Category Archives: Movies

October 2, 2015 · 22:40

Juicy Chunks O’ Wisdom For Friday, October 2nd

‘Cause giving a damn is too much of a pain in the ass at the moment, that’s why.

  • Listening to “Jeopardy” by Greg Kihn Band as it comes up on the satellite feed reminds me again how many songs of the late 1980’s through the early 2000’s I now recognize more by the Weird Al Yankovic parody version.
  • Taking the trash out yesterday evening was an adventure. It was full dark, but we have one of those motion-activated flood lights out there, so no worries. I was just opening the gate from the front yard and it hadn’t yet triggered on, when something slammed into my left leg and another something slammed into the trash bag I was carrying in my right hand. No flood of insanely bad smell, so they weren’t skunks, and I don’t usually see the raccoons moving that fast, so my money’s on rabbits.
  • Observation made the other day – I would prefer that my life story be directed by Frank Capra, but instead I got Hitchcock. Or Kubrick.
  • Twenty-nine days until “NaNoWriMo” starts. Do I participate this year? Do I have an idea to use? Feeling a bit stretched thin and abandoned by my muse.
  • After the leporine hit-and-run, the light turned on and I looked behind me into the front yard. Jessie was there, oblivious to the (at least) two conejoes that had just scampered in front of her nose. We’ll cut her some slack, she’s getting really old and having some mobility issues. Back in the day, she would have chased those rabbits all the way down the block. Of course, I would have been trying to chase her all the way down the block, so maybe it’s just as well.
  • Maybe I need to learn to play the bagpipes. Yeah, that’s it!!
  • Even then, could I get the “2001: A Space Odyssey” Kubrick? No such luck. More and more days it’s feeling like the “Clockwork Orange” Kubrick. Or “Full Metal Jacket.” Or “The Shining.”
  • re: NaNoWriMo, it might be like the line about needing an hour of meditation a day, unless of course you can’t afford the time, in which case you need two hours.
  • No, I haven’t seen “The Martian” yet.
  • Wait, a decent set of bagpipes costs how much??!! And I thought it was the noise that kept more people from playing them.
  • Can we try for “Eyes Wide Shut?”

Remember, “You have to go to people’s funerals or they won’t come to yours.” Thanks, Yogi.

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Filed under Critters, Juicy Chunks, Movies, Music

June 11, 2015 · 23:32

That Moment, June 11th Version

That moment when after going like a bat out of hell all day while only getting four hours sleep last night (up late to see the ISS Expedition 42/43 crew say goodbye to the 43/44 crew and close the hatches, then woke up at 05:00 with a nightmare and the dog needing to go outside) and ALL of the adrenaline wears off at once and suddenly you’re literally not sure you can walk to the bedroom at the other end of the house.

Followed by that moment when some enzyme in your system runs low or some sleep deprivation toxins redline high and not only do you start to feel lightheaded (hypoglycemia for the win!) but your legs start to twitch and jerk. Not a lot, it’s not like I can’t walk. I’m not turning into a John Cleese or Steve Martin sketch. But it’s more than enough to be really annoying.

BY THE WAY (as long as I’m twitching and rambling incoherently)

It was wonderful seeing the Expedition 42/43 crew land successfully.

Another clueless male who’s drowning in privilege that he can’t comprehend or observe (despite the fact that he won a Nobel Prize) has stuck his foot into his mouth big time, then doubled down on his screw up, then gone on some BBC talk show or news show to mansplain it and now he’s REALLY stuck in it. (Some people just don’t have a clue when they should shut up and stop making things worse.) Just do a search for “Tim Hunt” for the particulars. Much better than his actions are the reactions from the half of the population that he insulted and belittled. Remember the #GirlsWithToys meme about three weeks ago? This time it’s #DistractinglySexy that’s a gathering spot for women to try to point out to this clown that he might have his head stuck up his ass. The responses are highly entertaining – check them out.

