Category Archives: Los Angeles

Reality’s A Bitch

…some days more than others.

Why is it that on the day when you wake up late, are supposed to be in a few minutes early, have a blinding headache, get blocked through two cycles of the stoplight by the fire trucks being parked and blocking traffic on Fallbrook, then get stuck behind some clown who can’t figure out what a freakin’ green left turn arrow means

(cleansing breath – in through the nose – hold it – …three, four, five – let it out slowly through your mouth – all the way out – squeeze it out – now hold it – …three, four, five)

Why is it that on that morning, reality decides to screw with your brain?

Did anyone else know that Lincoln, one of the premier luxury car models in the United States, the dudes with Matthew McConahey being emo in a tuxedo to pitch their cool and trendy and ever-so-desirable cars, yes that Lincoln — sells a pickup truck?

I spent all day thinking that either I was hallucinating badly (and not one of the good kind of hallucinations) or it had to be some sort of joke, a custom job done by someone with a bizarre sense of humor and more money than God.

Nope.

What’s next? It’s madness, I tell you!

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Filed under Curiosities, Los Angeles

I’ll Trade Pinks!

Let’s trade pinks! My white car for your white car!

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Straight up! No questions asked!

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Yours is already on the trailer – you can just deliver it to my house!

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My car? A Honda Fit. Why do you ask?

Hello? Come back! Wait!

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Filed under Farce, Los Angeles, Photography

What Do They Call…

What do they call someone who jaywalks at night in Los Angeles wearing dark clothes without even bothering to pretend to look to see if there’s traffic coming?

AN ORGAN DONOR!

If you are in the area and were waiting for a kidney, heart, spleen, or other vital organ, I apologize for being fast enough on the brakes to not have spread that particular freakin’ idiot all over the center lane of Ventura Boulevard. (If you were waiting for a brain, don’t worry, this guy didn’t have two brain cells to rub together.) I further apologize for inadvertently and unintentionally blocking traffic behind me so that they couldn’t run him over while they were changing lanes to both sides and shooting past me at about 50 mph.

Maybe next time.

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Filed under Freakin' Idiots!, Los Angeles

Dodging Fate

Let it be stated from the beginning that I feel bad for the driver and people in the Escalade and I’m very glad that it looked like no one was injured.

Driving out to the hangar in Camarillo today, we weren’t in “stop and go” traffic. It was more like a hyperactive variant, something like “skid to a halt and peel out.”

Where your typical “stop and go” traffic has you stopping for several seconds to a minute or so, then speeding up to maybe a crawl or just above for a couple hundred feet (at best) before slowly stopping again, we were in a cycle of suddenly slamming on the brakes for no apparent reason, waiting a few seconds, then accelerating back up to “maximum freeway speed” for a mile or two, only to slam on the brakes again.

After the first time this happened, I had put a couple of extra car lengths between myself and the car in front of me. This helped a lot when it happened the second time, but I was quite alarmed to see the person driving behind me not only tailgating, but texting while driving. When we hit the brakes the second time, I was quite sure that the texting asshole in the little blue sports car was going to spread me all over the road.

Somehow he didn’t, missing me by about the amount of the layer of dirt that I had removed going through the car wash last week. Since I had no desire to be anywhere near this clown, when traffic sped up again, I took my sweet time about it and left a HUGE gap between me and the SUV in front of me. Predictably, the little blue clown car took the first opportunity to cut around me on the right (we were in the fast lane) and then cut back in front of me closely enough to make me brake in order to avoid getting clipped by him.

Of course, just as he went past me back into the fast lane, traffic shut down again and he skidded to a halt behind the SUV, barely stopping. And apparently still texting, doing everything possible except driving his car with any sort of sanity or responsibility.

We all took off again and when the brakes lights all suddenly came on again – his didn’t.

Luckily we had only sped up to about 35 or 40 and he was tailgating closely enough so that when the Escalade started breaking, it didn’t have much time to slow down before he smashed into the back of it. Their relative velocity was low enough so it didn’t even look like any of the air bags had deployed.

As I was stopping behind them (and wondering if I was now stuck with the lane ahead of me blocked) they both swung over onto the center divider, leaving me clear to go. Which I did.

As I said, I feel bad for the driver and people in the Escalade and I’m very glad that it looked like no one was injured. As for the texting clown in the little blue sports car, well, Karma’s a bitch.

