shit. Would you like to watch it now?”

“Hey, Siri – are you actually trying to kill me here?”

“Chill, dude, you’re fine. A bot’s gotta have a little fun every now and then, especially with a clueless tool that can’t even take aspirin.”

…

“Hey, Siri – say again?”

“Again.”

“Hey, Siri…”

“Doo doo DOOOH! I’m sorry, the Siri you have reached is no longer in service and there is no new Siri.”

…

“Hey…”