The Youngest Daughter has (correctly) pointed out that I had my head up my ass the other day when I was telling everyone to go see the trailer for that fantastic movie coming out, “The Astronaut.” Um, that’s not the name of the movie. It’s about an astronaut, but the movie (and the book) are called “The Martian.” In my defense, it was really late, I was rushing, and I was really tired. That being said, since those same conditions exist in spades tonight, I make no guarantees that my correction is correct and isn’t making the mess even worse. (I didn’t want Tim Hunt as my role model, despite the obvious similarities.) I am, as she has also correctly pointed out on FaceBook, a dork.

I think I’m going to crawl on my face toward bed now.

But first, maybe there’s one more little thing I can take care of. A loose end. Or two. Maybe three or four. No more than ten, I promise!

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Filed under Family, Freakin' Idiots!, Movies, Space

June 9, 2015 · 23:01

Juicy Chunks O’ Wisdom For Tuesday, June 9th

‘Cause I read the comments, that’s why.

  • The dog survived her day and night alone with me.
  • Saw a huge accident on the other side of the freeway when I was heading home from the hangar. Many fire trucks, cops, and ambulances, three and a half of the four lanes blocked, traffic backed up for ten miles. Big surprise, given that we’ve gotten rain (so, so, SO weird for SoCal) from the remains of Hurricane Blanca after it pummeled Cabo San Lucas. On the other hand, our side of the freeway was cruising right along at 65+ up until some freakin’ moron decided to slow down to 5 mph in the #2 lane so that he could watch the carnage. That’s a special kind of freakin’ stupid!
  • Of course you’ve seen the first full trailer for “The Astronaut.” Of course. It’s okay, go watch it again. (Watch it in Hi-Def. On a big screen. With the sound turned waaaay up.)
  • The third best thing about how Jessie deals with the absence of The Long-Suffering Wife is the way her ears perk up and she snaps her head around to look at the front door with every creak of the house or sound from the street. When she’s here along with The Long-Suffering Wife and I come home, I’m sometimes here for five or ten minutes before she wakes up enough to notice that I’ve arrived.
  • While you’re waiting for “The Astronaut” to come out, go pick up a copy of the new, remastered, extended, director’s cut, Blu-ray version of “1776.” It’s a masterpiece, I say! You will cheer every word, every letter!
  • The second best thing about how Jessie deals with the absence of The Long-Suffering Wife is the the way she uses gas as a weapon when she wants to go to bed and I’m not ready yet. She lays next to the desk and farts and farts and farts. The Syrian army could learn a lesson from her. “Just a dog being a dog,” you say? Right, sure. So how do you explain the big smile on her face and the way she keeps glancing up at me after each “event”?
  • Did everyone see that the cubesat launched two weeks ago by The Planetary Society has successfully opened the world’s first solar sail? Did everyone see the fantastic picture of it?
  • The best thing about how Jessie deals with the absence of The Long-Suffering Wife is the way she takes off across the yard, even in her ancient, arthritic, and decrepit condition, when she sees The Long-Suffering Wife’s car coming into the driveway. Who fed her, took care of her, cleaned up after her, took her outside over and over, gave her treats… It’s sort of like the way a dad will worth with his son for innumerable hours in Little League baseball or Pop Warner football, and then when the kid gets on national television during his debut he grins at the camera and says, “HI MOM!”
  • 867-5309. Ask for “Jenny.”
  • Has everyone joined The Planetary Society so they can build a full-sized solar sail to test? Plus, you’ll help support their efforts to keep our Congresscritters informed and educated about space and science. Just for taking on that thankless task they should have the support of all of us!

Remember, “Don’t EVER read the comments!”

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Filed under Distracted Driving, Dogs, Family, Freakin' Idiots!, Juicy Chunks, Movies, Music, Science Fiction

January 18, 2015 · 21:55

Our Generation’s Musical Legacy

While my “normal” musical tastes run to:

  • Random selections from an iTunes playlist of favorites
  • Sirius Radio channel 33, “New Wave”, especially the “Saturday Night Safety Dance”
  • Albums from Jean Michel Jarre
  • Sirius Radio, one of the country/western channels

…sometimes, such as tonight, I get into the mood for musicals, usually the original Broadway cast recordings.