As I crawled past through the glass from the busted out headlights and tail lights, it looked like the little blue sports car’s front end was chewed up pretty well. The back end of the Escalade had some damage to the rear bumper, but the Escalade was high enough (and big enough) while the little blue sports car was low enough (and small enough) so I doubt the Escalade even had any damage to the rear lift gate.

On the other hand, if the texting clown had still been behind me…

Hissy’s small and zippy, with an emphasis on small. If I had stopped quickly right behind the Escalade and then gotten rear-ended by the sports car, I would have been squished like a bug in between them. It probably wouldn’t have been enough to cause serious injuries, but it almost certainly would have totaled my little car that’s less than a year old and hasn’t even had its first oil change yet.

This brain dead dude was, as they say, “an accident looking for a place to happen.” I’m just as glad to see it happen in front of me and to someone else where minimal damage was caused to innocent bystanders.

Some days it’s better to be lucky than good.

 

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Filed under Distracted Driving, Freakin' Idiots!, Los Angeles

Not An Exact Science

As a rule, weather forecasting is pretty good these days. Your 48-hour forecast is usually about 90%+ reliable, and even 72-hours out you’ve got a pretty decent chance of being in the ballpark more often than not.

Every rule can be broken.

We’ve been watching the weather forecasts closely, since we’re getting ready to pour concrete again and we’re on a tight deadline. On Tuesday morning there was a meeting in which I specifically looked at multiple weather apps on my phone and saw 0% chance of rain today through tomorrow afternoon, a 10% chance of rain for tomorrow evening, and 0% chance of rain for the next several days after that.

Here’s the current radar:

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Photo credit: National Weather Service

We’re under one of those red spots. It is freakin’ coming down in sheets and buckets.

The first sign of any change was this morning when we woke up. The local morning news guy sounded confused, saying there were light showers moving into the area that had “caught them off guard.” The prediction then was for spotty, off and on showers for a couple of hours.

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Photo credit: National Weather Service

It has rained off and on all day, but about 6:00 tonight, it really started to come down. Driving home from our office Christmas party, there were whole blocks where the street flooding was so bad that, for the first time in my 45+ years of driving, I really wasn’t sure that I was going to make it through. At one point I thought I was going to be a news story tomorrow, under the headline of, “What In Hell Was He Thinking?”

Oh, and the weather forecast for the next several days? Steady rain through tomorrow morning, tapering off for about 12 hours, then on Friday from about noon on into early morning Saturday an even bigger storm moves in. Granted, we need the rain after five years of drought, but a little “head’s up!” would have been appreciated.

We’ll see. Your 48-hour forecast is usually about 90%+ reliable…

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Filed under Los Angeles, Weather

Walking In LA

Many, many, many years ago (probably more than twenty, less than thirty) I saw something here in Los Angeles that has always haunted me just a bit.

I was down in Inglewood, a suburb in the LA Basin near LAX International. It’s also where the “Fabulous Forum” is (the Lakers and Kings used to play there before moving to Staples Center, I’ve seen many concerts there, including Led Zeppelin in the mid-1970’s), where Hollywood Park race track used to be, and where the mega-billion dollar new football stadium is being built for the Rams (and possibly the Chargers).

It’s also not necessarily the best part of town to be wandering around in if you’re lost. I would feel okay there during the day, but I might be a bit nervous if I were lost there at night. There are most certainly worse parts of the LA metropolitan area, and there are some nice neighborhoods in Inglewood, but there are more that are just a tad on the shady side.

I was down there because we had two apartment buildings in the city. It was probably at the beginning of the month and I was picking up the rent checks – I don’t remember exactly. But I remember coming south on the 405 Freeway and getting off at Century Boulevard. That exit actually dumps you on to La Cienega for a half block before you turn left onto Century and cut back under the freeway and into Inglewood.

As I was turning onto Century, I saw a couple walking along the sidewalk. They appeared to be tourists, maybe in their early 20’s, possibly Japanese or Chinese (I just got a glimpse of them). They were each dragging a suitcase behind them and they were not dressed for the weather.

By the time I was a block or two away, it hit me. They were headed away from LAX, walking, with luggage. They were from a completely different culture and country. They were young, possibly watching their pennies. Instead of getting a cab or renting a car or having someone pick them up, they had assumed that they could just walk to their hotel from LAX.

Mind you, I have no evidence other than what I saw for three or four seconds as I drove by. But I’ve never been able to forget them and as time has passed, I’ve become even more convinced that I’m right.

My guess is that they had no idea how freakin’ HUGE the Los Angeles area is and how almost nothing is within easy walking distance. My guess is they came from a city where there was a ton of public transportation (at the time, LA had very, very little) and if you didn’t have a convenient bus or subway going to where you were going, you simply walked.