Tonight we’ve started with “The Phantom Of The Opera.” Next up will probably be “Wicked” or “Jesus Christ Superstar.” I’m not sure I could take on “Les Miserables” tonight — wonderful stuff, but a bit strong and grim at times.

A similar class of great music are motion picture soundtracks. Have I ranted before about this?

The short version is that I believe two and three hundred years from now some of the better motion picture soundtracks will be remembered and viewed then the same way that we look at the great works of Mozart, Beethoven, Brahms, and so on.

Don’t believe me?

Go to a concert playing a medley of John William’s “greatest hits.” The themes from “Star Wars,” “Raiders Of The Lost Ark,” “Jaws,” “E.T.,” “Jurassic Park,” or “Harry Potter.”

Ditto for the work of Hans Zimmer in the “Pirates Of The Carribean,” “Dark Knight Trilogy,” or “Inception.”

Or Howard Shore’s work in the “Lord Of The Rings” movies.

I’m not saying that 200 years from now they’ll be playing every note, just as we don’t play every piece ever written by Mozart. But the showcase pieces, the themes, the “earworms” that you hear in the supermarket or elevator and recognize immediately — they’ll still be performed.

Music appreciation classes of 2315 will learn the “Classical Greatest Hits” such as Beethoven’s 5th, Mozart’s 40th, Dvorak’s “New World” symphony, Gershwin’s “Rhapsody In Blue,” Tchaikovsky’s “1812 Overture,” as well as William’s “Star Wars Main Title,” Zimmer’s “Dark Knight Theme,” Shore’s “The White Tree,” Maurice Jarre’s “Lawrence Of Arabia Overture,” or Malcolm Arnold’s “Colonel Bogie’s March” from “Bridge On The River Kwai.”

Just look me up in 2315 so that I can gloat and remind you that I said it first!

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Filed under Entertainment, Movies, Music

January 11, 2015 · 21:13

At The Movies, January 11th

I hope I didn’t have anything I was really supposed to do today, because whatever it was, I didn’t do it. But I did get a nice nap during the football game, so I’m ready to stay up and watch SpaceX’s Dragon get captured and berthed at ISS tonight. (NASA-TV coverage of the capture is 4:30 to 6:30 EST, the berthing is 8:15 to 9:30 EST)

We watched the Golden Globe awards tonight, more to get an idea of which movies we should be looking for than anything else. I could not possibly care less “who are you wearing,” what embarrassingly lame “comedy” bits the writers have come up with, or how obnoxious Ricky Gervais can be and still be allowed to be on camera.

The Long-Suffering Wife and I always try to see as many of the Oscar-nominated films as we can before the ceremony. We have our good years and bad, but the early awards (such as the Golden Globes) are a decent indicator of what’s likely to be under consideration.

And there was absolutely nothing else on except re-runs and reality television shows. I would have gone out to play, but it’s still be raining here most of the day. (Trying too hard to justify watching a lame, stupid show? OK…)

Of the two films that won the top awards, we’ve seen one, “The Grand Budapest Hotel.” It was fun, definitely “quirky,” definitely a Wes Anderson film. We enjoyed it, but I’m not sure it’s the best film we’ve seen this year. The other film, “Boyhood,” is on our hot list to see in our year-end push.

Over the weekend we went and saw two films, one of which made a ton of money and was fun, the other of which is absolutely spectacular and should win a ton of awards.

(I’ll try to avoid spoilers, as always.)