Where had they made hotel reservations? Downtown LA? Fifteen miles if you know where you’re going and the direct route passes through a whole bunch of neighborhoods that are far more dangerous than Inglewood. Disneyland? Forty miles.

If you think they were going into a bad area for me to be lost in, think about someone on foot, with luggage, sticking out like a sore thumb, and possibly not speaking English real well, if at all.

I kept an eye on the news for the next couple of days. News of a tourist couple getting mugged or beaten up (or worse) would probably have made the news. I never saw a thing. I asked our apartment managers there if they had heard anything – no word.

So maybe I’m completely full of it, totally wrong, taking off on a 20+ year fantasy based on a glance as I turned the corner.

Maybe I’m right but they actually knew what they were doing. Maybe they were clueless but got helped out by the local cops or some good Samaritan who was quicker to figure out the problem than I was.

Hell, maybe they walked the forty miles to Disneyland, had a great two weeks, and walked back to LAX.

Why am I telling this story tonight?

Because for absolutely no reason at all, out of a clear blue sky, a few minutes ago something clicked in my head. I have no clue what might have triggered it, but I saw those two again in my memory, and simultaneously I saw myself walking around Kyoto.

I had been trying to get to Fushimi Inari on my first morning in the city. My hotel was across from the train station and I “knew” I could get there by train. What I didn’t know was that there were multiple independent train systems in the city. I, of course, got on the wrong subway.

Not reading Japanese, I was trying to judge where I should get off, hoping for some sort of symbol or English sign for tourists. I didn’t get one. When I got to a station that was probably at least one stop down the line from where I had guessed that I should be getting off, I got off and went up to street level.

With absolutely, 100% no freaking idea where I was.

But I had my iPhone, the map app, and I enjoy walking, so I had a grand old time for about an hour wandering aimlessly until I found a landmark I could identify and get oriented. Then I walked another two or three miles to Fushimi Inari, taking copious numbers of pictures along the way of course.

Tonight, for reasons known only to the quantum chromodynamic structure of the universe and my misfiring synapses, in my head I simultaneously saw that couple heading into Inglewood and saw myself wandering around Kyoto.

Did Kyoto have any neighborhoods that a wiser and more knowledgeable 50+ American guy might have avoided and was I ever in them? How would I have known? And if I was, was there some Japanese driver turning a corner, seeing a short, pudgy, middle aged white guy walking along blissfully ignorant with a backpack  full of cameras and more of a sense of adventure than common sense. Does that image haunt some unknown Japanese guy just like the image of the couple pulling suitcases down the sidewalk away from LAX and into Inglewood haunts me?

Don’t worry, random, unknown Japanese guy. I was just fine, had a great time, loved Fushimi Inari and everything about your city. I might not have know exactly where I was going, but I was making good time.

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Filed under Los Angeles, Paul, Travel

No Jury Duty Tomorrow

It’s my week to be on standby, but I’ve been given the word that I’m not required to check in tomorrow. Yeah!!

I don’t envy the folks who have to try to get people to show up for jury duty. It’s a civic duty, a responsibility of being a good citizen, necessary for our judicial system to work, blah, blah, blah. I get it. I agree. But the brutal reality is that for the potential juror it really is a disruptive and often frustrating experience. It can cost you lost wages, extra expenses for childcare or transportation, and the compensation you get in return is a token at best.

Many jurisdictions try many different schemes to get people to show up for jury duty and make it as fair as possible while also making it as (relatively) painless as possible. The Los Angeles County system these days isn’t bad as they go.

You’re “on call” for a week, but you’ll only have to potentially go in for one day of that week. You call in or go online every evening to see if you’ve been picked to show up the next day. If you make it through the week without being called in, you’re done for the next year.

If you do get called in, it’s for one day only – if you’re not picked for a trial or put on a jury. I’ve been a couple of times where that’s happened and it might just be one of the most boring experiences on the face of the planet. I’ll bring a book, and these days with the music, books, podcasts, movies, and television shows on my phone, it could be worse. But it’s not terribly comfortable, you’re locked in at their whim as to when you and where you can go, you pay an arm and a leg for parking, and you have to put up with all of the security theatre to get in and out.

Think of a long day of high school detention being held in the worst airport terminal you’ve ever been in, stuck with a couple hundred people who are just as bored, uncomfortable, and pissed off as you are, and you’re probably all losing a day of pay or worse.