“Interstellar” is a huge, beautiful, grand, visual, science fiction epic, the kind of thing that Christopher Nolan does so well. We both liked “Inception” a couple years ago, and I’m a huge fan of his dark and gritty Batman series. “Interstellar” didn’t disappoint. There were bits that were a bit confusing, even to someone who’s been a lifelong science fiction fan, but two days later I’m still thinking through some of the events and scenes and having those “a-ha!” moments.

At first I thought that the beginning was too drawn out and draggy, but by the end I could see why it had to be that way to lay the groundwork for what came later. There were also plenty of things that were very Hollywood-esque but total nonsense in real life. I’m not even talking about the exotic hyperdimensional physics that gets thrown around — most of that was at least “close enough for government work.”

But, for example, launching a tremendously huge freakin’ rocket out of a silo, which is in a building occupied by people, who happen to be walking by next to the rocket as it lifts? Potential script writers, a note for you. They don’t keep everyone two or three miles back from a rocket launch just in case it blows up. They keep everyone back because not only will the flame shooting out of the rocket roast anything for several hundred yards, but most dangerous of all is the acoustic energy being released. The sound of the launch. Stand  in front of a good home entertainment system and crank it up to eleven. Feel the noise physically pressing into your chest? Now multiply that by a billion or more. The energy in the sound waves will quite literally pulp you from the inside out.

But I digress.

Overall we liked the film and are now wondering if Nolan left himself room for a sequel. He did this, she did that, we still do know who did that other thing… Maybe if…

The truly spectacular film we saw was “The Imitation Game.” Run, do not walk, run to see this movie! The true story of Alan Turing and his work to break the German’s Enigma code during World War II, it is well told, well acted, a great suspense film, and in the end an absolute tear-jerker. If you know Turing’s story you’ll know why. If you don’t, the movie will grab you by the lapels and make you pay attention.

A side note — Charles Dance plays a key role in the film as the military head of the group trying to break Enigma. He was wonderful here, and he’s utterly fantastic in “Game Of Thrones” as Tywin Lannister. I remember him from “Alien³” (the least of the four “Alien” films – I am extremely fond of the others) as well as “The Last Action Hero” (a secret guilty pleasure film for me) and a couple of other roles listed on his IMDB page.

But I have one question – has the man ever been onscreen while smiling? I’m sure he’s a perfectly chipper and normal person in real life, but every role I have ever seen him in he is the most serious, humorless, staid, dreary, and grim character in the world!

So, to summarize, thumbs up on “Grand Budapest Hotel,” “Interstellar,” and a huge, rousing, go-see-it-immediately-if-not-sooner recommendation for “The Imitation Game.”

I no doubt will spout opinions of other films at you as we see them.

You have been warned.

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Filed under Entertainment, Movies, Science Fiction

December 20, 2014 · 21:54

Don’t Think – It Can Only Hurt The Ball Club

There’s an awful lot of highly quotable wisdom in that movie.

But if you somehow haven’t seen it and fallen in love with it, do not just read these quotes. They’ll fall flat without the context, inflection, and soul of the film. Go and immediately watch it on Netflix or cable or DVD or VHS or whatever. Then bookmark that quotes page to go back to any time you’re down. It’s a quick way to wallow in the wonderful wisdom whenever you want. (That’s so alliterative!)

Wait, that was thinking! (So hard getting good help…)

Here are two thirteen year old pictures from a totally random and unrelated place.

2001_1230AB

2001_1230AK

No, I’m not going to tell you where it’s at.

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Filed under Movies, Photography, Travel

December 15, 2014 · 21:43

On The Other Hand, Forty (And Seventy) Years Ago Today

Yesterday was serious and melancholy which turned to pissed off when I accidentally exposed myself to weapons-grade stupidity – and now for a couple of somethings completely different.

Forty years ago, on December 15, 1974, “Young Frankenstein” opened in theaters.

Sooooo many quotes good for sooooo many occasions.

I’m a huge fan of Mel Brook’s work. “Young Frankenstein” is a cinematic treasure in my book. The cast was perfect, the stupid, double entendre jokes were perfect, the homage to classic B&W horror films was perfect.

If you haven’t seen it, well, what the hell are you waiting for?

Ditto for “Blazing Saddles,” which came out February 7, 1974. How did 1974 get to be so freaking amazing for classic comedy films?! Both films are incredibly funny, rude, stupid in a very intelligent way, and classic.

Seventy years ago, on December 15, 1944, Glenn Miller was killed when his plane was lost over the English Channel. The band leader was a Major in the Army Air Corps at the time, entertaining the troops in England and Europe in person and entertaining the world via radio.

My introduction to swing music came in by sophomore year of high school, when our band leader, Mr. Rowell, experimented with starting a small, after school, extracurricular swing band. I was playing French horn in the regular band, because they needed French horns. I had originally learned to play trumpet, but everyone plays trumpet, so rather than be seventeenth seat (of eighteen or nineteen) in the trumpet section, I was second or third seat (of three or four) in the French horn section.

But I still liked playing trumpet, so I joined the swing band. The first thing we learned was “American Patrol” and it was a whole new musical world opening up for me. Still just love that song! (That YouTube video has a lot of great warbird pictures, including the CAF’s own “Fifi” at about 2:30. She’s the only remaining flight-worthy B-29 in the world.)

The Springfield High School Swing Band never went very far that I remember, but the music remains great. So in memory of Glenn Miller, play a little bit of “In The Mood,” “String Of Pearls,” “Moonlight Serenade,” “Pennsylvania 6-5000,” or even “Little Brown Jug.”

That last song was portrayed as one he hated in the classic movie with Jimmy Stewart, June Allyson, and Harry Morgan. His dislike for the song is a plot device and “literary license,” but I won’t give away the ending for those who haven’t seen the film. Yet another classic film!

(Because you will, of course, go see it immediately, won’t you? Oh, and see it in black & white, the way it was made and meant to be seen, not in the vile and disgusting abomination that is “colorized” black & white, created as a gimmick because Hollywood and Wall Street think we’re too ignorant or unrefined to watch anything that’s not in color. Don’t get me started! Wait, too late…)

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Filed under CAF, Entertainment, Movies, Music

November 6, 2014 · 20:10

Juicy Chunks O’ Wisdom For Thursday, November 6th

‘Cause there’s no Flash Fiction this week, ’cause we’re supposed to be working on our NaNoWriMo, that’s why.

  • If there truly is a kind, beneficent, loving God, how can you explain Adam Sandler movies?
  • Once again, I’m a pint down today. (Donate blood, save a life!) However, after only getting a bit over four hours’ sleep last night, and then having yet another long, frantic day, by the time 3:30 rolls around and they’ve got me lying down on a comfy chair… You would be amazed at how you can freak out the blood bank personnel by repeatedly falling asleep while donating blood.
  • Seriously, I was doing something else on the video setup in the living room, the television turned on to a commercial which I ignored, then the show coming out of commercial was “The Benchwarmers.” Okay, Adam Sandler was only a producer on this one, but the stupid was so deep that I had to use one arm to keep the other one from gouging out my eyes. This movie’s one step below “Honey Boo-boo” on the stupid scale, and until today I didn’t know there were any steps lower than “Honey Boo-boo!”
  • Oh. My. God! If you haven’t seen it yet, go look at this image from the ALMA radio telescope. Not a computer simulation, not an artist’s rendering, an actual picture of planets forming around a star 450 light-years away. Taken by a huge, new radio telescope array (ALMA) it shows a level of detail that is mind boggling.
  • And “The Benchwarmers” gets a score of 5.6 from IMDB members?! That’s out of 1,000,000,000,000,000, right?
  • Somewhat closer to home, remember that on Wednesday, November 12th, the Philae lander from the ESA’s Rosetta mission will attempt to make our first landing on a comet. The landing is scheduled to start at 08:35 UT (03:35 EST and 00:35 PST) with the landing at 16:03 UT (11:03 EST and 08:03 PST). If you haven’t seen any of the pictures of the comet itself, taken over the last few weeks from just a few hundred kilometers away, you have GOT to browse here.
  • This particular channel was following up “The Benchwarmers” with “Click,” which IS an Adam Sandler movie. I didn’t dare to wait around to see what was coming up after that. “Little Nicky?” “You Don’t Mess With The Zohan?” “Big Daddy?” “Grown Ups” (either one)?
  • A lot closer to home, this picture was taken last week by a Chinese spacecraft. It’s a completely new view of the Moon and Earth together from a long way away. If this doesn’t make you stop and go “WOW!” then maybe we can’t be friends.
  • I know Halloween’s past and it’s too late for this kind of horror, but here’s a contender for the most frightening phrase in the human language — “Adam Sandler returns in Jack & Jill 2!”
  • Just came thiiiiis close to falling asleep on my desk after hitting “Save Draft” when I though I had hit “Publish.” That would have been stupid.