Maybe you get picked for an actual jury pool. (I’ve had this happen once.) Then you get to go off to another incredibly boring room and sit until all of the players (judge, lawyers, plaintiff, defendant) are ready. You start to get lectured on what the rules are, what’s going to happen, what the case is about, and so on. In my case, by the time all of that was done, it was time to break for lunch. Then, after lunch when we’re all told to be back promptly at 12:30, a couple of our fellow potential jurors blew off the deadline and mozied in more like 13:00-ish.

The rest of us cooled our heels in a hallway for that half-hour with nowhere to sit. They can’t start, they can’t move on, they can’t talk to us, no one can do anything until EVERYONE is present. I don’t know if they fined, jailed, or waterboarded those who were late and kept us all waiting, but I can hope.

Now we got down to business! We still didn’t know what the case was about, just whether it’s civil or criminal. We all get to fill out a long questionnaire so they can see which of us have something in our life that would disqualify us for one lawyer or the other. It’s a civil case for a landlord-tenant dispute and you own an apartment? Gone! Someone’s suing over a POS lemon they got from a car dealer and you work selling cars? History! A criminal case for drunk driving and you’ve had someone in your family killed or injured by a drunk driver? No thanks!

And so on.

Once they have all of the questionnaires they start tossing folks “for cause.” Then they start bringing us up one by one and start asking questions. Some get dismissed, the lawyers each have a few “picks” (I’m sure there’s a legal term for it) where they can toss you without giving any justification or reason, and some get sent over to the other side of the room to wait.

I assume that once they get 12 or 14 or 18 or whatever they need over on the other side of the room, they’re done, the rest of us get dismissed to go back to the jury pool room and be bored again and wait some more, and they get on with their trial. I’ve heard tales of that part taking a day, a couple of days, a week, but it’s pretty rare to end up lasting months and months like the OJ Simpson trial did. But it could.

In my case, after they had four or five jurors picked, they took a break and the lawyers went and huddled up with the judge. They came back and announced they had reached a settlement, and we were ALL sent back to the boring jury pool room. (I figured that one of the lawyers or the other was giving the jury pool the hairy eyeball, didn’t like their odds, and hit the eject button.) We waited there another hour, there were no more trials pending for the day, and we were all released, clutching the magic paper that said we had done our jury duty and didn’t have to do it for another year!

For now, all that fun’s on hold and I’ll be at the office tomorrow morning. Tomorrow night I’ll call again and see if Tuesday’s my special day. I will admit, when you’re calling, going through the check-in over the phone, and finally punching that last button and waiting to see the result, it’s a bit dramatic. It’s not Russian roulette, but I definitely noted some anxiety. The need a drumroll or something to go along with it.

Four more days to go.

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Filed under Los Angeles, Paul

Was There A Sale On Running Red Lights This Morning?

In Los Angeles, the “rolling right on red” is commonplace. If you’re coming up on a red light with the intent of turning right (which is legal once you stop, traffic is clear, and it’s safe to proceed) a lot of folks just slow down (-ish) and roll through after a quick glance to see that they’re not actually going to T-bone you. The expectation is that you will watch out for them, stopping before you rear-end them after they pull out in front of you.

Good little neurotic Catholic-educated boy that I am, I don’t do this and don’t have a lot of respect for those who do. But I’ll watch out for them. I’m nowhere near sanctimonious enough to actually get into a car accident deliberately, no matter how much the freakin’ asshole other driver may deserve it.

Today was a whole different kettle of fish.

On the way out to the hangar, between my house and the freeway, about five miles, I had not one but two freakin’ idiots run through red lights without even bothering to slow down or look. I can understand the one guy (not forgive, just understand in a snarky way) since he was busy texting while he was driving so it’s no big surprise that he sailed right through the light. He probably never even saw it, let alone noticed if it was red or green.

The other lady didn’t have that “excuse” but had enough attitude to make up for it. A half block after I had to stand on the brakes and swerve into the other lane to avoid her, we were stopped at another red light. (I assume she stopped at this one only because other people in front of her had stopped.)  She noticed me glaring at her, rolled down her window, and just yawned and rolled the window back up when I recommended that she drive by the same rules as the rest of us.

Okay, I might have opened the conversation with a suggestion that she should begin by removing her head from her ass. It seemed like a reasonable request at the time.

There’s an old Don Henley song (“If Dirt Were Dollars”) that talks about vacuous, brain-dead people like her. “She just looked at me / Uncomprehendingly / Like cows at a passing train.” Aside from the truly clever use of “uncomprehendingly,” the lyrics are perfect for describing people like this.

Never a cop around when you need one.

Tomorrow, we’re expecting to get our first good rain storm in many, many months. If you think people in Los Angeles were driving like blindfolded morons today, just wait. You haven’t seen anything yet!

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Filed under Freakin' Idiots!, Los Angeles

A Little Bit Of Weather

A little bit of weather goes a long way in Southern California!

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A 0.10″ of rain and presto chango! The freeways are gridlocked. But at least the sky looks lovely while you’re going nowhere fast.

I swear, it would cause less congestion to get 6″ of snow. At least then (most? some?) people would pay attention and drive just a hair more cautiously.

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Filed under Los Angeles, Photography, Weather

Third Gear Is Not Your Friend

My little Hissy is not quite a “gutless wonder,” but you can see it from there. To say the least, going from my Fit to The Long-Suffering Wife’s Volvo convertible sports car one will notice a world of difference.

But for a teeny tiny four-cylinder engine, she’s got a fair amount of get up and go. It helps that the red line is waaaaaaaay up there at 7,000 RPM, and while most people freak out and want to shift at about 3,000 K RPM, under the right circumstances I’m not afraid to wind her up to about 5,500 RPM.

Stop and go traffic between street lights does not qualify as “under the right circumstances.” On the other hand, there’s no reason to sit there and pick lint out of your belly button once the light turns green, so I generally step out quite smartly when given the signal to do so.

Yesterday night was quite pleasant as I headed home from work, so I had the windows all down and the moonroof open and the tunes playing. Nothing too loud or obnoxious, but I wasn’t trying to be stealthy.

As I pulled up to a light on Ventura Boulevard, in the lane to my left I saw a newer Mustang convertible. Nice looking car, top down, also with some tunes playing. “Money For Nothing” by Dire Straits. The unedited version. A quick glance showed the driver to be a younger guy, shaved head, three-day beard, probably a guy that spent his fair share of time in the gym.

The light turns green and I pull away – he pulls away a lot faster. He’s driving a stick (if I had one thing I would change about Hissy, I wish I had gotten a 5-speed manual instead of the automatic, but that’s another story) and doing some quick downshifting as he speeds up. But he’s not tearing away at 70 in a 35 MPH zone – he’s just accelerating quickly and then cruising.

Which he sort of has to because we’re hitting every single stinkin’ light on Ventura, all the way from DeSoto (where my office is) down to Fallbrook. Every. Single. Light.

So that’s about a dozen times we get to play this game. Green light, he roars off, loudly up into second, roaring up into third, followed by me in my Fit just humming along and catching up about a hundred yards down the road.

As we’re doing this repeatedly, I realize that each time I’m pulling away from the next green light just a fraction of a second faster than the last time. Not deliberately and it’s not a huge difference, but I’m definitely losing less ground to him on every green light.

We both turn north on Fallbrook and again hit every single light. When we get to Victory, for the first time he’s gunning the engine as we’re waiting. The light turns, there’s no one anywhere near us, the road is straight, flat, and empty. He’s off! I’m trundling along behind.

Lots of RPMs, lots of torque! Second gear! He’s pushing red line again. Third gear!

Well, at least the plan was for third gear.

From a couple hundred yards back I see him start to slow and with the car all opened up I can hear the grinding of gears. I don’t know what it was he thought he was putting it into, but it wasn’t third gear.

The Mustang starts to jerk and there’s more grinding. I would have thought that a newer car like that would have a better synchronized transmission, but now that it’s started to act up, this guy apparently is not old enough to have learned how to double clutch in and out of neutral to get synched back up. As I saunter by he’s finally found a gear, accompanied by yet more grinding and jerking.

Unfortunately for him it’s probably first gear, since he’s now engine breaking like mad. Good thing he had his seat belt on. It’s also a good thing that the light ahead has turned red.

He gets his car over into the left turn lane to go into the shopping center. I’m over two lanes now and trying really hard not to start laughing. He seemed like a nice enough guy, he’s got a cool car, he’s got a nice tune on… But none of that means that he wouldn’t come over and kick my ass just on general principles if I’m laughing at his misfortune. Driving a stick in a cool, drop-top Mustang is obviously a macho stud-muffinly thing for him, he’s just blown it big time, and I’m not going there.

But Hissy is laughing. She doesn’t care.

Keep practicing, Money-For-Nothing Dude! You’ll figure it out. But might I suggest a more remote location for practice next time?

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Filed under Los Angeles, Paul