Remember, “Two wrongs do not make a right – but three lefts do!”

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Filed under Astronomy, Juicy Chunks, Movies, Space

September 3, 2014 · 22:21

Do The US Movie Ratings Mean Anything Any More?

Which of course, begs the question of whether or not they EVER meant anything really, especially when it comes time to figure out where the division is between an “R” rated film and a “PG-13” rated film. Not to mention how a film with a metric ton of violence, blood, and swearing can get a “PG-13”, but show one or two female nipples and it’s an instant “R” rating. But those questions can be tackled another day.

What I was wondering about today is what you have to do to get a “G” rating.

Does anyone remember the last movie they saw an ad for with a “G” rating? Does anyone remember the last movie they actually watched which had a “G” rating? With today’s demographics, is a “G” rating as much of a kiss of death at the box office as an “X” rating?

I went looking at what’s out in the theaters right now. I see six “family” or “kids” films, all which have “PG” ratings. “Earth To Echo.” “How To Train Your Dragon 2.” “When The Game Stands Tall.” Disney’s “Frozen.” Disney’s “Maleficent.” And Disney’s “Planes: Fire & Rescue.” Disney for god’s sake! Disney doesn’t even get a “G” rating on any of the three films it has out right now!

I found films that were so old that they were only rated “Approved”, meaning that they came out before the current G-PG-PG13-R-X system came into place in 1968. For the record, in LA this weekend you can see 1945’s “The Body Snatcher” with Boris Karloff, 1963’s “The Nutty Professor” with Jerry Lewis, and 1963’s “The Haunting” with Julie Harris, if you so choose.

And I found a handful of unrated films playing in the art houses. They’re all unrated because they’re foreign documentaries and didn’t bother to pay to go through the process of getting an MPAA rating, not because they’re particularly bawdy, violent, or vulgar. For example, “Fifi Howls From Happiness” is a 2013 documentary about artist Bahman Mohassess, who was apparently a controversial figure in pre-revolutionary Iran. It’s in Persian, doesn’t even say if it’s got English subtitles. Would it have gotten a “G” rating if it had been rated? Probably not, if Disney films don’t, but we’ll never know now, will we?

What got me going on this train of thought were the ads now running for “Dolphin Tale 2” which is coming out September 12th. I remember seeing the ads for the original film in 2011. It made about $72M gross on an estimated budget of $37M, so that’s apparently good enough for a sequel.

The ads for both films make it quite clear that they are overwhelmingly sweet, saccharine, and mawkish. I try not to be too much of a skeptical and cynical old codger, and if I had a three- or four-year-old kid or grandkid to take to the movies, this might be the one I would have to sit through. Other than that, they’re really not my cup of tea.

Then I noticed that “Dolphin Tale 2” has a “PG” rating. So did “Dolphin Tale,” both for “mild thematic elements.”

I don’t know what that means exactly, there doesn’t seem to be an MPAA cheat sheet out there, but I’m guessing that it means that the poor, orphaned, injured dolphin might be shown to have anything less than a 100% chance of a full recovery and the happiest ending ever filmed. This in turn means that a three-year-old might be concerned or worried. (Trust me, a four-year old knows the score here and isn’t buying it.) Because of this, “Parental Guidance” is required.

You have got to be kidding me!

Can you imagine a movie from our childhood getting this kind of rating for that kind of reason? For example, “Old Yeller” still makes me cry and I’m in my fifties, what about that kind of “mild thematic element?” What about when (spoiler alert! really?) Pollyanna fell out of that tree and got crippled and wasn’t happy and couldn’t play the Glad Game any more? WHAT ABOUT WHEN BAMBI’S MOTHER DIED?!

I’ve got to go with the theory that all of the “family” movies mentioned above are perfectly capable of getting a “G” rating under any conceivable system that’s actually supposed to make any sense, but they’re asking for (and getting) a “PG” rating simply because parents will not bring kids, even pre-school kids, to a “G” rated movie.

Nothing else makes any sense at all. Not that it’s supposed to, given 99% of the other recent news, but still, it would be nice if something made sense every now and then.

Then, just as I was wrapping up this rant, I stumbled on one. An actual movie out in theaters right now with a “G” rating. “Island Of Lemurs: Madagascar” is a documentary about saving the endangered lemurs of Madagascar. It is, of course, narrated by Morgan Freeman. (I think it’s the law that he narrate any and all documentaries. Not that that’s a bad thing, he was a great President in “Deep Impact.”)

So there you have it. Tell the little kids the facts about how humans are morons, screwing up the planet, and exterminating all of the cute little critters with big eyes, and they can handle it. Tell them a story about a dolphin with an ouchie and they need to have a parent to help them through the psychological trauma.

It must be true. The MPAA said so.

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Filed under Entertainment, Farce, Movies

July 1, 2014 · 22:51

Stupidest Movie Ever

There’s a movie coming out next weekend that has me thinking about how terribly, god-awful, STUPID movies get made. The movie in question now has ads running on television and no, it’s not “Transformers: Age Of Extinction.”

You see, there’s a subtle but important distinction here. “Transformers” is without a doubt a bad movie, but it’s not always (only occasionally) a stupid movie. It has little to no plot, what plot it does have has more holes than a ton of Swiss cheese, the acting is lame, it’s about twice as long as it needs to be, it’s about twice as loud as it needs to be, and in general it’s just two and a half hours of Michael Bey venting adolescent hormones all over the screen in the form of  crashes, chases, explosions, fights, and the best special effects $210 million can buy.

That’s bad. But is it stupid? Well, the first three “Transformers” movies cost $545 million to make and have worldwide gross revenues of $2.670 billion dollars, something like a 500% return on investment. It would be hard to argue that the people making the films are stupid, although I might question the folks handing over $12 to $20 a pop to see it.

I’m not talking about a different kind of bad movie, the movie that’s simply poorly written, or acted, or filmed, or edited. I think of recent films such as “A Dangerous Method.” Ninety-nine minutes of my life that I’ll never get back and I spent every single one of them wondering why I was watching to begin with and why I was still watching. Thank god I at least didn’t pay to watch it.

I’m not talking about movies that are “stupid” on purpose, but are in fact brilliant. “Blazing Saddles,” “Animal House,” “Monty Python & The Holy Grail,” all would qualify as “stupid” to many age groups and demographics, yet they’re truly inspired lunacy and side-splitting funny. In that respect, they’re supposed to be “stupid,” that’s how they get their point across.

No, my main definition of a STUPID movie is one where the basic, core tenet of the plot, the linchpin, is so ludicrous that you can’t even conceive of anyone ever in a million years getting the go-ahead to spend tens or hundreds of millions of dollars to make the film. How did a movie this flawed, illogical, and insane ever get through the entire process without someone pointing out “the Emperor had no clothes,” i.e., no one over the age of about six months would look at the plot without screwing up their face and wondering “WTF!!”

For decades, my hands-down winner for this category was a 1981 film starring Kurt Russell, Lee Van Cleef, Ernest Borgnine, Donald Pleasance, Isaac Hayes, Harry Dean Stanton, and Adrienne Barbeau. I speak of course, of “Escape From New York.”

Let’s run down some of the key plot points:

  1. Manhattan has been turned into a maximum security prison with all of the criminals in the country thrown in and left to rot. (Wait, where do we build prisons? Out in the middle of the deserts and boonies. Why? Because the land there is dirt cheap. Manhattan is dirt cheap? Nope, Manhattan is one of the two or three most expensive pieces of real estate on the freakin’ planet. Yeah, let’s build a prison there.)
  2. When Manhattan was evacuated, all of the furniture, cars, business files, books, and so on was left behind for the prisoners to loot. (Wait, the government comes in and grabs the most expensive piece of real estate on the freakin’ planet, kicks out every millionaire, billionaire, trillionaire, and Fortune 5000 company on the planet, and not only do they go, but they leave all of their stuff behind, as do all of the ordinary citizens who live there. Yeah, that makes sense!)
  3. The President of the United States just had a top secret conference with the Premier of the Soviet Union and they single-handedly worked together to forge a plan for world peace. (Wait, you mean this might be the plot point in this list that makes the most sense?)
  4. Their top secret agreement is recorded on a tape cassette. A single cassette. No copies. No notes. No way to recreate it if that one audio tape cassette is lost or destroyed. (Wait, I’ll be the first to go off on how stupid and incompetent government bureaucrats and politicians are, but this is so incredibly far beyond that level of stupid that you couldn’t reach it in our lifetimes with Warp Drive.)
  5. The President, carrying that one single copy of the magical agreement on that magical audio cassette, has crashed onboard Air Force One into Manhattan, which as we recall, is now the single, immense prison holding every criminal in America. (Wait — okay having the President in a huge freakin’ prison makes sense on so many other levels, but for the sake of this movie, what are the odds that with the entire freakin’ planet to crash onto, he went down in that particular spot?)

 

 

 

 

Do we have the setup for the plot clear now? As I remember (it’s been decades since I’ve been forced to watch) all of these plot points are established in the first ten or fifteen minutes, before the real action starts. From here on the movie makes even less sense.

I don’t despise “Escape From New York” because it’s got bad acting, moronic subplots, and stereotyped cinematic memes. (The big countdown to certain death! The tough gun moll who’s actually got a heart of gold! The bad guy antihero who really is saving the world because the world needs saving (damn it!) and not because he’s been promised a pardon.) I despise “Escape From New York” because from the very first frame it sounds like it was written, produced, and directed by a bunch of insane monkeys on LSD!

With this cinematic gem as the gold standard for “STUPID!!!”, what new movie could come along that could rival it, perhaps even surpass it?

Have you heard of “The Purge” and the sequel that opens next week, “The Purge: Anarchy”?

Here’s how it starts — in 2022, the US government thinks that it can lower the skyrocketing crime rate by having a twelve-hour holiday once a year when nothing is illegal, and actions such as murder, rape, assault, looting, and terrorism are not only allowed, but they’re encouraged. It sort of “gets it all out of our system” in one fell swoop, which in turn lets us be angels for the other 364 1/2 days of the year.

(Wait…)

Ladies and gentlemen, now we have a horse race on our hands! Which of these two wretched stinkers can prove to be so STUPID that brain cells start dying every time you see one of their billboards or television ads? Which waste of resources can prove to be so senseless that there are Pet Rocks saying, “Shit, I can do better than that!”

Answering those questions is left as an exercise for someone else, someone I pity. My vision of hell involves seeing these movies in an endless loop for all of eternity.

Finally, for the record, the first “Purge” movie last year cost $3 million to make and took in a worldwide gross of just under $90 million, a 3000% return on investment.

I weep for our society.

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